cambridge folk festival 2011 – line up leaked

February 28, 2011

So I have my ticket. My LONESOME SINGULAR boredofjam ticket. Yes, folks, even Wifey and BigBlueSturge are abandoning me, preferring instead to take their hideously beautiful family to somewhere that hideously beautiful families go.

Anyway, to cut a long story short (and it was tediously long before I deleted it from the post), I broke into the Cambridge Folk Festival offices and discovered the list of artists playing this year. I present it, below:

JONESY AND COMPANY. As cool and sweet as a pickled cucumber that’s been set on fire, JONESY AND COMPANY play pop music, but one of them once saw someone reading a book on hurdy gurdies, so we let them in this year. They hope to reach the charts sometime in 2015 and have been featured in passing conversation on Radcliffe and Maconie‘s show (off air, whilst a record was playing).
LOUDENKOPF. This year we welcome Germany’s award winning 11-piece traditional party folk music band to the festival. LOUDENKOPF have this year won every single prize at the Deutsche Musik Radioen Zwei Gefolken Awards.
ELIZA CARTHY. Natch.
MOSES AND THE COMMANDMENTS. Reformed after a 2 year split where each member followed their own projects (mainly on a till in Tescos), MOSES AND THE COMMANDMENTS were originally formed after five other bands spilt up so they could all shag each other with no hard feelings. No Hard Feelings disbanded the following week sighting “a burning sensation” when they “peed”. (Suspect these are musical terms? – Ed)
ALL MY FACEBOOK FRIENDS. AMFF are, this year, sponsored by the DHSS. At least it certainly seems that way. No particular emphasis on putting anything out other than their EP, “Oh god Jeremie Kylie!!!! His so cool!!!LMAO!!”. We welcome them to the club tent. Although we suspect they think it’s a tent for clubbing. Gie ’em a squeezebox and see what happens. It’ll be like a backward kitten playing Space Harrier.
DOUGLAS ADAMS’S(tm) FOLKIE’S GUIDE TO THE FESTIVAL. Specially commissioned by someone who never met the man, but had money and no shame, the FOLKIE’S GUIDE is sure to be an ironic masterpiece. Take that as you will.
SUPER-MEGA-DOOPER-GROUPO-FANTASTICO. A one-off performance from all of this year’s bands, groups, acts, singers and musicians. Please note: The audience will be seated on the stage and the band will take up the rest of the Stage 1 tent.
CAR SICK DOG. These guys first came to light in 1954 singing Bob Dylan songs in a Calypso style. These days, despite being on their 27th line-up, they still sing their traditional songs, including covers from Lady Gaga’s latest opus.
iFOLK. This year’s iFOLK is the best iFOLK ever! So easy, it just works. Please note, in order to see iFOLK, you must pay £600, sign over your right to actually hear and see it, and allow iFOLK to enter your home and remove anything from your house they don’t think you should have. No refunds. Next year’s iFOLK is the best iFOLK ever, much better than that shitty fuckin’ 2011 iFOLK, I mean who the fuck bought one of those? Losers! Get this one, it’s got much better stuff. You like better stuff, yes? That’s because you’re cool. £600 is only £600. YOU CANNOT ATTEND iFOLK IF YOU HAVE EVER LISTENED TO ANY OTHER MUSIC IN YOUR LIFE.
SIMONE AND GARTH UNKEL. The most famous folk group to ever rock up at Cambridge, SIMONE AND GARTH UNKEL had a stream of hits in the south-Lancashire folk clubs back in the 1960s. They once played near Rochdale. They have a unique take on most things, including personal hygiene. Join them, just not too close, eh?

So there you have it. A quick run down of some of the acts at this year’s Folk Festival. It’s bound to be a brilliant time. Do say “Hi” if you spot me, alone.

PS. Did I mention the “alone” thing?

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maths for this week*

June 22, 2010

Courtesy of BigBlueSturge:

Cruel budget today = Deeply discontented country
Cruel budget today + Football win tomorrow = Mildly grumbly country
Cruel budget today + Football loss tomorrow = Riots

  • Does your country embarrass you as much as ours embarrasses us? Send a comment and we’ll organise a fight in the car park behind Asdas to find out which country is the most hopeless!

*Add 20% VAT from 1st January 2011.


once more, with feeding

May 20, 2010

I would like to sing a song of food
Of food down at the Cat
Accompanied by chums and beer
And stuff and things an’ that

I want to sing a song of grub
Of grub down at the Cat
And sending Buz to get the beer
And stuff and things an’ that

There’s curry, pizza, Chy-a-neez
There’s food down at the Cat
Served together with English beer
And stuff and things an’ that


beware the virus makers

May 12, 2010

From Microsoft .NET Framework 2.0 – Application Development Foundation:

Running code with limited privileges has many benefits given the presence of predators who are foisting viruses and spyware on your users.

Predators?

ZOMG. Dude. There’s a leopard with an ASM assembler in ur filez stealin ur credit card details.


pub discussions (in a series of discussions)

December 4, 2009

Last night at the pub, BigBlueSturge asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I said an astronaut, a fireman who rescues burning kittens from trees*, and something else I can’t remember as I was drunk (but not that drunk**).

Obviously, life chucks shit at all your aspirations and here I am a lowly computer fixerer. Still, one needs to have a goal to focus on, something to attain, something that, at your funeral, people can think, “Wow, he actually did that!”***

So, readers, what do you want to do when you get sent into the world to “make it big”?

*Last night, it would seem, the worms were not in the right author. But think of those poor burning kittens!
**In case Mother is reading.
***There was further discussion along related lines, but perhaps that is for another post.


new Wii games on their way

April 16, 2008

Genghis says:
you wanna be grumpy at the pub, or grumpy in front of the Wii?
Genghis says:
what multiplayer games you got Alf?
Alf says:
Super Mario Chopstick Challenge
Genghis says:
kewl
Alf says:
Legend of Zelda: Wave A Flag A Lot Game
Sonic Pokey Pokey
Genghis says:
oooooh
Alf says:
Tomb Raider: Fall Off Stuff 7
Resident Elvis
Quantity Surveying: ATTAX
Rock Polishing 2
Night Tremors: The Phlegm Rises
Hoppin’ Mad George
Bad Day In Mental Ward 4
Chop Chop Brothers
Beat Me You Deserve It Bitch
Pro Cat/String Simulator
Drum Like A Deaf Man
Hyper Bole
Super Hyper Bole
Super Super Hyper Bole
Very Super Super Express Brilliant Hyper Bole
Match Lighting Competition 3
Ultra Point At Stuff
Buz says:
(he’ll stop soon)
Buz says:
(just be patient)
Genghis says:
don’t bet on it
Alf says:
Super F-Pencil Sharpener
Hop Hop Nigel And Bouncy Susan
Ice Cream Machine (UK Edition)
Monster Chi-Chi Doll Maker
The Insaniac
Teeth Brushing: The 3 Minute Redux
QwikFLUSH! Extra Time 2
Hammer and Nailz (DIY Express Edition)
Laser Guided Guides
Enteric Explorer
Mined Out: 2010
Neil Gaiman’s Time For Tea
Paint Drying Day: Mama’s Here
Animal Squashing
Horace Goes Cottaging
NikNok: Gotta Annoy Them All
Star Wars: Hit It Chewie!
Super All Your Eggs in One Basket
Shoot The Birds Shoot Them All
Rat Poisoner: Nighttime Edition
What’s My Time Zone?
Where On Earth Is America? 3
Captain Sensible Gets A Deskjob
Mr Bland Eats Some Porridge
Economy Mismanagement: Gordon Brown Edition
Ultra Compound Interest Bros
Steal My Money My Pin Number Is…
Zombie Cat Cat Attack
Znailz
Super Cruxifiction Simulator
My Name’s Not $Username$ : 4
Alf says:
er, that’s it. Off the top of my head. Any there take your fancy?
Genghis says:
nah, not really