new! game of thrones text adventure

WELCOME TO THE GAME OF THRONES TEXT ADVENTURE.

Do you wish to play a MAJOR or MINOR character?
> major

You are a Major player in the Game of Thrones! Your actions will be far reaching, and your decisions will affect the lives of millions.
You are dead.
Play again?
> yes

WELCOME TO THE GAME OF THRONES TEXT ADVENTURE.

Do you wish to play a MAJOR or MINOR character?
> minor

You are dead.
Play again?

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we’re raising money for children in need

Please excuse some of the grammar and mis-spellings. I was in a hurry. However, I present today’s advert for our team’s cake sale in aid of UK charity Children In Need:

it’s the most wonderful time of the year!* (*irony)

Hail chums

This year’s boredofjam ecards are here.

Enjoy ’em, yo? (it’s a PDF, be warned)

the 2009 boredofjam christmas e-cards sont arrivee…

Hello reader.

Salutations of great Christmas joy to you and yours. Get your free* e-cards here.

card 1
card 2
Update: card 3
card 4 (yet to come)

Also, don’t forget all previous years’ entries: voila, voila, voila, voila, voila, and this one cos it makes me laugh still, and I drew it.

*Yes, free.

Edit for Mme Rostance’s sake, she’d have killed me had she seen it…

bellowhead song generator

In a selfless act of writing quite a long, complicated and blindingly funny entry for the 7 Bellowhead fans who have internet access on their hurdie-gurdies, I present:

The All New 2009 10-Point Bellowhead Song Creator

Section 1: The Lyric
(Fill in all of the below)

1.  Choose a name (surname, first name combo):
2.  Are you Old or Young?:
3.  Are you happy or sad?:
4.  Pick a profession:
5.  Pick a town (preferably on the coast, or in Norfolk):
6.  Pick a mode of transport:
7.  Pick an object or person your character would desire:
8.  Walk or Run?:
9.  Pick somewhere to go:
10. The name or profession of your arch nemesis:
11. A type of beverage:
12. A fate:

Section 2: The Orchestration
(Pick 3 from here)

1.  Wah wah pedal on bazouki
2.  Orchestral hit
3.  Funky drum break
4.  Sudden tempo slow-down
5.  Apparent band chaos resolving back into tunefulness
6.  A household object/child’s toy used as an instrument
7.  Sousaphone solo
8.  Random flattened notes from horn section
9.  Harmonies
10. Violin stab

Section 3: The Theatrics
(Pick 3 from here)

1.  Everyone wears a pink tie
2.  Everyone wears an ear-ring
3.  Pointing instrument to draw attention to particular section of band
4.  Complaining there’s not enough room on stage
5.  Vertical dancing (jumping)
6.  Using an Olde Englishe-style voice
7.  Playing ‘statues’ for one bar
8.  Smoke machine
9.  Large flowers sticking out of instruments
10. Singing in a drunken manner
11. Running across the stage behind the drumkit
12. Suddenly leaving the stage

And Now:

For your Exclusive Bellowhead Song, fill in the gaps using your answers from above:

Introduction: <Orchestration option 1>

Oh I am <young/old> <name>
A <happy/sad> <profession> am I
And in my life as a <profession>
I find a little <beverage> goes down well of a day!
A little <beverage> goes down well!

But wait! Here comes my one desire
The thing I desirest most
A pretty little <object of desire>
The prettiest thing from here to the Northern coast

<Orchestration option 2> whilst <Theatrics option 1>

Oh come with me, oh pretty <object of desire>
And together we will be
Away on a <mode of transport> we will go
From here to <somewhere to go> we will go, you and me

And so my <object of desire> set forth and <walked/ran> away
And off we went to <somewhere to go> a life we planned to make
When suddenly upon us came <nemesis>, a swarthy sort of cove
And charmed by lovely <object of desire>, an axe between us drove

<Orchestration option 3>

I went a took a drink of <beverage>
And then I took some more
My <object of desire> was gone
So I took drinks three and four
But then I thought quite long and hard
’bout <nemesis>‘s evil tricks
And so called out to the barman
And had drinks five and six!

<Theatrics option 2> <Orchestration option 1>

Ashamed am I at drinks seven and eight
I worked out <nemesis>‘s terrible fate
Would I kill and stab and murder?
Hang him high from up above?
Make him walk the plank?
Drown in a tank? All for my true love.

<Theatrics option 3>

But no my dear old friends, my plan was simple
All I’d do is <fate> my nemesis til he was dead
and show them that
<young/old> <name> should not be messed with
And they’d die with jus in bello in their head.

<Theatrics 1, 2 and 3 all at the same time> <One random Orchestration from the list>

lines from the new poet laureate

I’ve been given a new job
usually it belongs to one of those un-women with a nob
just like everything else they
ejaculate their bitter wars across their oppressive world
a depressive world, no longer an impressive world

Given a new job by Lizzie Regina
Used to know a girl nicknamed Lizzie Vagina
She was in luff with
The muff did
All the girls at Uni
Except, guessed it, me

Given a new job
Will write when I like
signed: Carol Ann Duffy (determined poet dyke)

swine flu (to the tune of “sex bomb” by mousse t and tom jones

Swine flu, swine flu
I’ve got swine flu
Got some H1N1
And I don’t know what to do
Swine flu, swine flu
I’ve got swine flu
Gonna cough and splutter
Gonna pass it on to you

(etc)

Further to this, there are now reports of further sicknesses about to hit the world:
Fly flu
Flea flu
Trains Syndrome (Choo-choo flu)
Potato disease (Tuber-culosis)
Teacher flu (aka the Academic Pandemic)
Jetlag (flew flu)