“We’ve made this one for the fans,” they said.
Not for this fan.
“We’ve done as many of the special effects without CGI,” they said.
Then what the fuck are all the CGI gophers, explosions, fridges, monkeys and aliens doing in there?
Oh yes, Indy’s back and so are George Lucas’s shit-covered fingerprints.
I had wanted to love the return of the fedora-wearing archaeologist, I mean who doesn’t like a bit of Time Team now and then, and had thought that given 19 years they could have come up with a crackin’ storyline and screenplay, but, eeeaaah no.
The greatness of the original trilogy has been upset by this bastard teenaged son of a film:
What was the Grease/American Graffiti scene about?
Where was the 10 minute mini-story at the start?
Where were the thrill-ride scenes?
Where were the bad guys you could actually hate? Cate Blanchett turns in a role which is second only to Hayden Christensen for its blandness.
Why, in god’s name, did Indy get to walk into a tomb with Mutt Williams and get out again with no peril whatsoever? I will admit that there were a couple of badly cgi-ed scorpions, but no traps, no more creepy crawlies, no threats. Nothing. Indy even put his hand into a hole in the wall to open the tomb. Did he get trapped and the floor drop away? No. Did insects appear from nowhere to menace them? No. Did thousand-year old curses rain down upon them? No. Creepy skeletons? No. The undead? No. Mummies? No. Anything a bit creepy like the melting Nazi faces in Raiders of the Lost Ark? No.
It was bland. It disappointed from one scene to the next and the fuckin’ alien spaceship payoff, whilst pretty, truly has no place in an Indiana Jones film.
So here we are, I am starting a bounty fund for George Lucas’s retirement. If a million of us give him a couple of quid each, maybe he’ll just bugger off and sit on his diamond-encrusted Star Wars logoed throne on Skywalker Ranch rather than spewing out worthless shite like this.
Now excuse me while I write a better Indy film by cutting up old copies of Hello magazine and gluing random sentences together.
PS. Contains spoilers.