So here are a few tips to help you enjoy a weekend away:
1. Remember what the hell you did with your mobile phone. Cos God knows where it is, but it’s not with me as I type this (on an Airbus 319 somewhere above the Channel Islands). I guess it’s either somewhere in my car or in my desk drawer at work. Or.. well.. I don’t know!
2. Ensure you have plenty of leg room. Ah. Hmm. Oh well, eh?
3. Still, I have some nice chatty ladies to my right, whom I expect would be able to knock up a rather excellent fruit cake or sponge. They’re enjoying the on-board tea with their own sarnies and fruit. Maybe the cake will appear shortly.
4. MAME is crashing at 37% of ROMs found. And I want to play Gauntlet and Outrun. Bah. And if I reboot then The Shat will stop singing, er, speaking, at me. And at this point I must *must* re-recommend the Ben Folds-produced album “Has been”. It is truly a great, great thing. Even if you don’t like Bill Shatner, it’s got some really great tracks on it. Especially “You’re Gonna Die”.
5. Bring some food. I think I shoved some stuff in my manbag, but every time I grope around under the seat in front the steward/esses look at me funny for taking up the gangway. I may end up chewing my own arm off, but I rather fear that typing with a bloody stump won’t help anyone.
6. Don’t fly on Friday the 13th. This gives your work colleagues the chance to go on and on and on about the date and how brave you are for travelling on such a day.
7. Tell your colleagues to fuck off if they do such a thing.
8. Do not – and I mean this most sincerely folks – DON’T go out for a curry the night before getting on a plane. The people around you will not thank you. You will not thank yourself. Just learn from my mistake. Stick with toad in the hole.
9. Try to forget the asshole users at your work who simply don’t understand that planes tend not to wait if you’re late, and that in the great scheme of things, Monday is an excellent day for their job to be fixed.
10. Rememeber to submit your timesheet before leaving. That way you get paid. Otherwise… well… you starve.