This year, above all others, has been the Year of the Sponsor Me email.
Every frickin’ day I get sent an email imploring me to sponsor some self-satisfied twat who’s decided that they’re going to
- run the London Marathon
- cycle from John O’Groats to Land’s End
- walk on their hands for 16 hours
- use only their tongue to steer their car around the M25
So this year, in a stunning alternative to all those worthy tossers who will take to the roads of London on Sunday, I am offering you the chance to sponsor me.
For the length of time it takes the fastest self-righteous runner to complete the marathon, I will endeavour to do the most unhealthy, utterly selfish deeds I can.
The plan is as follows:
- smoke a range of cigarettes, cigarillos, cigars, tobaccos and pipes
- drink massive quantities of alcohol- and caffeine-based beverages
- eat deep-fried foods
- steal money from old people
Obviously I can’t do this without your support, so please, sign up. All monies will be gratefully received and pumped into my bank account for spending on something frivolous.
So, here’s hoping for a heatwave this Sunday. It’ll make the lager-beer taste so much nicer straight out of the fridge.