XBOX Exclusive

August 12, 2014
  • Lara Croft and the bit where she runs slowly away from a Tiger
  • Lara Croft and the bit where she walks through a 3D bush
  • Lara Croft and the bit where she walks through walls
  • Lara Croft and the Small Rock She Can’t Jump Over
  • Lara Croft and the Frame Rate Drop When There’s A Bad Guy Just Off Screen
  • Lara Croft and the shooting bad guys whilst running away from them, even though the gamer isn’t aiming at them
  • Lara Croft and the Stupid Control Method where It Looks Like You’re Reaching & Jumping For A Ledge 500ft Up But Really We’ll Just Let Her Fall To Her Death
  • Lara Croft and the nearly kills herself deviating from the main course because she can see something shiny up on a ledge, but after 30 mins battling with clunky controls, it’s just a small feckin’ medipack or a worthless medallion to unlock a stupid outfit.
  • Lara Croft and the Am I Controlling Her In This Bit Or Is It A Bit Where They Try And Explain The Story?

minutes from the synod

November 9, 2012

Hello everybody and welcome to the Synod.

I’d like to introduce our new Archbishop who is joining us on a six month rolling contract.

Justin is here to help us transition from The Church of England to our new brand, British Jesus. Our slogan has just been approved, and I’m pleased to unveil it as “Knocking Nails Into The Wrists Of Society”.


ubuntu natty narwhal 11.04

March 7, 2011

Just installed the Alpha 3 version of the next generation of Canonical’s wonder OS.

And all I can say is they’ve got a bloody long way to go before I’ll let it near my computer.

What’s with the theme being ignored? Why does Gnome look like it did in Red Hat back in 2000? And the nasty glitchy shit on the dialogs and menus each time they’re opened? It’s like someone’s de-tuned a television. Still, at least it installed – on the second time of asking.

And the universal App Menu? Ahahahaha, do fuck off. I thought we’d seen the last of FULL SCREEN APPS after Windows 3 was launched.


dear edf

March 7, 2011

Fuck you and your fixed daily charge. WHAT THE FUCK?!

Fuck you and your letter that arrived today, (I paraphrase) “from March 2 we will be putting the prices up ahahahaha”. It’s MARCH THE FUCKING SEVENTH YOU CUNTS.

Fuck you and your “the price of buying electricity and gas has been going up”. No it hasn’t.

Oh. And did I mention… Fuck you.


the internet – still spazzy

March 3, 2011

Friday’s coming, folks, and that can mean only one thing. A trip to London Town to Tallulah Rendall‘s album launch.

For this, I required a number of things:

  1. A ticket for the event (done)
  2. Somewhere to kip (done)
  3. A ticket for the train (done)
  4. Trendy album-launch-style duds  (done. I shall be attending in my best polyester slacks, acrylic shirt and clogs).

My experience purchasing a ticket for the train gave me pause for thought last night. I chose my trains and selected the Buy Now button, at which point I was instructed to set up an account.

Here are some FACTS for you, National Express East Anglia:

Fact 1 – You can’t effficiently/correctly/properly run a train service which involves the simple forward propulsion of a vehicle invented in 1829 down two parallel tracks.

Fact 2 – There are naughty hackers out there who would very much like to have my personal details from anywhere they can get them.

Considering FACT 1 and FACT 2, why would I trust my personal address and personal credit card details to your website? Why do I need to create an account on your website to purchase a ticket? What’s wrong with a “I don’t want to set up an account, here are my details, let’s checkout now” button.

I do not want to have to supply you with my title, first name, surname, telephone number, email address, email address again, password, password again, postcode-and-then-click-on-the-appropriate-address-for-the-postcode-in-this-annoying-pop-up-window (all the houses in my street have the same frickin’ postcode). And if I don’t want to have to do that, why in God’s name would I want to tick a box to tell you and your “approved third parties” not to spam my email account? Oh, and don’t play that “You didn’t fill in a field quite right” game and untick the Do Not Spam Me box, just in case I don’t notice what you’ve done. If you do this, you are not a business with which I wish to be associated. With.

By the way, who approved these third parties? Because I know that I didn’t. Could you send me the list and I’ll decide whether they should be approved or not? I suspect I am more choosy than your marketing gurus:

Guru 1: Like, they get on a train, so they must want to hear from Reader’s Digest!
Guru 2: And Kay’s catalogue!
Guru 1: And they must need a new phone contract!
Guru 2: And a new laptop!
Guru 1: And those fake scratch cards!
Guru 2: And information about coach journeys!
Guru 1: And conservatories!
Guru 2: And comfortable polyester slacks!
Alf boredofjam: Wait! Fuck it, I’m signing up.

But seriously, all I’m asking is that you let me buy my tickets, simply and easily, preferably without the hassle of account creation. I bought the cheapest tickets I could get hold of, I am not going to be a big revenue earner for you. Take my details for this transaction, verify my card, sell me my tickets and then ditch my information.

Please, internet people, let me live my life simply. If I’m making a one-off, quick purchase, then that is what it should be: Quick. I don’t have the time or the patience to be told that “Username boredofjam is taken, how about wkerjndvn_22 instead?”

I. Just. Want. My. Stuff.

Now excuse me whilst I go lay down somewhere dark and have a good cry. But first I’d better buy some tissues. Now where’re my Tescos log in details?


microsoft prove they just don’t get it

July 22, 2010

Word 2007 and its very own layout fail.


maths for this week*

June 22, 2010

Courtesy of BigBlueSturge:

Cruel budget today = Deeply discontented country
Cruel budget today + Football win tomorrow = Mildly grumbly country
Cruel budget today + Football loss tomorrow = Riots

  • Does your country embarrass you as much as ours embarrasses us? Send a comment and we’ll organise a fight in the car park behind Asdas to find out which country is the most hopeless!

*Add 20% VAT from 1st January 2011.


mccartney will be spinning in his grave

June 21, 2010

Further to my Twitter feed, I completed a song, entitled:

Intranet Writer
(Lenin and McCarthorse)

Dear Sir or Madam, I’ve erased my site
I need it back, It took me hours to write,
If the boss finds out, I’ll be out of here
And I need a job, and I want to be an intranet writer.

Although all talent’s absent, I have found a niche
Writing crappy copy, which I self-publish
But I clicked a button, now the whole lot’s gone
It’s an easy job, and I want to stay an intranet writer

Intranet writer (Intranet writer)

I get one hundred hits, and some days even more
From my friends in sales on the second floor
And I’ve told them when they should refresh the page
It’s a lovely life, when you’re falsifying intranet hit rates

All my writing’s stolen from a press release
Which I’ve hacked about just how I please
And my spelling’s wrong, and my grammar too
I’ve an easy job, cos I’m the only one with editor access

Intranet writer (Intranet writer)


local politics for local people

April 29, 2010

The Guardian (dear god, them again) have a really good 11 minutes on the Tory/Lib-Dem coalition in Ipswich.

It’s worth a watch, here.

And don’t forget, if you really can’t stand it any more, Vote Badger!


classic wankery

April 28, 2010

Greetings.

Have this link. It made me chuckle thanks to its expert demonstration of a professional wanker demonstrating classic wankery.

Starting off by comparing some in-ear headphones to floor-standing speakers as a way of justifying this hand moistening, self indulgent pocket shuffling, is pure grade-A wank in a gold bucket.

I have a feeling that Steve Guttenberg, whilst not not-starring in Police Academy films is the sort of fella who will spunk out on $1500 HDMI cables. Literally.

But, whatever floats your boat. Enjoy listening to them badly encoded MP3s, y’all.