let’s hunt down and kill george lucas

“We’ve made this one for the fans,” they said.

Not for this fan.

“We’ve done as many of the special effects without CGI,” they said.

Then what the fuck are all the CGI gophers, explosions, fridges, monkeys and aliens doing in there?

Oh yes, Indy’s back and so are George Lucas’s shit-covered fingerprints.

I had wanted to love the return of the fedora-wearing archaeologist, I mean who doesn’t like a bit of Time Team now and then, and had thought that given 19 years they could have come up with a crackin’ storyline and screenplay, but, eeeaaah no.

The greatness of the original trilogy has been upset by this bastard teenaged son of a film:

What was the Grease/American Graffiti scene about?
Where was the 10 minute mini-story at the start?
Where were the thrill-ride scenes?
Where were the bad guys you could actually hate? Cate Blanchett turns in a role which is second only to Hayden Christensen for its blandness.

Why, in god’s name, did Indy get to walk into a tomb with Mutt Williams and get out again with no peril whatsoever? I will admit that there were a couple of badly cgi-ed scorpions, but no traps, no more creepy crawlies, no threats. Nothing. Indy even put his hand into a hole in the wall to open the tomb. Did he get trapped and the floor drop away? No. Did insects appear from nowhere to menace them? No. Did thousand-year old curses rain down upon them? No. Creepy skeletons? No. The undead? No. Mummies? No. Anything a bit creepy like the melting Nazi faces in Raiders of the Lost Ark? No.

It was bland. It disappointed from one scene to the next and the fuckin’ alien spaceship payoff, whilst pretty, truly has no place in an Indiana Jones film.

So here we are, I am starting a bounty fund for George Lucas’s retirement. If a million of us give him a couple of quid each, maybe he’ll just bugger off and sit on his diamond-encrusted Star Wars logoed throne on Skywalker Ranch rather than spewing out worthless shite like this.

Now excuse me while I write a better Indy film by cutting up old copies of Hello magazine and gluing random sentences together.

PS. Contains spoilers.

my hot new fedora desktop

Released yesterday, Fedora 9, codename Sulphur was immediately downloaded and tested on my pretty boggo standard desktop. Prepare for astounding proof that the Penguin is finally ready for everyone’s computing needs. Bill Gates will be shitting himself tonight when he realises what a piece of programming excellence and quality F9 actually is.

You will notice:

• the stunning KDE4 desktop.
• the widgets.
• the instant recognition of all my hardware.
• the inability to run as a “live” environment from a CD (you don’t seriously think I’ve given up hard-drive space for this, do you?)

the bbc sum it up nicely on this summery evening

Off to the pub to make detailed scientific studies.

dr wtf

Oi. RTD. What in the name of all things holy was that “sad montage” bit in the middle of last weekend’s Dr Who episode “The Poison Sky”*?

The Bloody Tate Woman has only been in 4 episodes, so what was the point in showing scenes from the last four weeks? Hardly a big-up emotional moment was it?

Get a grip you slack-jawed Welsh git.

(Still it was nice to see Martha Jones back, oh yes…)

* It might have been in “The Sontaran Stratagem”. To be fair, I can’t remember.

today i am joyous

If I hadn’t been driving at the time, I would have taken a picture.

This morning I saw a bus with a poster on its side for the new Indiana Jones film. Hurrah! And so long as George hasn’t gone completely “prequel” on its arse, and Spielberg can reign in his need to play up to the children-in-the-audience, May 22nd can’t come soon enough.

the long and winding road

After all this time, is Linux (namely Ubuntu 8.04, Hardy Heron) really ready for the desktop? Er… no:

It remains total bollocks. Shuttleworth, you’re a useless twat. My PC has nothing obscure in it and yet your OS can’t be fagged to install and then update without falling over.

Vista’s a pile of shit, I’ll grant you, but it’s not fucked itself over by not letting me get to the GUI within 5 hours of being installed. Not that I’m an expert here, but the trick would be to check to see if any settings are beyond expected capabilities of the installed hardware and, if they are, then, say, not apply them.

It would save my blood pressure.

sci-fi stand-off: dr zoidberg vs the ood

ah! Ah! AH! Mr Russell T. Davis and your so-called “new” Doctor Who thing, you’ve been sussed.

Menacing red-eyed servant race, the Ood, or Decapodian fish-loving physician, Zoidberg? You decide:

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bellowhead, cambridge junction 1, april 21

April 22, 2008

BigBlueSturge and I took ourselves off to watch a band last night. Bellowhead are their name, and very super they are too.

Having arrived at the conclusion over the weekend that the car had rather run out of MOT, BigBlue had to drive to Cambridge in his eccentric and archaeological Passat (£350-to-you-squire). We managed to get parked up just before the thing overheated, despite the best attempts of (a) my TomTom and (b) the idiot driver in the Japanese car in front of us (for sale, £6000 ono).

If you’ve never been to a Bellowhead gig, then you’re missing out. Usually fronted by stage legends John Spiers and Jon Boden, Spiers was absent on paternity leave. His place was taken by melodeon-legend Saul Rose, who, by the end of the encore, had not only demonstrated that Spiers had best not stay away for too long, but also that it was like an oven on stage.

They truly deserve their gongs for Best Live Act from the Radio 2 Folk Awards. Ably supported by Benji Kirkpatrick (who, er, plays the guitar-esque instruments in Bellowhead anyhoo (cheapskates)), the evening flew by with many old favourites enjoyed and some new material considered.

Below are some pictures from the evening. Bearing in mind they were taken with the camera on my phone and it’s got Sony’s patented “Shit Zoom” facility, I figured I’d go all arty and try and capture the colour and energy of the performance and performers, rather than anything that resembles a “good photograph” (they look ok as thumbnails, just beware the big-up pics when you click).

harry potter and the stupid rich bitch

JK Rowling, the impoverished author of pedestrian and predictable children’s books where the first one is the same as all the rest, has decided to take a guy to court because he’s written a guide to the Harry Potter universe.

Citing plagiarism as her cause, I can only guess that the encyclopaedia follows this structure, which I imagine is (c) Joanne Rowling:

1. Harry is living with the Dursleys
2. Harry is not happy because all his chums are away having fun and they’ve not written to him
3. Something terrible happens to one of the Dursleys and Harry is banished from the house/locked under the stairs
4. Suddenly, Harry’s friends turn up and take him away
5. On the train trip to school, something scary happens
6. A new teacher arrives at the school
7. Snape is nasty
8. Hallowe’en celebrations
9. Something spooky happens
10. Harry has to spend Christmas at school, alone. His friends don’t write to him
11. More spooky things happen
12. Term begins. The children are warned about the terrible things that might happen
13. Terrible things happen to a couple of minor characters
14. A major character dies
15. Harry does some magic he doesn’t realise he’s capable of, Harry gets in trouble for doing it, but it’s ok in the end
16. Term ends, everyone goes home to their families. Harry goes back to the Dursleys. His friends don’t write to him.

It’s a guide, Joanne. Just like there are guides to Discworld, Middle Earth, Red Dwarf, Neighbours and the Spice Girls. However, most authors would welcome an expanded and explained look into their creations from an independent mind. But not JK. The only thing she appears to want expanding is her bank account.

My lawyers are standing by (er, Unc, that’s you).

(Obviously there is bias and bile in this entry, but I can’t stand the woman)

(Update: Following discussions at the pub, BigBlueSturge is on the side of the money-grabbing witch).

new Wii games on their way

Genghis says:
you wanna be grumpy at the pub, or grumpy in front of the Wii?
Genghis says:
what multiplayer games you got Alf?
Alf says:
Super Mario Chopstick Challenge
Genghis says:
kewl
Alf says:
Legend of Zelda: Wave A Flag A Lot Game
Sonic Pokey Pokey
Genghis says:
oooooh
Alf says:
Tomb Raider: Fall Off Stuff 7
Resident Elvis
Quantity Surveying: ATTAX
Rock Polishing 2
Night Tremors: The Phlegm Rises
Hoppin’ Mad George
Bad Day In Mental Ward 4
Chop Chop Brothers
Beat Me You Deserve It Bitch
Pro Cat/String Simulator
Drum Like A Deaf Man
Hyper Bole
Super Hyper Bole
Super Super Hyper Bole
Very Super Super Express Brilliant Hyper Bole
Match Lighting Competition 3
Ultra Point At Stuff
Buz says:
(he’ll stop soon)
Buz says:
(just be patient)
Genghis says:
don’t bet on it
Alf says:
Super F-Pencil Sharpener
Hop Hop Nigel And Bouncy Susan
Ice Cream Machine (UK Edition)
Monster Chi-Chi Doll Maker
The Insaniac
Teeth Brushing: The 3 Minute Redux
QwikFLUSH! Extra Time 2
Hammer and Nailz (DIY Express Edition)
Laser Guided Guides
Enteric Explorer
Mined Out: 2010
Neil Gaiman’s Time For Tea
Paint Drying Day: Mama’s Here
Animal Squashing
Horace Goes Cottaging
NikNok: Gotta Annoy Them All
Star Wars: Hit It Chewie!
Super All Your Eggs in One Basket
Shoot The Birds Shoot Them All
Rat Poisoner: Nighttime Edition
What’s My Time Zone?
Where On Earth Is America? 3
Captain Sensible Gets A Deskjob
Mr Bland Eats Some Porridge
Economy Mismanagement: Gordon Brown Edition
Ultra Compound Interest Bros
Steal My Money My Pin Number Is…
Zombie Cat Cat Attack
Znailz
Super Cruxifiction Simulator
My Name’s Not $Username$ : 4
Alf says:
er, that’s it. Off the top of my head. Any there take your fancy?
Genghis says:
nah, not really