lines on the retrirement of andrew motion by andrew motion

May 1, 2009

I went to a restaurant
My Italian friend Romeo
In tow

Being related to the Queen
(More or less –
I’ve written her 8 poems
they were published in The Times,
you’ll have seen)

I don’t carry cash
Nor a credit card
Nor a calculator with a muliply function
Nor those lifesavers, the Voucher of Luncheon

So we sat and we filled
Our bellies, friend and I

Starters: Garlic bread
Mains: Some sort of fish (no chips)
Afters: Lemon meringue pie

And friend annouced that he would pay
My poor poetry-wage being all cheap, sweet sherry
He stood and patted down his jacket
His manly bag
His trouser pocket

“Oh woe,” cried he
“I have no moolah
“No quids, no pence, and even crueller
“My wallet has gone
“No cards have I
“Not a Visa, nor a Diners, nor a ‘Carte Barclay’ ”

“We’re in trouble, old chum there’s no escape
“It’s the washing up for us
“You rinse, I’ll scrape.”

Then coming here from over yonder
Our table’s waiter soon did wander
To our table, tip expectant
Invoice printed, free mint fondant

“Ah bonne afternoon, monsieurs, eet iz a lovely day”
Said the unconvincing Frog, accent more
Lambeth Way
than Champs Elysees
“Ow would vous aimez to pay?”

I asked,
“Do you have an offer on?
“Where two can eat for the price of one?”
And continued on
As our waiter eyed me
“Or even where two can eat for free?”

Accent dropped, and friendship, too:
“What?”
I went for the ultimate, “Do you know who I am?”
“Oui, monsieur, indeed I do.”

“But we’re out of cash, no card, no cheque”
With a Gallic shrug
And with some regret
We found that Romeoed
What Laureate.

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pubthursday’s pubquestion of the pubweek

February 12, 2009

Q. If it takes an infinite number of monkeys to come up with Shakespeare, is there a sliding scale of monkey quantity to get other author’s works? For example, 5 monkeys should be just about OK for most of Michael Crichton’s stuff.

Discuss, using diagrams if necessary to clarify your opinions.


further exclusive christmas e-card goodness

December 18, 2008

Instead of going out and doing Christmas shopping this evening, I stayed in and did this third exclusive card. For you. Just you.

Friends, relatives: You have no presents this year.

Card 3

The final design will be with you quick-sharp.


exclusive boredofjam christmas cards for 2008

December 17, 2008

As usual, I’m too much of a lazy tosspot to send out Christmas cards to the majority of my friends, acquaintances, family, etc etc.

Here are two exclusive designs for you for this year. I’ll do another two in the next few days*.

Download and print ’em out, they’re exclusively for you.

Happy Christmas Readers!

Card 1
Card 2

*This is not a promise. Or a fact. This is a vague possibility.


from the phone of the poet laureate

December 17, 2008

Andrew Motion, the Poet Laureate is always keen to exploit new technologies and new media. This mornng, whilst on the train to London, he wrote a four-part epic on his mobile phone using the T9 entry system.

The Train, part 1

Send me to hell on
a National Express train
Down to London
And then back home
On one again

The Train, part 2

Sat next to a man with a cold
And no tissues
Or manners
So he sneezes over me
Spreading germs liberally
Wiping his nose
On his hand
And his Blackberry

Come, Shenfield and silver my day
Come, Liverpool Street, you City of Gold
Steal me away from this man
And his liquid nose-cold

The Train, part 3

Welcome to Gidea Park
Says the sign
But like the cheap suits in Coach G
It lies

The Train, part 4

Stratford
With your sporting pretence
Just a muddy building site
Olympic-ringed by an electric fence

And now the terminal station
Nearly in view
Round next corner
200 yards
45 minutes left to go
Go slow
No go


so as not to disappoint: political comment/satire for today

November 5, 2008

*sighs at inevitability of pun*

Can we now claim that the unemployed, turkey-necked, warmongering, soccer-mom obsessive, can’t-stand-straight-cos-one-foot’s-in-the-grave old fella, John McCain, age 72, suffers from electile dysfunction?


new dr who rumour

October 21, 2008

Hot internets rumour of the day has it that all 10 Doctors will be back in Series 6 to play The Doctor. Each Doc will deliver one line in ten.

In this exclusive extract from Dave Moffat’s (Are you sure? – Ed) first script, we can see how all the classic characters work together:

#1: Susan! Come here girl!
#2: Look out! A Yeti!
#3: Hmm… perhaps I should go and see the Brigadier! To Bessie!
#4: Jelly baby?
#5: Ah, Tegan. Seen Adric?
#6: Who else were you expecting?
#7: Ken Dod?
#8: Just passing!
#9: Run!
#10: what? What? WHAT?

Omnes: DAVROS!

Exeunt, pursued by a Dalek.