Tweaked!

March 29, 2006

Further amendments to the look of the beast.

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Wanted: Monty Molar

March 28, 2006

Yesterday I broke a tooth. It’s a terrible habit I picked up a few years ago and thought I’d managed to get over it. However it would now appear that I haven’t and one of the molars on the right-hand side of my dainty gob has decided to fall apart (on the inside of my mouth, leaving a right ol’ sharp piece of tooth to rub against my tongue. Oh the bliss.)

For those who are unaware of such things, here are some facts about

Teeth

* Human teeth can withstand up to 90 g-force shock before shattering. Sometimes more. Often less.
* The tooth fairy is actually a gay with really goofy gnashers who I was at school with.
* Teeth were originally made from wood, however the calcium-based fellows we have these days came along after a splinter group was formed.
* To prove how futuristic they are, pop combo The Futureheads have had all their teeth removed and replaced by a computerised chewing engine which they take on tour with them and ingest its pre-masticated pulp. The combined time saving for the group is nearly a fortnight over the year.
* Sugar is not good for teeth. Too much of it and they end up diabetic and require regular insulin injections.
* Although popular myth states that they are, dentists are not actually evil. Except yours.


New wallpaper

March 28, 2006

Welcome to the new-look extra-value boredofjam.

It’s taken me literally minutes of moderately easy work to change the entire look of the blog, so I hope you appreciate it. Nothing’s changed apart from the make-up, but I think I’ll be expanding the boredofjam universe a bit. You know, get it a bit more lively.

So starting from now, for every extra reader you bring to my blog I’ll pay you – yes you! – one British pound.

All I need from you is proof that they’re new readers: A sworn statement from them, witnessed and signed by a solicitor and posted to me special delivery should suffice. Include your name and address and a stamped addressed envelope with 64 pence-worth of stamps on it and in exchange for your loyalty I’ll send you your pound coin.

What in the world could be easier? It’s like free money! No, really, it is!

Free! Money!


Gazumped?

March 24, 2006

Me?

Yup.

Wankers.

Seatons Estate Agents are not to be trusted.


Be concerned no more

March 22, 2006

The previous alarmist entry in the boredofjam blog alluded to nothing more than my first attempt at purchasing a house.

It turns out I’m quite good at it (you know, going in with an initial “cheeky” low offer, then tutting and sucking one’s teeth as thousands of pounds are added on to that more-than-reasonable price by the damned estate agent).

I guess I caved a bit. It’s such a lovely place (I bought it, by the way) that truly, truly I wanted to live in it. Oh yes. And I shall name it “Dunbloggin”.

Of course, I won’t stop with the blog. Oh no. Now comes the “most stressful time of my life”. It is bound to be filled with pleasures and delights beyond all imaginings. And I’ll be more than happy to share them with you, all my readers. Both of you.

As Shakespeare once wrote: “Debt, thy name is Nationwide.”

PS. Thank you for the emails and texts expressing concern over my alledged ‘troublesome-time-of-it’. Now either piss off or lend me a fiver.


Stay tuned…

March 21, 2006

…for an update on the scariest 24/36 hours of my life.


Warning: Politics

March 19, 2006

I cannot believe that the big boys, the top brass, the leaders of the political party that currently has its claws on the nation-state of Britain did not know about £14m quid in loans to the Labour Party.

Somehow, it seems, neither Tony Blair, John Prescott or any of the other chaps who actually run (a) the Labour Party or (b, more scarilly) this country were aware of where all their millions of pounds of funding was coming from.

It’s like an exponential increase on Tessa Jowell’s unbelievable denial that she had “no idea” about the £600k that all of a sudden appeared in her bank account. If that’s a matter-of-course everyday bank credit for a Labour MP, then hell yeah I’m in.

One assumes that at some point this week Smiling Tony will roll out his usual speech for this sort of occasion and delcare that he considers the matter dealt with and will draw a line under it.

However, consider this: What if they’re all lying fucks? Did you guys elect them? I know I didn’t, so I have a nasty feeling that you’re all to blame.

One final question before I go to bed: Would you buy a car from Tony Blair? No? Then why did you let him run the country again? Geez, one day you guys will work it out.