cat-pricorn one

August 17, 2014

It's a cat-astrophe. Oh yes, I went there.

Here’s Sparecat enjoying one of his favourite 1970s conspiracy theory films, Capricorn One. Next stop, The China Syndrome.

watching movies

March 9, 2011

Can someone please advise why, partway through the A Team movie, after they’ve set up that the team are in Frankfurt, there is a random 2-second shot of Cologne Cathedral and the Hauptbahnhof from the air?

films are circular

February 28, 2011

Well, DVDs are, aren’t they? See what happened to me, totally by chance, this last weekend:

1. Watch Hollywoodland (Adrien Brody, Ben Affleck)
2. Watch Lonesome Jim (Casey Affleck, Mary Kay Place)
3. Watch City of Ember (Mary Kay Place, Bill Murray)
4. Watch The Darjeeling Limited (Bill Murray, Adrien Brody)
5. Sudden realisation that I shouldn’t watch The Brothers Bloom (Adrien Brody).

Afterwards I got very drunk.

why 3d tv will fail, annotated guide below:

January 11, 2010

1. You look like a twat wearing those stupid fucking 3D glasses.


January 7, 2010

You like looking at pictures, don’t you?

Picture one, full frontal.
Picture two, rear entry points.

Now, how about you team that honey up with this beauty:

Picture one, titties.
Picture two, arse.

Sexy details here in this obviously-only-geeks-read-this-stuff PDF (warning: PDF). I mean!  As if we’ll fall for the old two-girls-hugging-on-a-sofa ruse? Maybe they’ll snog and undress and love each other in a way that only two women together can…

So, my order’s in.

i need to call my guru –

December 31, 2009

I forgot my new mantra.


December 23, 2009

Right, Mr Director man, David Cameron, whatever your name is, explain this:

On a world which appears to be mainly GREEN, why are the main inhabitants MASSIVELY TALL AND OBVIOUSLY BRIGHT BLUE?

Survival of the fittest ring any bells, shit-for-brains?

watching the watchmen

July 22, 2009

I’ve just had to take a break from watching “Watchmen”.

I’m 11 minutes in and I had to comment on the utterly shit make-up job on the guy who plays Nixon.

Here’s a hint: if you have to cover a guy in prosthetics and he still doesn’t look like the famous person you’re trying to portray, recast.

Heh, fuckwits. Try watching Frost/Nixon for a clue, mmkay? Mmkay?

Mmkay. On with the film.

thoughts on transformers

June 24, 2009

Before we get started, I should mention that I’ve not seen the new Transformers film. It is the way of quality critique-ing to not go see what you’re slagging off. I’m waiting for Buz to come along with me. Maybe next week, as I am not busy at the moment.

I thought the first Transformers film was suckier than a packet of lozenges. A confused and frantic mess, much like a Saturday in Primark, but with fewer 16 year olds wearing crop-tops and thongs pulled up above their jeans waistband.

I had no idea which were the “bad” robots and which were the “good” ones in the fight scenes, only to be told later that the “bad” robots weren’t the ones all painted in pretty colours. Hell, I must be getting old.

Indy le Beefs was about as interesting as speedway, and there was the standard and expected Michael Bay scene of some aircraft carriers. Which I believe is also in the new one.

So, if Buzza wants to go see the sequel – and they’re already talking about a third outing – we can. But I’d rather sit at home and hope for a Citroen advert.

Oh and just in case you think the world hasn’t gone mad – the new film has a robot in it with huge testicles. As you would. In a kid’s film.

star trek 11: kirk hangs off stuff

May 14, 2009

Hands up, you caught me, I like sci-fi. I grew up enjoying the Original Trek movies. I liked Next Generation Trek, and I enjoyed the first few serieses of Deep Space 9.

Most importantly – most importantly – I like Shatner. Oh, I also like Nimoy and Kelley and Nichols and, er, Sulu and Chekov and Scotty (just not to the same extent). And the other ones (if there are any other ones, I don’t pay a lot of attention to what goes on on the screen): There are spaceships (pew-pew)! There are men with laserguns (pew-pew)! There are two of the Trumpton firemen (Pugh-Pugh)!  All good.


So I rather went into the new Star Trek movie wanting desperately to hate Chris Pine and his take on Kirk. He isn’t Shatner, and nor does he try to be (to his credit). He kinda gets Kirk. For about 8 minutes throughout the entire film. Right at the beginning and in the scene with the Kobyashi Maru, which is a lovely homage to The Wrath of Khan. After that he reverts to pretty boy in a big-budget movie, but not to such an extent as that kid in Transformers/Indiana Jones 4.

I thought that the movie was great. A lot of the reviewers in the press are also saying this. The Onion did something amusing on a web video about it last week. I spit on The Onion and call them simple Iowa farmboys (get me with the reference, eh?). But they’re  the ones with the big famous website, and this is just my blog. And you, my dear friend, are my only reader.

Bless you (pew-pew).

Now, they’ve restarted, rebooted and reimagined the franchise. This could go two ways: towards Planet of the Apes (the best irony of that particular heresy is the removal of the “You Blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!” line), or in the direction of The Dark Knight. I’ll not mention Batman Begins, as it was a shockingly awful waste of celluloid.

And so to “Star Trek: See Kirk Dangling Into Pits, Crevasses and Multitudinous Deep Holes”.  No kidding, we start the film off with young Jim dangling from the edge of a cliff and it goes from there. Four or five times, I lost count. I have a nasty feeling that it’s a metaphor for something, but I can’t be arsed to look for it beyond an exasperated cry of “Dear god, stop doing that, we get it, you’re alluding to something. And we don’t care.”

There are two quite outstanding performances:

  1. Karl Urban as Bones. My god, Jim, he’s got it right on the nail. Having seen him in “Doom”, where he couldn’t have acted his way beyond the “Exit” sign above the cinema door, this was some kind of freaky casting. But it works. The scenes that he and Pine share are some of the best, and Bones gets all the good lines.
  2. Sylar as Spock. Although he just comes across just on the wrong side of being a wee bit effete.
  3. Uhura in her pants.

Then there’s the part in the film where the entire cast turn to the camera and say something along the lines of: “For Our American Audience And To Make Sure We Get A Sequel, Let Us Explain That We’re Now In A Totally Different Timeline To The One That Would Have Been,” exposition, exposition, the story comes to grinding halt the music stops, everyone looks at each other, nods, takes a breath and we’re off again.

I was looking forward to seeing Simon Pegg as Scotty. I’m afraid, though, he is rubbish. And appears to believe that SHOUTING is the best way to be Scottish. Simon, Si Pegg, Si Pe: No. No darling. It’s not big and you’re not Brian Blessed. Stop it. And while you’re about it, get rid of the sidekick.

Nero, the villain of the piece, is less threatening than Evil Edna off Willo The Wisp. Maybe that’s down to Bana, the world’s most bland actor.

The guy they got for Sarek looks funny and Chekov sounds like Austin Powers. Replace whoever he is immediately.

The effects are lovely, except when they used little CGI men in one scene, they still suffer from looking like they’ve been generated by a PS2.

Oh and the Cloverfield monster appears, as does that other JJ Abrams staple, Slusho.

The film is over 2 hours long, and is very silly, but it just whips through. Go see.

Oh, and look out for the other Wrath of Khan nod between Spock and Nero.