Christmas 2012 e-card

December 19, 2012

Hello pals.

We all love this time of year, don’t we? The dark nights, the germs, the price of gas and electricity through the roof.

So for all of us, I’ve made a special e-card which can be printed out and hung either way up to tell everyone exactly what you think of Christmas.

Merry Xmas!

Merry Xmas!

 

Bah Humbug!

Bah Humbug!

 


opinion piece

November 12, 2012

She texted:
>I see I’ve ticked the pervert box<

I texted back:
>Dear god woman, you can’t do that!<

Her reply:
>Why not<

My reply:
>Well if you put all us perverts in the same box, we’d enjoy it so much we’d never want to leave.<

She never texted back. Which is a good job. I could never love a woman that can’t properly punctuate.


it’s the most wonderful time of the year!* (*irony)

December 24, 2010

Hail chums

This year’s boredofjam ecards are here.

Enjoy ’em, yo? (it’s a PDF, be warned)


blind like a fool

November 1, 2010

Public service announcement. Watch this video for Tallulah Rendall’s new single, Blind Like A Fool. She’s the aces.

Thank you.

Edit: More exciting than this is that Tallulah’s first album, Libellus, and her singles are available through the Ubuntu One Music Store. This makes me even happier.


never overcook a computer

July 12, 2010

I have a chum whose sole purpose in life is to do fucked up things to perfectly brilliant computer hardware I assemble for him.

His most recent exploit is to keep his PC running throughout the heatwave, burning DVDs. How jolly!

How not jolly to be woken at 6:20am on Saturday by a text message: “PC won’t switch on, left it overnight burning DVDs, call me when you get this msg.” Well, bollocks was I calling at 6:20am. In fact, bollocks was I calling until about 11am. After all, it had been the warmest night on record since recorded records began being recorded, and I needed some bloody sleep.

“Mate,” he said, when I’d decided to phone. “Mate, the pc had been fine all day…”

“All day?” I said. “You left it on all day on Friday?”

“It was fine all day on Thursday, it ran OK all night, then all day Friday…”

“What?”

“…And then when I went to bed last night, I left it burning a DVD because it takes so long…

“What?!”

“…But when I cam downstairs this morning, the entire box was dead.”

“And you are surprised by this turn of events?”

“Well… yes! What can I do mate? I need my PC!”

So I gave a few basic hints and tips; was it the fuse in the plug? Was it just needing a rest? Was he being a pleb? The usual sort of thing. But no, it seems the computer-box is dead.

“I tell  you what, mate,” (the emphasis was lost), “I’ll build up a spare Ubuntu box and have it to you on Monday, how’s that?”

“That’ll be brilliant, thank you!” And he hung up. Well, it was a hot day on Saturday, and you don’t want to risk your phone overheating and going bang, do you?

So what you can do here is imagine a montage section (you can supply the music, suggestions welcome in the comments):

  • Me finding the parts for a spare computer, digging in boxes.
  • Assembling the parts.
  • Switching the machine on for the first time.
  • The screen lighting up.
  • A wry smile across my face.
  • Taking off my glasses and wiping my arm across my forehead whilst drinking from a mug of coffee.
  • Watching a progress bar slide along the screen.
  • Typing at a keyboard and somehow the text on the screen is projected across my face as I type.
  • Clicking a mouse.
  • Finally placing the top of the computer on and wiping it with a piece of rag before patting it lightly and sighing to myself.

And now we are at this evening. I have just returned from installing the beast. And a beast it is too. It’s a Pentium 3, 733Mhz with 512MB of memory and 32MB of PCI NVidia graphics power behind it. It’s running Ubuntu 10.04.

I figured that PC-Boiling-Chum would want his DVD burner (I really don’t understand why) so thought I’d just slot that in. It would also probably be worthwhile sliding in his PCI-to-USB card too. He has a worrying collection of, ahem, webcams scattered about his desk which he likes to have plugged in.

My only problem was forgetting that his DVD writer is a SATA-based product, although luckily I had also installed a PCI-to-SATA card in the knackered PC. But what would be the chances of Ubuntu working nicely with:

  1. A 10 year old PC
  2. A PCI-to-SATA card it hadn’t known about on install
  3. A SATA dvd burner plugged into the PCI-to-SATA card it hadn’t known about on install

Obviously, it coped magnificently. Having opened the computer up and filled its amazing little riser card full with a video card, some USB ports and a SATA card, it then proceeded to boot and load in no time at all, perfectly happy with all the hardware. Webcams included.

So there we go. Unbelievers, start believing. Install Ubuntu Linux and enjoy.

(And for those of you that think something must have gone wrong somewhere, well, you’re right. The wireless mouse needed some new batteries.)


once more, with feeding

May 20, 2010

I would like to sing a song of food
Of food down at the Cat
Accompanied by chums and beer
And stuff and things an’ that

I want to sing a song of grub
Of grub down at the Cat
And sending Buz to get the beer
And stuff and things an’ that

There’s curry, pizza, Chy-a-neez
There’s food down at the Cat
Served together with English beer
And stuff and things an’ that


pox ridden

April 8, 2010

I have some kind of lurgy. It involves a damnable sore throat, which in turn is covered with ulcers. It’s all very nice. In fact even nicer is when one of the bloody things bursts. Like the big one did.

Any doctors out there wanna take a punt at what it is?

People have hummed and harred and said I should probably be off work, but hell, I just know I’d be missed terribly, and besides I’d go stir crazy if I didn’t go in. For example, it’s nice for one to enjoy some kind of interaction or banter with the one’s work colleagues. Of course, the only thing you get from a bunch of computer geeks is “Morning”, followed eight hours later by “Bye”. Obviously, none of them ever looks you in the eye when talking to you, but it is nice that both words are said in an almost friendly fashion.


the 3d revolution

March 29, 2010

Our blog chum, Neil (from out of HP) will be feeling vindicated with the recent announcement of the next generation of portable gaming equipment.

No no, it’s not another new Sony PSP Go (this time with no screen, no buttons, no sound and even fewer games)*. It’s Nintendo’s intended update of the why-is-this-so-popular? gaming machine the DSi.

Currently being touted as the 3DSi (see what they did there) it will bring three dimensional gaming to the pockets of the masses. Somehow.

Of course, if you wanted to play an actual 3D game you could just get off your tubby Nintendo arse and play some fucking sport. Or a game where you get some friends over and have to talk to them. But don’t take that personally.

*Gaming irony.

(of course, the astute among you will have noticed that there is a clever Nintendo prototype machine pun in the title of this post).


with friends like these…

February 22, 2010

Buz says:
Yo
Alf says:
Yo
Buz says:
Seems I have a hot date with the wife and kids for lunch now… you are welcome to join us at Morrisons if you wish
Alf says:
No no, you go on your hot date with your family
Buz says:
Ok
Alf says:
I’ll sit and cry in my car
Buz says:
Ok
Alf says:
In a lay by
Buz says:
Ok
Alf says:
and take paracetamol until the pain goes away
Buz says:
Ok. Neil’s got some in his drawer if that helps…
Alf says:
Ooh, ta


bellowhead song generator

December 15, 2009

In a selfless act of writing quite a long, complicated and blindingly funny entry for the 7 Bellowhead fans who have internet access on their hurdie-gurdies, I present:

The All New 2009 10-Point Bellowhead Song Creator

Section 1: The Lyric
(Fill in all of the below)

1.  Choose a name (surname, first name combo):
2.  Are you Old or Young?:
3.  Are you happy or sad?:
4.  Pick a profession:
5.  Pick a town (preferably on the coast, or in Norfolk):
6.  Pick a mode of transport:
7.  Pick an object or person your character would desire:
8.  Walk or Run?:
9.  Pick somewhere to go:
10. The name or profession of your arch nemesis:
11. A type of beverage:
12. A fate:

Section 2: The Orchestration
(Pick 3 from here)

1.  Wah wah pedal on bazouki
2.  Orchestral hit
3.  Funky drum break
4.  Sudden tempo slow-down
5.  Apparent band chaos resolving back into tunefulness
6.  A household object/child’s toy used as an instrument
7.  Sousaphone solo
8.  Random flattened notes from horn section
9.  Harmonies
10. Violin stab

Section 3: The Theatrics
(Pick 3 from here)

1.  Everyone wears a pink tie
2.  Everyone wears an ear-ring
3.  Pointing instrument to draw attention to particular section of band
4.  Complaining there’s not enough room on stage
5.  Vertical dancing (jumping)
6.  Using an Olde Englishe-style voice
7.  Playing ‘statues’ for one bar
8.  Smoke machine
9.  Large flowers sticking out of instruments
10. Singing in a drunken manner
11. Running across the stage behind the drumkit
12. Suddenly leaving the stage

And Now:

For your Exclusive Bellowhead Song, fill in the gaps using your answers from above:

Introduction: <Orchestration option 1>

Oh I am <young/old> <name>
A <happy/sad> <profession> am I
And in my life as a <profession>
I find a little <beverage> goes down well of a day!
A little <beverage> goes down well!

But wait! Here comes my one desire
The thing I desirest most
A pretty little <object of desire>
The prettiest thing from here to the Northern coast

<Orchestration option 2> whilst <Theatrics option 1>

Oh come with me, oh pretty <object of desire>
And together we will be
Away on a <mode of transport> we will go
From here to <somewhere to go> we will go, you and me

And so my <object of desire> set forth and <walked/ran> away
And off we went to <somewhere to go> a life we planned to make
When suddenly upon us came <nemesis>, a swarthy sort of cove
And charmed by lovely <object of desire>, an axe between us drove

<Orchestration option 3>

I went a took a drink of <beverage>
And then I took some more
My <object of desire> was gone
So I took drinks three and four
But then I thought quite long and hard
’bout <nemesis>‘s evil tricks
And so called out to the barman
And had drinks five and six!

<Theatrics option 2> <Orchestration option 1>

Ashamed am I at drinks seven and eight
I worked out <nemesis>‘s terrible fate
Would I kill and stab and murder?
Hang him high from up above?
Make him walk the plank?
Drown in a tank? All for my true love.

<Theatrics option 3>

But no my dear old friends, my plan was simple
All I’d do is <fate> my nemesis til he was dead
and show them that
<young/old> <name> should not be messed with
And they’d die with jus in bello in their head.

<Theatrics 1, 2 and 3 all at the same time> <One random Orchestration from the list>