January 11, 2007

BigBlueSturge got a Wii today, yay! Soon his Miis can come and stay at mine!
Also, Warioware Smooth Moves is out in PC World. But not released untill tomorrow. Now bearing in mind I don’t have enough time to play my current set of ber-illiant games, should I invest yet more cash on something I will probably only use to gather dust upon?



January 11, 2007

Some wanking gitfuck of a spammer has finally, after about 4 years, got hold of my personal email address and begun to send me all kinds of exciting offers for things I don’t need.

Actually, because of the way spam works these days, by including a bloody great big long nonsense paragraph and attaching a picture with the relevant message, I’m not sure what I’m offered.

All my email is viewed as plain text, all HTML is removed and no external images are displayed. Also, as they are an invasion of my privacy, I ensure that read receipts are not sent when requested.

Five things to remember, kids:

1. Email should be sent as plain text, never as rich text or HTML.

2. Please, for the love of god, don’t send on anything which has the letters FW: repeated any number of times at the beginning of the subject line.

3. The same goes for anything that finishes with the phrase “Send this on to 20 of your best friends (and back to me) and see who really truly loves you!!!!!!11!!!”. If you really, truly love me, remember I have to pay for every frickin’ byte I download off the internet and your shitty pictures of dogs chasing footballs and birds sitting next to each other on a branch in the snow are shunting me ever nearer my download limit. Don’t do it.

4. Never, ever, open an attachment from anyone (even if you know them) if you are encouraged to do it as it’s a screensaver of Britney Spears snogging Jessica Simpson*.

5. Don’t install Smileys. Don’t install “toolbars”. Don’t install any anti-spyware software which announces itself through a pop-up. You are already compromised and clicking anywhere in the pop-up will install more spyware. It’s true.

6. Got wireless? Encrypt it. You idiots make it far too easy for people like me to avoid my download limit by using yours. Hahahahaha.

*I’ve seen it, it’s rubbish.

trendily retro

January 10, 2007

I’ve decided that retro is the new cool.

It’s the new new.

New is so old it’s embarrassing.

You’ve got version 8.1? Well I’ve got the trendy retro version 7.5. It’s got style and class your new one can only dream of. It’s got “the look”. It’s timeless. It’s classic.

Yes! My jeans are “classic”. My trainers I’ve been wearing for the last 3 years? They’re now shabby chic (they’re also lethal if it’s wet out, but, well, who cares when I look sooo fab in my cool duds?).

Your phone can take pictures can it? And play music? Well, has yours got a dial? And a long lead? Can you pick yours up and say “Operator, get me Woodbridge 344” and get put through to a man who doesn’t understand how the “speaking stick” works?

Pah, I thought not!

Now leave me alone to write a text message… Ah… Remind me, how many turns of the dial for an ‘M’?

(Note: Yes, I might want an iPhone, but I want it in 5 years’ time. And I’d rather it came with just the 48k of memory and an 8-colour pallette).

how much?

January 10, 2007

There’s just me living here in this ol’ house. Just me.

So I was rather startled to get a gas & electricity bill today for £280 for the previous quarter, which is something of an increase on the previous quarter’s £55. Obviously I don’t have much experience of How Much Household Bills Actually Are, but it seems rather steep for just me.

Anyone out there able to reassure me that this is the way of things? Or should I switch off the heating and the hot water? I mean, it’s on for all of 3 hours a day.

everybody’s talking about it

January 9, 2007

The new iPhone.

Do I want one? I’m embarrassed to admit it, but yes, I think I do.

Now, if someone could please, please explain to me why I hate everything to do with the iPod but am already spending unhealthy amounts of time staring at this, I would be grateful.

happy new year greetings

January 8, 2007

By the way, Happy New Year to all my readers.

And that means you, Unc.

There is a Christmas Post #2 in my drafts folder, but I can’t get the damned WYSIWYG thingy to pick up the pictures.

Which is a disappointment to you all, I can tell.

Blessings upon ye.

watching the tellybox

January 8, 2007

It is not often that I get to watch the zombie box. I happened upon it last weekend when the fantastic Planet Earth show was being repeated on UKTV History. It’s a stunning programme, and whilst I’d love to accept all that I saw as God’s Own Creation, my cynicalf eye is always on the lookout for things which have been, ahem, ‘digitally encouraged’ in post-production.

A prime example of this would appear to be in Planet Earth‘s sister show Blue Planet. Stunning photography of fish that no-one’s ever seen before, and they’re all beautifully mid-framed and lit yet apparently swimming like good ‘uns against a black background (Attenborough intoning that no light can reach this far down, and five minutes later contradicting himself by saying that, of course, there is some light here, look at this crazy fish with photosensitive private parts (or some such nonsense)) whilst a parallax of bits float past at speed.

Thinks: black paper + big tank + piece of wire + fish + man with a piece of cardboard to make the water flow = nice little earner for the BBC effects department.

Stunning photography, Blue Peter mindset, profits soar.

Anyhoo, all of this is by-the-by.

The main piece of entertainment last night was Ray Mears’ Wild Food in which the titular survivalist set out to explain how our ancestors in Britain managed to use their hunter/gatherer skills to survive. And in order to do this, he, er, flew to Australia and force-fed a witchety grub to an academic man called Richard.

Their investigations led them to declare that most of the edible flora Down Under tastes like cucumber and the fauna is reminiscent of “fishy chicken”. Thanks guys, our Neanderthal ancestors are blessing you from beyond their burial mounds.

The reason that I don’t watch a lot of telly is because it annoys me. In the same way that you should never eat in a restaurant where the toilet is dirty, I have created some rules for television programmes. And here is Rule #1:

1. Never trust a thin chef. I don’t want to be told by an emaciated Gary Rhodes, or the beanpole-esque Tanner brothers, how to eat. I want AWT or Brian Turner – chefs of distinction and elasticated waistbands.

So I guess the opposite should be true of a survival expert. He should be lean-looking. A bit gnarled; unpampered. I understand that if you’re going to “survive” then you’d better be good at it, but it seems that our Ray has taken this a few podgy steps too far. After all, surviving does at least imply there may be some difficulty in finding food/shelter/transportation.

Quite understandably, the temperatures in the Outback were quite stunning. The telly people would have been sweating in their khaki safari suits. Rather luckily, the mode of transport for our chum was a fully kitted out Land Rover, air-con no doubt set to full throughout the perilous journey.

Quite why the pretense of “let’s set up a canvas sheet by tying it to a tree and a termite mound” was required when the gargantuan vehicle could have comfortably slept four people, I’ll never know.

With every stop, some more Aboriginal treats were sampled, but with each piece of lovely-but-tastes-of-cucumber food you knew that in the fridge back at the support vehicle was a slap-up steak and chips meal in a Ray size portion.

To be honest, at the end of the programme I had a feeling that there was more of Ray “out front” than there was “outback”.

Still, I shall tune in next week.