from on high:

Welcome one, welcome all to September Twelve, Two Thousand Eight.

You will notice, if you look out of your window (if your office allows you such luxuries) that this year I have made especial effort to get you all a nice, grey, dull Friday.

Your desks, too, will be loaded with work. I’ve had some new stuff created for you all, just to keep you busy. After all, as the new owner of Manchester City says: “Idle hands should be cut off by a huge beardy man with a big sword.”

Drinks this evening: Your partners will make you a nice cup of tea, with my compliments.

Food: Be it everso humble, there’s no place I’d rather not be than in your kitchens cooking for you. So you’ll have to do it yourselves. With my blessing.

Celebrations: I hope you’ve remembered today is Alfadan and that you are fasting from sunrise to sunset. And only facing nor’-by-nor’west. Every five minutes, genuflection is required and expected. Please remember to chant. In public, and on public transport.

Sacrifices: Please bring lambs, calves and chickens. And a barbecue. And hot sauce. And possibly a nice bottle of wine. Red or white accepted, preferably over a tenner.

Blessings: Form an orderly queue. I will decide whether you get a vague acknowledgement, a hand shake, or the full 45 minutes.

Many thanks, your copy of the holy word (the completly news) is in the post.


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