punch his piggy eyes

May 21, 2007

Having seen the UK versions of the PC/Mac campaigns, I thought it would be impossible for the self important one out of Mitchel(l) and Web(b) to be even more self-pleasingly proud of himself than when he’s acting out the role of a piece of computer hardware.

I was wrong. I’ve handily highlighted the chap in question, just in case you miss the man I’m talking about. Check it:

boredofcomedy

The other fellow looks totally excited in a nine-year-old-on-a-school-trip-what-sarnies-have-you-got? way.

Mr Smug appears to have borrowed Rod Hull’s fake Emu arm and is no doubt pleasuring himself as the picture is taken.

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been a while

May 17, 2007

Back in the day, when I was young and Paul McCartney didn’t so obviously dye his hair, I worked as a graphic designer. I wasn’t an specially good one, but I kinda grasp which colours go together and the importance of white space in a decent design.

I got to learn all about the printing biz, how to scan nicely and how they like things laid out at the printers. I also got to play with Photoshop, PageMaker, Office and QuarkXpress.

And that’s where I found out how much I love using Quark.

I’d spent my entire university career using Aldus PageMaker on a laptop, laying out the Thing Monthly, a ludicrous idea for a student magazine I came up with after drinking too much Baileys one afternoon. So when I went to work for John Alborough back in – god – early 1995, I was put in front of my workstation and told to lay out my first “professional” magazine in Quark. It took quite a lot of learnin’ to get it right, but I got there in the end and now, all these years later, I can use Quark to what I like to describe as a “basic” level.

So it is a pleasure, despite my continued grouching, every year to be allowed to dust down the old gal and produce a leaflet for Jen and her cronies for the Suffolk Show.

This year, as you will be aware, I have replaced my computer and *cough* “upgraded” to Windows Vimto. This, of course, means that my lovely copy of Quark won’t work. It seems that version 6 is not happy with Vimto.

And nor am I.

Because version 7.2 of QuarkXpress (which is guaranteed to work with Bill’s Beast) will set me back $749. Which, at the current exchange rate, is about £360 Sterling. But not according to Quark. Their grey-suited accountants seem to think that a Dollar is currently worth a Pound. Yes, laydeesangennlemnn, QXP 7.2 in the UK costs £749.

Whaaat? I appear to have found the Anti-bargain. If only they’d priced it at £666, we’d have spotted it earlier and alerted the nearest Vicar.


biscuit mentalism

May 15, 2007

My colleague, Stu, has recently “come out” as a crazy man.

In an idle office-based chat, he declared that “Rich tea biscuits with butter on them is luuuvly”.

I scoffed at this assertion, but Stu has clung on to the vague hope that somewhere out there is someone else with the same ideas as him.

Finally, he found this place, which he believes puts everything straight and absolves him of any accusations of insanity.

But what does he know? He’s mad.


tickets for the folk festival/a nice day out (double a-side)

May 7, 2007

It’s a tradition, or an old charter, or something, which decrees that someone has to take themselves off to Cambridge in order to queue for tickets to the Folk Festival.

So David and I flung ourselves down the A14 and went to Cambridge for the most unproductive and infuriating five hours I’ve ever experienced. However we managed to drink a fair few cups of coffee in Starbucks, and I even chanced a slice of their granola bar).

In a boredofjam first, here’s a video of the queue as we walked along it…

Did we get tix? Eventually. Literally three minutes before the hotline closed Dave managed to get through (this being after spending the day on redial duty on two mobiles, and even having to resort to buying a charger to use in the car after my battery died two-and-a-half hours in).


windows vista chat

May 1, 2007

Alf says:
lol ah yea
Alf says:
bought a bluetooth dongle just now
Alf says:
works a treat, first one i’ve ever seen work a treat
Alf says:
btw, Vista truly SUCKS
Alf says:
SUCKS SUCKY SUCK SUCK
Genghis says:
what did it do to you?
Alf says:
1. it crashed last night.
Alf says:
it was sat there, locked, nothing happening at all. I was out. I wasn’t touching it. It crashed, wouldn’t come back from standby
Genghis says:
arf!
Alf says:
2. It’s suddenly decided that my keyboard and mouse cannot be plugged into the USB hub I had them plugged into last week
Alf says:
3. It’s been trying to install an “urgent update” for over a week, it fails every time
Alf says:
4. It now no longer recognises my phone as a valid USB thingy
Genghis says:
isshit, basically
Genghis says:
come back xp, all is forgiven
Alf says:
5. Whenever AVG does an update it complains that the Update bit is “in error”
Alf says:
6. All the feckin’ files have moved around!
Genghis says:
😀
Genghis says:
😀 😀 😀
Alf says:
I can’t write to my fuckin’ documents folder
Alf says:
MY DOCUMENTS
Alf says:
THAT I WRITE
Genghis says:
ooh, no, not *your* documents, sir….
Alf says:
*coughs* well ok they’re torrents which I have set up in my docs folder
Alf says:
but But BUT
Genghis says:
M$ has mearly granted you a licence to *their* documents which you mearly happened to create – did you not read the EULA?
Alf says:
there is this “watched folders” crap which I think is causing the problem
Alf says:
ah ahaha vrrrr fnnnie
Alf says:
;D
Alf says:
I’ve turned the watched folders off
Alf says:
I thought
Alf says:
But now I’ve “switched it off” in the system area I CAN’T FIND THE BLOODY APPLICATION TO CHECK IF IT’S ON OR OFF
Genghis says:
😀 😀 😀
Alf says:
Just Cos The Icon’s Not There Dun’t Mean It’s Not Running (lesson 2)
Genghis says:
xactly
Alf says:
I think I’ll blog this, it’s cathartic
Genghis says:
well it’s ranty, certainly
Alf says:
should go down a storm
Alf says:
with the idiots that read the blog