science news

I notice that the Hadron Collider has “broken”.

It’s going to take them 25 years to fix it, but because of the hole they’ve ripped in space/time, it’ll be done by 10th September 2008.

(now with better punchline)

from the desk of andrew motion (the poet laureate)

Lines on the passing of Grange Hill

1. So the final bell
Rings
To signal the end of the lesson
But
The bell is for my benefit
Not yours

2. Mrs McClusky
Headmistress, voice husky
The P.E. fella with the beard
Old Bronson, played by Sheard
Schoolgirl pregnant
Zammo died
Roland’s diet
Deep-fat fried

3. Set in London
Then Liverpool
Then nowhere particular
Just a generic TV school
Phil Redmond, no longer TV cool
Get back to Brookie
Play some hookie
Give us the bliss of your famous
Lesbo kiss

4. Yet in the end, no-one
Gave a fuck
To be honest
That’s just Tucker’s Luck.

© Andrew Motion 2008 (still missing the Queen Mother)

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from on high:

Welcome one, welcome all to September Twelve, Two Thousand Eight.

You will notice, if you look out of your window (if your office allows you such luxuries) that this year I have made especial effort to get you all a nice, grey, dull Friday.

Your desks, too, will be loaded with work. I’ve had some new stuff created for you all, just to keep you busy. After all, as the new owner of Manchester City says: “Idle hands should be cut off by a huge beardy man with a big sword.”

Drinks this evening: Your partners will make you a nice cup of tea, with my compliments.

Food: Be it everso humble, there’s no place I’d rather not be than in your kitchens cooking for you. So you’ll have to do it yourselves. With my blessing.

Celebrations: I hope you’ve remembered today is Alfadan and that you are fasting from sunrise to sunset. And only facing nor’-by-nor’west. Every five minutes, genuflection is required and expected. Please remember to chant. In public, and on public transport.

Sacrifices: Please bring lambs, calves and chickens. And a barbecue. And hot sauce. And possibly a nice bottle of wine. Red or white accepted, preferably over a tenner.

Blessings: Form an orderly queue. I will decide whether you get a vague acknowledgement, a hand shake, or the full 45 minutes.

Many thanks, your copy of the holy word (the completly fabcomedy.net news) is in the post.