new! game of thrones text adventure

March 15, 2015

WELCOME TO THE GAME OF THRONES TEXT ADVENTURE.

Do you wish to play a MAJOR or MINOR character?
> major

You are a Major player in the Game of Thrones! Your actions will be far reaching, and your decisions will affect the lives of millions.
You are dead.
Play again?
> yes

WELCOME TO THE GAME OF THRONES TEXT ADVENTURE.

Do you wish to play a MAJOR or MINOR character?
> minor

You are dead.
Play again?


we’re raising money for children in need

November 11, 2014

Please excuse some of the grammar and mis-spellings. I was in a hurry. However, I present today’s advert for our team’s cake sale in aid of UK charity Children In Need:

hamlet


it’s the most wonderful time of the year!* (*irony)

December 24, 2010

Hail chums

This year’s boredofjam ecards are here.

Enjoy ’em, yo? (it’s a PDF, be warned)


the 2009 boredofjam christmas e-cards sont arrivee…

December 21, 2009

Hello reader.

Salutations of great Christmas joy to you and yours. Get your free* e-cards here.

card 1
card 2
Update: card 3
card 4 (yet to come)

Also, don’t forget all previous years’ entries: voila, voila, voila, voila, voila, and this one cos it makes me laugh still, and I drew it.

*Yes, free.

Edit for Mme Rostance’s sake, she’d have killed me had she seen it…


bellowhead song generator

December 15, 2009

In a selfless act of writing quite a long, complicated and blindingly funny entry for the 7 Bellowhead fans who have internet access on their hurdie-gurdies, I present:

The All New 2009 10-Point Bellowhead Song Creator

Section 1: The Lyric
(Fill in all of the below)

1.  Choose a name (surname, first name combo):
2.  Are you Old or Young?:
3.  Are you happy or sad?:
4.  Pick a profession:
5.  Pick a town (preferably on the coast, or in Norfolk):
6.  Pick a mode of transport:
7.  Pick an object or person your character would desire:
8.  Walk or Run?:
9.  Pick somewhere to go:
10. The name or profession of your arch nemesis:
11. A type of beverage:
12. A fate:

Section 2: The Orchestration
(Pick 3 from here)

1.  Wah wah pedal on bazouki
2.  Orchestral hit
3.  Funky drum break
4.  Sudden tempo slow-down
5.  Apparent band chaos resolving back into tunefulness
6.  A household object/child’s toy used as an instrument
7.  Sousaphone solo
8.  Random flattened notes from horn section
9.  Harmonies
10. Violin stab

Section 3: The Theatrics
(Pick 3 from here)

1.  Everyone wears a pink tie
2.  Everyone wears an ear-ring
3.  Pointing instrument to draw attention to particular section of band
4.  Complaining there’s not enough room on stage
5.  Vertical dancing (jumping)
6.  Using an Olde Englishe-style voice
7.  Playing ‘statues’ for one bar
8.  Smoke machine
9.  Large flowers sticking out of instruments
10. Singing in a drunken manner
11. Running across the stage behind the drumkit
12. Suddenly leaving the stage

And Now:

For your Exclusive Bellowhead Song, fill in the gaps using your answers from above:

Introduction: <Orchestration option 1>

Oh I am <young/old> <name>
A <happy/sad> <profession> am I
And in my life as a <profession>
I find a little <beverage> goes down well of a day!
A little <beverage> goes down well!

But wait! Here comes my one desire
The thing I desirest most
A pretty little <object of desire>
The prettiest thing from here to the Northern coast

<Orchestration option 2> whilst <Theatrics option 1>

Oh come with me, oh pretty <object of desire>
And together we will be
Away on a <mode of transport> we will go
From here to <somewhere to go> we will go, you and me

And so my <object of desire> set forth and <walked/ran> away
And off we went to <somewhere to go> a life we planned to make
When suddenly upon us came <nemesis>, a swarthy sort of cove
And charmed by lovely <object of desire>, an axe between us drove

<Orchestration option 3>

I went a took a drink of <beverage>
And then I took some more
My <object of desire> was gone
So I took drinks three and four
But then I thought quite long and hard
’bout <nemesis>‘s evil tricks
And so called out to the barman
And had drinks five and six!

<Theatrics option 2> <Orchestration option 1>

Ashamed am I at drinks seven and eight
I worked out <nemesis>‘s terrible fate
Would I kill and stab and murder?
Hang him high from up above?
Make him walk the plank?
Drown in a tank? All for my true love.

<Theatrics option 3>

But no my dear old friends, my plan was simple
All I’d do is <fate> my nemesis til he was dead
and show them that
<young/old> <name> should not be messed with
And they’d die with jus in bello in their head.

<Theatrics 1, 2 and 3 all at the same time> <One random Orchestration from the list>


lines from the new poet laureate

May 12, 2009

I’ve been given a new job
usually it belongs to one of those un-women with a nob
just like everything else they
ejaculate their bitter wars across their oppressive world
a depressive world, no longer an impressive world

Given a new job by Lizzie Regina
Used to know a girl nicknamed Lizzie Vagina
She was in luff with
The muff did
All the girls at Uni
Except, guessed it, me

Given a new job
Will write when I like
signed: Carol Ann Duffy (determined poet dyke)


swine flu (to the tune of “sex bomb” by mousse t and tom jones

May 1, 2009

Swine flu, swine flu
I’ve got swine flu
Got some H1N1
And I don’t know what to do
Swine flu, swine flu
I’ve got swine flu
Gonna cough and splutter
Gonna pass it on to you

(etc)

Further to this, there are now reports of further sicknesses about to hit the world:
Fly flu
Flea flu
Trains Syndrome (Choo-choo flu)
Potato disease (Tuber-culosis)
Teacher flu (aka the Academic Pandemic)
Jetlag (flew flu)


lines on the retrirement of andrew motion by andrew motion

May 1, 2009

I went to a restaurant
My Italian friend Romeo
In tow

Being related to the Queen
(More or less –
I’ve written her 8 poems
they were published in The Times,
you’ll have seen)

I don’t carry cash
Nor a credit card
Nor a calculator with a muliply function
Nor those lifesavers, the Voucher of Luncheon

So we sat and we filled
Our bellies, friend and I

Starters: Garlic bread
Mains: Some sort of fish (no chips)
Afters: Lemon meringue pie

And friend annouced that he would pay
My poor poetry-wage being all cheap, sweet sherry
He stood and patted down his jacket
His manly bag
His trouser pocket

“Oh woe,” cried he
“I have no moolah
“No quids, no pence, and even crueller
“My wallet has gone
“No cards have I
“Not a Visa, nor a Diners, nor a ‘Carte Barclay’ ”

“We’re in trouble, old chum there’s no escape
“It’s the washing up for us
“You rinse, I’ll scrape.”

Then coming here from over yonder
Our table’s waiter soon did wander
To our table, tip expectant
Invoice printed, free mint fondant

“Ah bonne afternoon, monsieurs, eet iz a lovely day”
Said the unconvincing Frog, accent more
Lambeth Way
than Champs Elysees
“Ow would vous aimez to pay?”

I asked,
“Do you have an offer on?
“Where two can eat for the price of one?”
And continued on
As our waiter eyed me
“Or even where two can eat for free?”

Accent dropped, and friendship, too:
“What?”
I went for the ultimate, “Do you know who I am?”
“Oui, monsieur, indeed I do.”

“But we’re out of cash, no card, no cheque”
With a Gallic shrug
And with some regret
We found that Romeoed
What Laureate.


pubthursday’s pubquestion of the pubweek

February 12, 2009

Q. If it takes an infinite number of monkeys to come up with Shakespeare, is there a sliding scale of monkey quantity to get other author’s works? For example, 5 monkeys should be just about OK for most of Michael Crichton’s stuff.

Discuss, using diagrams if necessary to clarify your opinions.


further exclusive christmas e-card goodness

December 18, 2008

Instead of going out and doing Christmas shopping this evening, I stayed in and did this third exclusive card. For you. Just you.

Friends, relatives: You have no presents this year.

Card 3

The final design will be with you quick-sharp.