testing times

My dear colleagues have to put up with a lot of old toot from me at work when testing faults in the Microsoft Office Suite (not that there are any, honest. It’s all good stuff, go buy it).

Here’s an example I’ve just put together and sent to Stuart to test a reported fault where the Unread Mail count is increasing when a Draft is saved or a message is automatically deleted without being read

Hello STUpert the Bear (everyone knows his name)

always a pleasure to see you young man. I often wish that I was you because of your rugged good looks and nice collection of jumpers and cardigans. I once bought a creme egg when I was young and put it in my back pocket. swiftly forgetting it was there I then decided to go for a bicycle ride in the countryside for the afternoon. these were the days of long, hot English summers when kids were allowed outside before Sony said that they weren't allowed out because they had to play on the playstation and eat pringles, pizza and Mars before dying of heart disease at age 17 due to overloading their systems with coca cola and red bull (it gives you wings cos you die and turn into an angel if you drink too much of it). anyway I soon found the creme egg on my return home as it had melted in my back pocket and filled it with goo and foil.

it's not a very interesting story, but at least it's an email that will go into my drafts folder so I can see what happens to my unread count.

domainz

So why would Lloyds TSB Commercial Finance want to own the domain name alf.co.uk?

Keep an eye out for some kind of amusing advertisement featuring a man called Alf who runs his own business wishing he’d bought his commercial insurance/loans/etc from Lloyds TSB, hitting those channels that are financed by advertising — Soon.

got the wind

The fence along the south side of my extensive plot of land fell over yesterday.  But!

It may not be my fence. I dunno. The posts are mid-fence with the panels running between them. I have dispatched a minion to find the land deeds for Chez Boredofjam.

Mr Colin has promised a visit to survey the damage and prepare his invoice, mentally, whilst standing in my garden drinking a large coffee enhanced with a generous slug of my finest cooking whisky.

you and me, me and you

Lots and lots for us to do.

For example: Growing a mango, especially as they’re half price at Sainsbury’s at the moment.

I’ve looked up some instructions and will be setting the fellow off this evening (once I’ve eaten it). Regular (probably) updates to follow (so long as it lives).

at the carwash

The trend for superbmarkets to allow men in flourescent jackets to stroll around their carparks and offer to wash your car is a great idea. The chap that turned my crapheap of a motor into a gleaming, silver, alloy-wheeled driving machine has to have been a magician. The transformation was incredible, especially for just the five English pounds Sterling. Hurrah!

this lot…

wankers

Since moving house, they’ve not bothered to take any money from my bank account and are now demanding it with menaces. I was allowed no more than four months to pay off the £170 I “owe”. Having already told them it’s their problem about 5 months ago when they first highlighted the issue of “my” non-payment (they have not one, but two Direct Debits set up on my account, take your pick), they’ve done bugger all to sort it out.

My contract ends mid-June. I can’t wait to leave.

the most boring blog entry in the world… ever!

Did you know you can’t buy the valve caps for radiators separately? You know, the ones you use to turn the heat on or off?

Been trying for weeks and they only come with new valves, bad luck sonny. Any plumbers in the UK want to prove me wrong, then do so.

Many thanks

wii!

BigBlueSturge got a Wii today, yay! Soon his Miis can come and stay at mine!
Also, Warioware Smooth Moves is out in PC World. But not released untill tomorrow. Now bearing in mind I don’t have enough time to play my current set of ber-illiant games, should I invest yet more cash on something I will probably only use to gather dust upon?

cretins

Some wanking gitfuck of a spammer has finally, after about 4 years, got hold of my personal email address and begun to send me all kinds of exciting offers for things I don’t need.

Actually, because of the way spam works these days, by including a bloody great big long nonsense paragraph and attaching a picture with the relevant message, I’m not sure what I’m offered.

All my email is viewed as plain text, all HTML is removed and no external images are displayed. Also, as they are an invasion of my privacy, I ensure that read receipts are not sent when requested.

Five things to remember, kids:

1. Email should be sent as plain text, never as rich text or HTML.

2. Please, for the love of god, don’t send on anything which has the letters FW: repeated any number of times at the beginning of the subject line.

3. The same goes for anything that finishes with the phrase “Send this on to 20 of your best friends (and back to me) and see who really truly loves you!!!!!!11!!!”. If you really, truly love me, remember I have to pay for every frickin’ byte I download off the internet and your shitty pictures of dogs chasing footballs and birds sitting next to each other on a branch in the snow are shunting me ever nearer my download limit. Don’t do it.

4. Never, ever, open an attachment from anyone (even if you know them) if you are encouraged to do it as it’s a screensaver of Britney Spears snogging Jessica Simpson*.

5. Don’t install Smileys. Don’t install “toolbars”. Don’t install any anti-spyware software which announces itself through a pop-up. You are already compromised and clicking anywhere in the pop-up will install more spyware. It’s true.

6. Got wireless? Encrypt it. You idiots make it far too easy for people like me to avoid my download limit by using yours. Hahahahaha.

*I’ve seen it, it’s rubbish.

trendily retro

I’ve decided that retro is the new cool.

It’s the new new.

New is so old it’s embarrassing.

You’ve got version 8.1? Well I’ve got the trendy retro version 7.5. It’s got style and class your new one can only dream of. It’s got “the look”. It’s timeless. It’s classic.

Yes! My jeans are “classic”. My trainers I’ve been wearing for the last 3 years? They’re now shabby chic (they’re also lethal if it’s wet out, but, well, who cares when I look sooo fab in my cool duds?).

Your phone can take pictures can it? And play music? Well, has yours got a dial? And a long lead? Can you pick yours up and say “Operator, get me Woodbridge 344” and get put through to a man who doesn’t understand how the “speaking stick” works?

Pah, I thought not!

Now leave me alone to write a text message… Ah… Remind me, how many turns of the dial for an ‘M’?

(Note: Yes, I might want an iPhone, but I want it in 5 years’ time. And I’d rather it came with just the 48k of memory and an 8-colour pallette).