star trek 11: kirk hangs off stuff

Hands up, you caught me, I like sci-fi. I grew up enjoying the Original Trek movies. I liked Next Generation Trek, and I enjoyed the first few serieses of Deep Space 9.

Most importantly – most importantly – I like Shatner. Oh, I also like Nimoy and Kelley and Nichols and, er, Sulu and Chekov and Scotty (just not to the same extent). And the other ones (if there are any other ones, I don’t pay a lot of attention to what goes on on the screen): There are spaceships (pew-pew)! There are men with laserguns (pew-pew)! There are two of the Trumpton firemen (Pugh-Pugh)!  All good.


So I rather went into the new Star Trek movie wanting desperately to hate Chris Pine and his take on Kirk. He isn’t Shatner, and nor does he try to be (to his credit). He kinda gets Kirk. For about 8 minutes throughout the entire film. Right at the beginning and in the scene with the Kobyashi Maru, which is a lovely homage to The Wrath of Khan. After that he reverts to pretty boy in a big-budget movie, but not to such an extent as that kid in Transformers/Indiana Jones 4.

I thought that the movie was great. A lot of the reviewers in the press are also saying this. The Onion did something amusing on a web video about it last week. I spit on The Onion and call them simple Iowa farmboys (get me with the reference, eh?). But they’re  the ones with the big famous website, and this is just my blog. And you, my dear friend, are my only reader.

Bless you (pew-pew).

Now, they’ve restarted, rebooted and reimagined the franchise. This could go two ways: towards Planet of the Apes (the best irony of that particular heresy is the removal of the “You Blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!” line), or in the direction of The Dark Knight. I’ll not mention Batman Begins, as it was a shockingly awful waste of celluloid.

And so to “Star Trek: See Kirk Dangling Into Pits, Crevasses and Multitudinous Deep Holes”.  No kidding, we start the film off with young Jim dangling from the edge of a cliff and it goes from there. Four or five times, I lost count. I have a nasty feeling that it’s a metaphor for something, but I can’t be arsed to look for it beyond an exasperated cry of “Dear god, stop doing that, we get it, you’re alluding to something. And we don’t care.”

There are two quite outstanding performances:

  1. Karl Urban as Bones. My god, Jim, he’s got it right on the nail. Having seen him in “Doom”, where he couldn’t have acted his way beyond the “Exit” sign above the cinema door, this was some kind of freaky casting. But it works. The scenes that he and Pine share are some of the best, and Bones gets all the good lines.
  2. Sylar as Spock. Although he just comes across just on the wrong side of being a wee bit effete.
  3. Uhura in her pants.

Then there’s the part in the film where the entire cast turn to the camera and say something along the lines of: “For Our American Audience And To Make Sure We Get A Sequel, Let Us Explain That We’re Now In A Totally Different Timeline To The One That Would Have Been,” exposition, exposition, the story comes to grinding halt the music stops, everyone looks at each other, nods, takes a breath and we’re off again.

I was looking forward to seeing Simon Pegg as Scotty. I’m afraid, though, he is rubbish. And appears to believe that SHOUTING is the best way to be Scottish. Simon, Si Pegg, Si Pe: No. No darling. It’s not big and you’re not Brian Blessed. Stop it. And while you’re about it, get rid of the sidekick.

Nero, the villain of the piece, is less threatening than Evil Edna off Willo The Wisp. Maybe that’s down to Bana, the world’s most bland actor.

The guy they got for Sarek looks funny and Chekov sounds like Austin Powers. Replace whoever he is immediately.

The effects are lovely, except when they used little CGI men in one scene, they still suffer from looking like they’ve been generated by a PS2.

Oh and the Cloverfield monster appears, as does that other JJ Abrams staple, Slusho.

The film is over 2 hours long, and is very silly, but it just whips through. Go see.

Oh, and look out for the other Wrath of Khan nod between Spock and Nero.



2 Responses to star trek 11: kirk hangs off stuff

  1. Fiona says:

    Owwwww …. my head hurts. Just how much caffeine have you had today? 😉

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