is that an erec^H^H^Hlection in your pocket?

March 30, 2010

It’s due to get horribly political in the UK for the next few weeks, what with a General Election on its way (supposedly, although as yet, Gordo hasn’t had the Ed Balls to announce when it’ll be) (d’ya see what I did there?).

In order that you, dear EnglishBritish Reader, are prepared for the onslaught of weasel words and too-good-to-be-true promises which will fall upon your ears in the next six weeks or so, hop over here for a heads-up in knowing where you are on the political scale.

If you want to know more about a particular party, go to their website, or email for a manifesto. Phone up the candidates and get them over for a cuppa so you can ask important questions. They might even like to take you out for a pint at your local, you never know. Remember though, don’t believe the hype, and don’t feed them after midnight (or something like that).

So, come the revolution [Insert date here please – Ed], get out there and vote. Don’t let someone take your democracy from you. Make your mark with confidence on the day. And if you really can’t, just turn up to your local poling station and take a shit in the voting booth*.

It’s probably going to be a very close run thing, and it’s vital that everyone does their part to remind those in Parliament that they are put there to represent us, the British public, and not to fill their bank accounts with “expenses”, or to get a free kitchen for their niece’s new house official second residence.

Best of luck to all candidates, but better luck to all us voters.

*Actually, don’t.

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the 3d revolution

March 29, 2010

Our blog chum, Neil (from out of HP) will be feeling vindicated with the recent announcement of the next generation of portable gaming equipment.

No no, it’s not another new Sony PSP Go (this time with no screen, no buttons, no sound and even fewer games)*. It’s Nintendo’s intended update of the why-is-this-so-popular? gaming machine the DSi.

Currently being touted as the 3DSi (see what they did there) it will bring three dimensional gaming to the pockets of the masses. Somehow.

Of course, if you wanted to play an actual 3D game you could just get off your tubby Nintendo arse and play some fucking sport. Or a game where you get some friends over and have to talk to them. But don’t take that personally.

*Gaming irony.

(of course, the astute among you will have noticed that there is a clever Nintendo prototype machine pun in the title of this post).


all the twos

March 29, 2010

2 hours of sleep last night.

2 Tupperware boxes in the fridge. One containing the much-needed coffee beans, the other containing some salad.

Place your bets, roll-up one and all, which one gets offered up to the coffee grinder this morning?


the shame

March 27, 2010

If you suffer from cold sores, you’ll probably spend a lot of time trying your best to avoid them. You’re ashamed of yourself when you get one. You’re a dirty whorebag of a slut for ending up with herpes simplex, and you shouldn’t be seen in public. Basically, you should die.

Or at least, that’s how I feel about myself when I get one. So I’ll do anything to encourage the fuckers away as quickly as possible.

I find that lysine seems to help keep them controlled pretty well so that they’re not as intrusive (or rather obvious) as previously. Of course, as with all of this sort of thing, your mileage may vary. I take a single 1000mg tablet a day. They come from the health food shop.

This morning I discovered that I was running low on tablets, with less than a week’s supply remaining. So I figured that I’d pop into town and pick up another tub of them. Manfully striding into town I make straight for the appropriate shop and start scouring the shelves. Obviously, along with every other shop in the world, nothing stays in one place very long, and this time was no exception. The lysine was not where it was previously. However, being male, I’ll be damned if I’m going to ask a any shop assistant for, ahem, assistance.

Eventually I caved. I looked really really hard. But all I could find was cod liver oil, candied pineapple chunks and whey protein. I didn’t want any of those things. So, with shame in my heart, I asked the shop assistant.

“Hello!” I said.

“Ooh!” She said, “you scared me.”

I guess I had loomed from out of a different part of the brightly lit shop and into the ten feet of personal space around her, so that’s fair. I’d scared her with my obviousness. Damn me.

“I wonder,” I asked, “do you have any lysine? I’ve looked everywhere and I’ve been here for about a week.”

At this point the assistant, bless her, looked upon me with sad eyes. She reached and took my hand and patted it sympathetically.

“Awww… lysine,” she cooed, and continued in a whisper, “of course. We keep it behind the til.” And she wandered off, my hand still in hers, towards the cash desk. Part-way there she stopped and turned to me, and again, in a conspiratorial tone said, “We do three sizes. Five hundred milligrams in sixties, a thousand milligrams in sixties and a thousand in hundred-twenties.”

As far as I knew, lysine is some kind of soya protein and not really something worthy of hushed voices and gently-gently customer treatment.

“I may as well take the big tub,” I said.

“Awww, bless you, ok,” she smiled and shrugged and fished around behind the til until she found the packet. As she put the price through the til, I had a nasty feeling that I’d just about managed to escape without her pinching my cheek and ruffling my hair.

To quote from some of the higher quality Sunday papers, I paid, made my excuses and left.


treat the cat

March 27, 2010

I just fed the cat a tasty chicken-based cat biscuit treat.

For my kindness, he sneezed over my hand.

So I’ve got some cat snot if anyone wants?


awards season is here

March 27, 2010

Reader, you will not have failed to notice that there is the smell of gold in the air. People all over the world are out there winning awards for being the best at what they do (or, in the case of some, not being the worst at what they do).

This has led me along the path of jealousy. For frickin’ years I’ve been doing this blog, and not a single glimmer of recognition has it ever received. So bad has this become I now cheer when I get crawled by the Googlebots on the web.

This terrible oversight has to end. And so I’ve decided to invent awards for the blog. Yes – make them up, lie, deceive. That sort of thing. You can see one over there, in the column to the right. However, I’m sure you, my fair, beautiful, sexy reader, can come up with more for me. All you have to do is to come up with an icon and a description for the award and I’ll add it to the medals wall.

Add them to the comments, or put them in the post. Or fax me. Whatever, hop to it.


lucid lynx

March 9, 2010

I took some time this weekend and installed the next version of the Linux derivative Ubuntu, known to all the world as Lucid Lynx, in a Virtual Box window on my big boy computer. The full release isn’t due until the end of April 2010, but don’t let this stop you helping yourself to the Alpha releases and trying it for size.

Whilst the setup and install was a breeze on the Virtual Box, it failed rather spectacularly on a real computer. I’ll grant that it’s a fairly underpowered beast, but it’s a pretty standard set up, and has a nice Nvidia graphics card in it to help with keeping the speed up.

The main issue might be to do with the new ‘Plymouth’ startup mode which kicks the graphics card into action as soon as possible after the pc is switched on. After all, a lot of changes will be made to the base code of Lucid before it’s official launch date and there are bound to be problems with what basically amounts to unsupported, pre-release, don’t-run-this-even-if-your-life-depends-on-it software.

I will continue to tweak, but I have a fall back plan in case I have to wait until April. This month, Linux Format comes with eight distributions suitable for low-powered pcs.  Covered are the usual suspects, Damn Small Linux and Puppy Linux, but the round-up winner was Slitaz. Time to fire up another Virtual Box…

You know, sometimes I try to remember what having a life was like. But it’s too hard to think back so far…