watching the watchmen

July 22, 2009

I’ve just had to take a break from watching “Watchmen”.

I’m 11 minutes in and I had to comment on the utterly shit make-up job on the guy who plays Nixon.

Here’s a hint: if you have to cover a guy in prosthetics and he still doesn’t look like the famous person you’re trying to portray, recast.

Heh, fuckwits. Try watching Frost/Nixon for a clue, mmkay? Mmkay?

Mmkay. On with the film.

thoughts on transformers

June 24, 2009

Before we get started, I should mention that I’ve not seen the new Transformers film. It is the way of quality critique-ing to not go see what you’re slagging off. I’m waiting for Buz to come along with me. Maybe next week, as I am not busy at the moment.

I thought the first Transformers film was suckier than a packet of lozenges. A confused and frantic mess, much like a Saturday in Primark, but with fewer 16 year olds wearing crop-tops and thongs pulled up above their jeans waistband.

I had no idea which were the “bad” robots and which were the “good” ones in the fight scenes, only to be told later that the “bad” robots weren’t the ones all painted in pretty colours. Hell, I must be getting old.

Indy le Beefs was about as interesting as speedway, and there was the standard and expected Michael Bay scene of some aircraft carriers. Which I believe is also in the new one.

So, if Buzza wants to go see the sequel – and they’re already talking about a third outing – we can. But I’d rather sit at home and hope for a Citroen advert.

Oh and just in case you think the world hasn’t gone mad – the new film has a robot in it with huge testicles. As you would. In a kid’s film.

star trek 11: kirk hangs off stuff

May 14, 2009

Hands up, you caught me, I like sci-fi. I grew up enjoying the Original Trek movies. I liked Next Generation Trek, and I enjoyed the first few serieses of Deep Space 9.

Most importantly – most importantly – I like Shatner. Oh, I also like Nimoy and Kelley and Nichols and, er, Sulu and Chekov and Scotty (just not to the same extent). And the other ones (if there are any other ones, I don’t pay a lot of attention to what goes on on the screen): There are spaceships (pew-pew)! There are men with laserguns (pew-pew)! There are two of the Trumpton firemen (Pugh-Pugh)!  All good.


So I rather went into the new Star Trek movie wanting desperately to hate Chris Pine and his take on Kirk. He isn’t Shatner, and nor does he try to be (to his credit). He kinda gets Kirk. For about 8 minutes throughout the entire film. Right at the beginning and in the scene with the Kobyashi Maru, which is a lovely homage to The Wrath of Khan. After that he reverts to pretty boy in a big-budget movie, but not to such an extent as that kid in Transformers/Indiana Jones 4.

I thought that the movie was great. A lot of the reviewers in the press are also saying this. The Onion did something amusing on a web video about it last week. I spit on The Onion and call them simple Iowa farmboys (get me with the reference, eh?). But they’re  the ones with the big famous website, and this is just my blog. And you, my dear friend, are my only reader.

Bless you (pew-pew).

Now, they’ve restarted, rebooted and reimagined the franchise. This could go two ways: towards Planet of the Apes (the best irony of that particular heresy is the removal of the “You Blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!” line), or in the direction of The Dark Knight. I’ll not mention Batman Begins, as it was a shockingly awful waste of celluloid.

And so to “Star Trek: See Kirk Dangling Into Pits, Crevasses and Multitudinous Deep Holes”.  No kidding, we start the film off with young Jim dangling from the edge of a cliff and it goes from there. Four or five times, I lost count. I have a nasty feeling that it’s a metaphor for something, but I can’t be arsed to look for it beyond an exasperated cry of “Dear god, stop doing that, we get it, you’re alluding to something. And we don’t care.”

There are two quite outstanding performances:

  1. Karl Urban as Bones. My god, Jim, he’s got it right on the nail. Having seen him in “Doom”, where he couldn’t have acted his way beyond the “Exit” sign above the cinema door, this was some kind of freaky casting. But it works. The scenes that he and Pine share are some of the best, and Bones gets all the good lines.
  2. Sylar as Spock. Although he just comes across just on the wrong side of being a wee bit effete.
  3. Uhura in her pants.

Then there’s the part in the film where the entire cast turn to the camera and say something along the lines of: “For Our American Audience And To Make Sure We Get A Sequel, Let Us Explain That We’re Now In A Totally Different Timeline To The One That Would Have Been,” exposition, exposition, the story comes to grinding halt the music stops, everyone looks at each other, nods, takes a breath and we’re off again.

I was looking forward to seeing Simon Pegg as Scotty. I’m afraid, though, he is rubbish. And appears to believe that SHOUTING is the best way to be Scottish. Simon, Si Pegg, Si Pe: No. No darling. It’s not big and you’re not Brian Blessed. Stop it. And while you’re about it, get rid of the sidekick.

Nero, the villain of the piece, is less threatening than Evil Edna off Willo The Wisp. Maybe that’s down to Bana, the world’s most bland actor.

The guy they got for Sarek looks funny and Chekov sounds like Austin Powers. Replace whoever he is immediately.

The effects are lovely, except when they used little CGI men in one scene, they still suffer from looking like they’ve been generated by a PS2.

Oh and the Cloverfield monster appears, as does that other JJ Abrams staple, Slusho.

The film is over 2 hours long, and is very silly, but it just whips through. Go see.

Oh, and look out for the other Wrath of Khan nod between Spock and Nero.


macgyver got fat

August 31, 2008

I’ve just finished watching the new Stargate: Continuum DVD movie.

It was brilliant.

A couple of things to note:
1. Richard Dean Anderson is now wide. Big wide. Should have a sign on hims ass.
2. Ben Browder is dying his hair. Badly. Should have a sign on hims ass.
3. Claudia Black is still a top lovely. And Amanda Tapping. But Claudia will suffice. And I’m not even going to mention their behinds.

let’s hunt down and kill george lucas

May 26, 2008

“We’ve made this one for the fans,” they said.

Not for this fan.

“We’ve done as many of the special effects without CGI,” they said.

Then what the fuck are all the CGI gophers, explosions, fridges, monkeys and aliens doing in there?

Oh yes, Indy’s back and so are George Lucas’s shit-covered fingerprints.

I had wanted to love the return of the fedora-wearing archaeologist, I mean who doesn’t like a bit of Time Team now and then, and had thought that given 19 years they could have come up with a crackin’ storyline and screenplay, but, eeeaaah no.

The greatness of the original trilogy has been upset by this bastard teenaged son of a film:

What was the Grease/American Graffiti scene about?
Where was the 10 minute mini-story at the start?
Where were the thrill-ride scenes?
Where were the bad guys you could actually hate? Cate Blanchett turns in a role which is second only to Hayden Christensen for its blandness.

Why, in god’s name, did Indy get to walk into a tomb with Mutt Williams and get out again with no peril whatsoever? I will admit that there were a couple of badly cgi-ed scorpions, but no traps, no more creepy crawlies, no threats. Nothing. Indy even put his hand into a hole in the wall to open the tomb. Did he get trapped and the floor drop away? No. Did insects appear from nowhere to menace them? No. Did thousand-year old curses rain down upon them? No. Creepy skeletons? No. The undead? No. Mummies? No. Anything a bit creepy like the melting Nazi faces in Raiders of the Lost Ark? No.

It was bland. It disappointed from one scene to the next and the fuckin’ alien spaceship payoff, whilst pretty, truly has no place in an Indiana Jones film.

So here we are, I am starting a bounty fund for George Lucas’s retirement. If a million of us give him a couple of quid each, maybe he’ll just bugger off and sit on his diamond-encrusted Star Wars logoed throne on Skywalker Ranch rather than spewing out worthless shite like this.

Now excuse me while I write a better Indy film by cutting up old copies of Hello magazine and gluing random sentences together.

PS. Contains spoilers.

today i am joyous

May 7, 2008

If I hadn’t been driving at the time, I would have taken a picture.

This morning I saw a bus with a poster on its side for the new Indiana Jones film. Hurrah! And so long as George hasn’t gone completely “prequel” on its arse, and Spielberg can reign in his need to play up to the children-in-the-audience, May 22nd can’t come soon enough.

easter watchering

March 25, 2008

Of course, all the talk around the euphemistic water-cooler today was about how many Easter eggs everyone got.  I didn’t get any. I got a big box of liquorice.

Raspberry “flavor” liquorice. From dear mother. I suspect she believes me to be blocked up or something. And before you get all concerned about me, I’m not, send me not packets of Ex-Lax or Fybogel.

In between my bouts of extreme looseness this weekend I found time to watch a few DVDs of no particular value.  In order of watching:

1. Pig In A Day. Hugh Fernley-Whittingstall and his butcher mate (he’s got a beard and a deeper voice… he’s butcher… oh please yourselves) take apart a pig and demonstrate the art of butchery thereon. It’s a fascinating look into how you’d take a knife to one of your own-grown piggies if you were a smallholder.

2. 300. Homo-eroticism everywhere, and the fit bird from off of Terminator: The Badly Made Series. The effects are pretty tasty examples of what can be done with a few million quid and some green screens. But the rest of it was pretty fuckin’ camp. Who’da thunk?

3. 28 Weeks Later. Ah-ha! A zombie film, and I love zombie films. This one is a pretty good example of the genre, except for the series’ continued insistence that zombies can run. Read the books, guys, zombies are the world’s best comedy bad guys. I enjoyed it, although the corny set-up for 28 Months Later (coming in 2009, folks) at the end was a bit bloody obvious. Why do films have to come in trilogies these days? Anyway, where 28 Days Later was all atmosphere, suspense and a bit of gore, this one is gore and action all the way through. And a much better film it is than its predecessor.

4. Vacancy. Oh give me strength. Kate Beckinsale, how I adore ye. Oh Luke Wilson, how your eyes are too close together. This film tries very hard to replicate the Hitchcock/Psycho style. Even the title sequence evokes a 1950s/1960s suspense film. However, the terrible script, the illogical leaps the main characters make whilst in the situation they find themselves and the unbelievably camp main badguy all add up to someone somewhere owing me 81 minutes of my life back. There’s not even a fake-ending-you-thought-you’d-killed-the-bad-guy-oh-no-you-haven’t. In all, don’t bother.