In a selfless act of writing quite a long, complicated and blindingly funny entry for the 7 Bellowhead fans who have internet access on their hurdie-gurdies, I present:
The All New 2009 10-Point Bellowhead Song Creator
Section 1: The Lyric
(Fill in all of the below)
1. Choose a name (surname, first name combo):
2. Are you Old or Young?:
3. Are you happy or sad?:
4. Pick a profession:
5. Pick a town (preferably on the coast, or in Norfolk):
6. Pick a mode of transport:
7. Pick an object or person your character would desire:
8. Walk or Run?:
9. Pick somewhere to go:
10. The name or profession of your arch nemesis:
11. A type of beverage:
12. A fate:
Section 2: The Orchestration
(Pick 3 from here)
1. Wah wah pedal on bazouki
2. Orchestral hit
3. Funky drum break
4. Sudden tempo slow-down
5. Apparent band chaos resolving back into tunefulness
6. A household object/child’s toy used as an instrument
7. Sousaphone solo
8. Random flattened notes from horn section
9. Harmonies
10. Violin stab
Section 3: The Theatrics
(Pick 3 from here)
1. Everyone wears a pink tie
2. Everyone wears an ear-ring
3. Pointing instrument to draw attention to particular section of band
4. Complaining there’s not enough room on stage
5. Vertical dancing (jumping)
6. Using an Olde Englishe-style voice
7. Playing ‘statues’ for one bar
8. Smoke machine
9. Large flowers sticking out of instruments
10. Singing in a drunken manner
11. Running across the stage behind the drumkit
12. Suddenly leaving the stage
And Now:
For your Exclusive Bellowhead Song, fill in the gaps using your answers from above:
Introduction: <Orchestration option 1>
Oh I am <young/old> <name>
A <happy/sad> <profession> am I
And in my life as a <profession>
I find a little <beverage> goes down well of a day!
A little <beverage> goes down well!
But wait! Here comes my one desire
The thing I desirest most
A pretty little <object of desire>
The prettiest thing from here to the Northern coast
<Orchestration option 2> whilst <Theatrics option 1>
Oh come with me, oh pretty <object of desire>
And together we will be
Away on a <mode of transport> we will go
From here to <somewhere to go> we will go, you and me
And so my <object of desire> set forth and <walked/ran> away
And off we went to <somewhere to go> a life we planned to make
When suddenly upon us came <nemesis>, a swarthy sort of cove
And charmed by lovely <object of desire>, an axe between us drove
<Orchestration option 3>
I went a took a drink of <beverage>
And then I took some more
My <object of desire> was gone
So I took drinks three and four
But then I thought quite long and hard
’bout <nemesis>‘s evil tricks
And so called out to the barman
And had drinks five and six!
<Theatrics option 2> <Orchestration option 1>
Ashamed am I at drinks seven and eight
I worked out <nemesis>‘s terrible fate
Would I kill and stab and murder?
Hang him high from up above?
Make him walk the plank?
Drown in a tank? All for my true love.
<Theatrics option 3>
But no my dear old friends, my plan was simple
All I’d do is <fate> my nemesis til he was dead
and show them that
<young/old> <name> should not be messed with
And they’d die with jus in bello in their head.
<Theatrics 1, 2 and 3 all at the same time> <One random Orchestration from the list>
lines from the new poet laureate
May 12, 2009I’ve been given a new job
usually it belongs to one of those un-women with a nob
just like everything else they
ejaculate their bitter wars across their oppressive world
a depressive world, no longer an impressive world
Given a new job by Lizzie Regina
Used to know a girl nicknamed Lizzie Vagina
She was in luff with
The muff did
All the girls at Uni
Except, guessed it, me
Given a new job
Will write when I like
signed: Carol Ann Duffy (determined poet dyke)