and now – my descent into madness

October 31, 2007

List (1):
Things to pick up on the way out of the door on the way to work:

1. Wallet
2. Cash
3. Mobile phone
4. Packet of snot rags with which to dab at my dainty little hooter
5. Keys

List (2):
Things not to pick up on the way out of the door on the way to work:

1. Packet of Heavy Load Ceiling Fan Fixings

The thing is, I didn’t notice I’d picked them up until I was half-way to work and  I looked across at the passenger seat to check I had the things in List (1).

Donations welcome to my nursing home fund, ta.

there’s a hole in my kilner jar

October 30, 2007

Don’t, whatever you do, tell Big Colin about this.

I’ve just managed to break the lid from the top of a Kilner jar he kindly gave me the other week. Said jar contains the dried fruit for my proposed Christmas cake. It also contains an unholy measure of brandy and Grand Mariner (well, who doesn’t have these store-cupboard essentials by the gallon?).

I thought I may as well “just try a little” (I believe W.T. Pooh, esq also once had a crazy idea like this) and in doing so, I made like an England goalkeeper and fumbled the lid onto the kitchen floor where it smashed into a meeeellion pieces.

Buggah boy (as me father would no doubt say at this point).

So I am rather hoping that Unc can come up with the goods and see if there’s a spare jar lurking in a corner somewhere at his house. And if so, could I nab it. And if so, on Friday?

At the moment the fruit is protected by some cling film. I just hope there’s enough alcohol in there to keep it sanitary…

anniversaries come, anniversaries go

October 12, 2007

Years ago, I used to run a fanzine along with the venerable Buz. In fact, it was started 15 years ago this month. Following on from an argument on t’emails, an explanation of the Thing Monthly was required.

This was “lifted” from Wikipedia:

The Thing Monthly, an occasional, badly DTPed fanzine along the lines of Irregular Shed (but with better staples). Winner of the “Damn Damn Damn, We Don’t Need This Kind Of Competition You Basts” Award from Your Sinclair (of a parish) the TM (as it was known in certain circles) lasted for 5 years, having produced 37 monthly issues.

Subjects covered
Maths was not one of the subjects covered in the TM.

The jokes in the TM could be categorised, sorry, certified. Well, the writers should have been. The TM contained four (4) entire jokes, repeated with regularity across the 37 issues, and indeed within each issue. These jokes were:

  • The Jealous Giraffes
    Written and drawn by Mat Beal (AKA Lame Bat/Meat Lab), the Jealous Giraffes were a single frame cartoon featuring two comedy giraffes. One would be performing some kind of action (or not) whilst the other would be looking on whilst thinking “Lucky git”.
  • Mike Grady
    The explanation of this is too tedious to mention, but whenever Mike Grady made an appearance in the TM he would always introduce himself like this: “Hi! My name’s Mike Grady, but my friends call me Mike, Micky, or Mr. Grady”
  • Joanna Lumley
    All lists (or failed jokes, of which there were many) were to be concluded with the catch-all “Joanna Lumley”. Mainly due to Alf’s obsession with the lovely Joanna. The TM The Fifth featured an article on the discovery of the Eleventh Biblical Commandment. I’ll not spoil the punchline.

After The TM
Following on from the percieved success of the TM, editor-at-lager, Alf, wrote the news. For about 8 months, top notch comedy comedy gubbins was sent, daily, to the inboxes of those-in-the-know. (They knew how to press Delete).

[Edit: For shame, I got the Mike Grady joke wrong. It should read thus:
“Hi! My name’s Mike Grady, but my friends call me Michael, Micky, or Mr. Grady!”
Shame on you, Buz, for not spotting the deliberate mistake.]

death of an insect

October 12, 2007

I’ve been attacking my front room with a paintbrush and some paints. Currently it’s like a Warholesque landscape of drips and patches. Trench warfare, but in acrylic.

So having made in-roads last night and glossed up the window frame and some of the skirting board, I woke this morning to discover that a moth had decided to spread itself liberally around my lovely pure brilliant white window ledge.

I, as they say, am not happy.

And so the Moth War begins.

the golden compass

October 11, 2007

Damn the eyes of those Yank publishers for not quite understanding the book, and giving it a, er, stupid name, but the film of The Northern Lights by Philip Pullman is out this Christmas.

And, as tedious a man as Pullman is, and, as stunningly boring book 3 of the trilogy is, I’m looking forward to it.

Nicole Kidman looks stunning as Mrs Coulter, the kid they’ve got to play Lyra seems to be spot on (let’s hope she can act (Radcliffe, Grint and, er, Hermione take note)). And – and – there’s Eva Green as Serafina Peckala. Brilliant!

I’m still a touch doubtful if Daniel Craig is the right man for the job of Lord Asriel, but I’ll hold off judgement until I’ve seen the film. After all, he turned in a brilliant performance as James Bond.

Fingers crossed that the CGI holds up, eh?

Trailers and blah blah are here. Although I expect they’re elsewhere too. Please yourselves.

for the guy looking for the manic miner walkthrough

October 10, 2007

Just type 6031769 whilst playing the game and then use cunning combinations of the number keys to get you to the various levels.

Peasy, see?

apple geek talk

October 3, 2007

Alf says:
And you thought that 500 dorrah bought you something that you actually owned?
Alf says:
pwnd by teh apple
Genghis says:
Alf says:
Jobs looks down from his cloud on high and zzzaps everyone with a finger-fired lightnin’ bolt!
Genghis says:
they’re going to get seriously rolled over by Nokia
Genghis says:
have you seen the new Nokia “open to everything” ads?
Alf says:
nope, are they goodduns?
Genghis says:
not really – just quick off the mark
Genghis says:
Alf says:
lol it’s a good point, but they’re not in league with teh devil so it doesn’t matter. iPhones that get deadderised cos the users want more choice doesn’t matter. Having to pay £££/$$$ for iPhones which tie you into an 18/24 month expensivo contract doesn’t matter. Everyone wants one.
Alf says:
and i hear they are the only mobile phones which have been scientifically proven to cause cancer. but it doesn’t matter
Genghis says:
nope, not a jot

unc plz send money…

October 1, 2007

Dear Reader

I appear to be in Germany. Quite how I got here is a mystery but I have a lump on the back of my head, 50 euros in my pocket and a kidney missing. A letter advises me to drink only water for the next 3 weeks and to check myself into a hospital as soon as possible.

In other news, the weather is great – it must be about 23 degrees outside, the sun is shining and it appears that these days German women shave…

And now, I am off to the Oktoberfest.

Life “ist gut”.