sign up

This year, above all others, has been the Year of the Sponsor Me email.

Every frickin’ day I get sent an email imploring me to sponsor some self-satisfied twat who’s decided that they’re going to

  • run the London Marathon
  • cycle from John O’Groats to Land’s End
  • walk on their hands for 16 hours
  • use only their tongue to steer their car around the M25
  • (etc)

So this year, in a stunning alternative to all those worthy tossers who will take to the roads of London on Sunday, I am offering you the chance to sponsor me.

For the length of time it takes the fastest self-righteous runner to complete the marathon, I will endeavour to do the most unhealthy, utterly selfish deeds I can.

The plan is as follows:

  • smoke a range of cigarettes, cigarillos, cigars, tobaccos and pipes
  • drink massive quantities of alcohol- and caffeine-based beverages
  • eat deep-fried foods
  • steal money from old people

Obviously I can’t do this without your support, so please, sign up. All monies will be gratefully received and pumped into my bank account for spending on something frivolous.

So, here’s hoping for a heatwave this Sunday. It’ll make the lager-beer taste so much nicer straight out of the fridge.

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