gone but not forgotte

August 14, 2014

Holy crap, I’ve just noticed that Yorkies, those “it’s not for girls” branded cheap yet chunky chocolate bars of my youth now don’t have enough chunks on them to spell YORKIE across the bar.

Instead, we are diddled out of our rightful sixth chunk, and “Yorkie” is stamped in an embarrassingly shameful way across each bit.

Like nostalgia, chocolate is not what it used to be (it’s certainly more full of sugar, my teeth bloody hurt having eaten a bit).

once more, with feeding

May 20, 2010

I would like to sing a song of food
Of food down at the Cat
Accompanied by chums and beer
And stuff and things an’ that

I want to sing a song of grub
Of grub down at the Cat
And sending Buz to get the beer
And stuff and things an’ that

There’s curry, pizza, Chy-a-neez
There’s food down at the Cat
Served together with English beer
And stuff and things an’ that

all the twos

March 29, 2010

2 hours of sleep last night.

2 Tupperware boxes in the fridge. One containing the much-needed coffee beans, the other containing some salad.

Place your bets, roll-up one and all, which one gets offered up to the coffee grinder this morning?

the gordon the ramsay’s(tm) the f the word(tm)(c)

December 22, 2009


some really cheap “cooking bacon bits” from Tescos
sage, torn
white pepper
chilli powder
mustard powder
onion powder
garlic powder
ground coriander
an egg
some oil
some butter
salt, black pepper
a tomato
a gherkin or 7
mashed potato


Cook the hell out of the bacon bits in the oil, they’re cheap and need telling.
Add all the herbs and spices whilst the bacon is frying and mix it up good, biatch.
Drop in a knob of butter, just to keep the calories up.
Slice the tomato and when the bacon is getting good and crispy, drop that in to cook.
When that’s nearly done, drop in the egg to cook. You can leave it fry or mix it so it scrambles.
Once done, season with the black pepper and salt if it’s needed, to be honest it might not.

Dump the whole lot onto a big pile of mash, with gherkins on the side, and eat the bastard.

pub discussions (in a series of discussions)

December 4, 2009

Last night at the pub, BigBlueSturge asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I said an astronaut, a fireman who rescues burning kittens from trees*, and something else I can’t remember as I was drunk (but not that drunk**).

Obviously, life chucks shit at all your aspirations and here I am a lowly computer fixerer. Still, one needs to have a goal to focus on, something to attain, something that, at your funeral, people can think, “Wow, he actually did that!”***

So, readers, what do you want to do when you get sent into the world to “make it big”?

*Last night, it would seem, the worms were not in the right author. But think of those poor burning kittens!
**In case Mother is reading.
***There was further discussion along related lines, but perhaps that is for another post.

invention corner (with Prof. Heinz Wolf)

December 4, 2009

My lightening-fast brain has come up with a cunning-oh-so-cunning invention.

People are always saying that they will send me food parcels in the post. Which is lovely and generous of them and everything, but what if they wanted to send me some stew? Or soup? Or a goodly portion of crumble and custard?

The invention, then, is this: A Jiffy bag which allows the transport of liquid and semi-liquid foodstuffs. A handy feature list also tells you that it can be hermetically sealed to ensure leak-free transit (even when suffering the throwings, stompings and attempted openings that the Royal Mail will no doubt attempt).  Upon receipt, the package can immediately be put into the microwave and the recipient can open the envelope and dive straight in (no need for a bowl or plate) with a spoon to enjoy the supplied treats.

It’s a real seller, I’d say, and I’m looking for an investment of about three million quid. Cash only. And I’ll pick it up from one of the lockers at Liverpool Street Station.

fruit, healthy healthy fruit

December 2, 2009

I went to Asdas today and purchased from their “Wholefoods” section a bag of “berry mix” (their trendy lower caps, my quote marks).

In 100g of product, which is all that was in the bag, there are 311 calories.

Admittedly, there is nothing on the packet to make you think that this shit is good for you, but a look down the list of ingredients (which is mainly vegetable oil, sugar and something called “deflavoured pineapple syrup”) shows that possibly you’d get more enjoyment and less of that calorific value out of a Snickers barMarathon.

(Oh yeah. Hi by the way. I’m back).

today i am mainly

July 15, 2009

making banana cake, and probably a couple of boiled fruitcakes, later, too.


pubthursday’s pubquestion of the pubweek

February 12, 2009

Q. If it takes an infinite number of monkeys to come up with Shakespeare, is there a sliding scale of monkey quantity to get other author’s works? For example, 5 monkeys should be just about OK for most of Michael Crichton’s stuff.

Discuss, using diagrams if necessary to clarify your opinions.

voyeurism in the car

February 9, 2009

This morning, whilst stuck in the traffic on Argyle Street, I decided to eat a banana.

It was a very tasty, fair trade banana.

However, the lady in the car in front of me was enjoying the view in her rear-view mirror far too much.

*sobs* I feel violated!