why i don’t have any a-levels

February 11, 2016

Economics essay, 1991.

Adam Smith, noted tight-arse Scottish economist, successfully demonstrated his theory of supply and demand by only serving haggis to his house guests. Fried haggis for breakfast, haggis sandwiches (thin sliced haggis between two thick slices of haggis) for lunch, and a haggis roast at dinner. Every meal was accompanied by a warm, weak haggis drink, and dessert was usually haggis with chantilly haggis.

Soon enough demand for a place at Smith’s table decreased, and his supply of haggis went through the roof.

See me after class.


the camera rarely lies

July 21, 2015

If your selfies are coming out blurry and I say “You need to clean the lens”, please clean the front-facing camera, not the one that was pointing away from you each time you took a picture that was smeary and blurred.

get well, noakes

June 30, 2015

Bloody love the Noakes.

It was a Saturday morning and there was me, on the bed with Grandma and Grandad. Grandma was trying to extract a drinkable cup of tea from the Goblin Teasmaid. It had been on the brew since 5:30am, and it was now 9am.
After examining the dubious cup of intensely brown fluid, and skilfully hiding it under the bed without my Grandma seeing, my Grandad said to me, he said,
“Boy,” he said, “Boy, what do you want to be when you grow up?”
And I thought for not even a second, and I said, “Grandfather,” I said (as I was probably about 5 and had a modicum of respect back then), “Grandfather, I wish to be John Noakes when I grow up”.
“Boy,” said Grandad, “you can’t be John Noakes, as John Noakes is John Noakes.”
“OK, old man,” I said (as my respect was beginning to wash away and this simple chat was getting in the way of my Luke Skywalker figure beating up my Princess Leia figure). “Then I shall be an astronaut.”
My Grandfather was a wise man, and said, “Boy, you will need to be good at maths to be an astronaut, probably best you stick with your plans to be John Noakes.”
The next time I saw my Grandad, he passed me an envelope. “Ah, boy,” he said. “This came for you.”
It was always exciting when post came to the Grandparents’ house, as it was bound to be another brilliant Star Wars figure, or a set of PG Tips tea cards, or a Golliwog from Robinsons jams. This, however, was most disappointing. It was a flat, A4 envelope of the type important, boring letters came in.
“Well?” prompted the Grandma, “Are you going to open it?”
Peeling back the inadequate envelope glue, and picking at the extra selotape that had been used to make the flap stick at least part of the way, I opened the envelope.
Inside was a black and white photograph of a man and a dog that I recognised from the television.

And it was signed, “John Noakes”.

I no longer have my figures of Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia, but you can bet I’ve still got that precious photograph.

new! game of thrones text adventure

March 15, 2015


Do you wish to play a MAJOR or MINOR character?
> major

You are a Major player in the Game of Thrones! Your actions will be far reaching, and your decisions will affect the lives of millions.
You are dead.
Play again?
> yes


Do you wish to play a MAJOR or MINOR character?
> minor

You are dead.
Play again?

we’re raising money for children in need

November 11, 2014

Please excuse some of the grammar and mis-spellings. I was in a hurry. However, I present today’s advert for our team’s cake sale in aid of UK charity Children In Need:


alan bennett’s war of the worlds

October 30, 2014

Who would have thought that at the start of the twenty-first century, jealous eyes were studying us from afar, like that time we watched Fatty Thompkins from the fifth grade standing, drooling at a pie shop window for an entire afternoon?
Slowly they gathered and drew their plans against us. But us Yorkshire folk are clever and cunning, so we turned all the signposts around to point in the wrong direction. That fooled the Martian invaders.
They thought they were invading Hartlepool, but most of them ended up confused and disoriented in Scunthorpe. The place was decimated.
No one noticed.
The chances of anything coming from Mars are a little more than evens, I reckon. Knowing what we now know.
I should have put a pound on it. I’d be everso slightly up on the day.

occasionally I write, often I don’t write

October 23, 2014

Today? Both.