i mean, seriously…

August 20, 2014

CHAPTER 1

I’ve just spent two evenings battling with Windows 8. What an awful, awful operating system it is to support and repair.

THE END

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are bt a bunch of fibbing whatsits? you decide.

July 11, 2010

Friends, I offer you the following evidence from BT’s latest advert featuring the gurning ginger idiot who left the sitcom “My Family” to extend his career and, er, be in BT adverts.

The message I am taking away from this advert, entitled “Computer experts” (heh), is that if a video on a website doesn’t display in a timely manner, the only reason is that the broadband provided to your house is at fault. All other explanations are pooh-poohed by Kris Thingumy. “Let’s go to my house!” he declares and they have jolly japes whilst the narrator tells us all that 20Mb* broadband is the way forward (and BT’s is the best).

Last night, I had the misfortune to watch ITV1.

I don’t like ITV1. It’s like Channel 5, but with pretensions to being the BBC. At least Channel 5 don’t pretend. The best they ever want to be is ITV4 and don’t try any harder.¬† However, the World Cup was on and as my team, the Germans, were playing, I figured I should swallow my pride and put up with Adrian Chiles’ fat face and an advert break every two minutes.

It was during one of these all-too-frequent advert breaks that the Gold-Blend-wannabe advert came on. So I tweeted my disgust at its deceit:

Alf Fairweather boredofjam

BT Broadband. Tell me how you can make the internet work faster if the service you are trying to view is overloaded? Like the ITV play[-er]?

Which is a fact. How can a server designed to serve, say, 100 people at a time, possibly manage to serve 200 people better even if those people have BT Broadband (running at 20Mb)*. It doesn’t matter how fast the end product to your house is. If the thing you’re looking at can’t cope with the demand, you will not see what is on there.

Watch the advert. BT Kris says (and I paraphrase) “No no, dumbass, it’s your broadband! It’s stinky like Adrian Chiles’ socks.”

Let’s face it folks, BT Kris is wrong. Still, I felt happy that I’d told BT Broadband off, and went to bed.

[fade out] [fade in]

I was amused this morning to discover this gem from @BTCare:

@boredofjam If it is overloaded it has reached capacity and you would not be able to make it run faster. Try it again at a later time. about 7 hours ago via Debatescape

Well, that seems to confirm what I was saying. So simply pointed this out:

Alf Fairweather boredofjam

@BTCare: I know this, but your latest advert shown during the World Cup last night appears not to.

A few moments later, I get this:

@boredofjam It doesn’t matter how fast your Broadband is if the web site you are trying to connect to is overloaded then it will be slower about 6 hours ago via Debatescape

And then! This:

@boredofjam This is the website which is slower not your Broadband speed. about 6 hours ago via Debatescape

It’s magic! @BTcare agree with me.

So, the question we have to ask ourselves this evening is, are BT lying to us in their advert? Yes or No.

By the way, BT, how’s that thing going with Phorm? You know, the illegal interception of private individuals’ data?

*Reader, please be aware that 20Mb is not what you think it is. See how that “b” in “Mb” is in lower case? This means that it stands for the computer word “bit”, and there are 8 of those fellows to a byte. Therefore a 20Mb connection is going to be 8 times slower than you think it is, and is actually running at 2.5MB (megabytes).¬† Of course, this is in ideal conditions and won’t be reflected by the service to your door, but this will be glossed over and mainly ignored by your provider¬† – no matter who they are.


kids your lesson for today starts here:

April 29, 2010

Remember, children: Never ever get involved with computers.

Don’t talk about how you once saw a computer on the television. Don’t say you saw a computer in a shop. Never admit to hearing about your friend’s dad installing a wireless router. Don’t buy a PC magazine. Don’t have an opinion on a games console. Never visit PC World. Never ask for a laptop, a desktop, a netbook, a mobile phone or an MP3 player. Don’t work out how to make some text go bold in Word. Ignore the internet. Never read up on new gadgets. If you can help it, try not to switch on a television or watch a DVD. Don’t set the clock on the dashboard of a car. Don’t replace the batteries in a remote control. Never get an email address. Avoid wearing black and never eat Mars bars and drink Pepsi. Your hero is not Dennis Nedry.

But even if you remember all of that, you will still be the computer expert in your family and be required to set up the wireless networking for your parents.


classic wankery

April 28, 2010

Greetings.

Have this link. It made me chuckle thanks to its expert demonstration of a professional wanker demonstrating classic wankery.

Starting off by comparing some in-ear headphones to floor-standing speakers as a way of justifying this hand moistening, self indulgent pocket shuffling, is pure grade-A wank in a gold bucket.

I have a feeling that Steve Guttenberg, whilst not not-starring in Police Academy films is the sort of fella who will spunk out on $1500 HDMI cables. Literally.

But, whatever floats your boat. Enjoy listening to them badly encoded MP3s, y’all.


the wepad

April 21, 2010

Apart from sounding like something middle-aged ladies have to wear when they want to laugh, cough, sit up, stretch for the last packet of Fybogel Orange on the shelf at Boots, or breathe, the WePad, to capitalise its name nicely, looks to be the choice gadget for the discerning technology user in 2010.

No surprises then, that it looks very much like that other thing which Apple launched recently. You remember, the computer they claimed was “magic”. However the abilities and specs of this machine prove that the iPad is made of big cheesy chunks of Far-East-built fail.

For a start, the WePad is widescreen. This is something that Apple appeared to think wasn’t a useful feature for a machine which was specifically built to help you consume media (read: buy stuff off Apple iVideoShop). For a second, it runs an actual magical hybrid of a Linux and Google’s Android. Or something. I don’t know. Dear god, it’s just a computer. There will be icons and a mouse and a keyboardy thing on the screen that will help you type.

I could go on, but the website for the Magical Mystery WeMachine is here. It’s a much nicer experience than reading my anti-Apple bile-filled prose. And Fifi will complain if I keep going on about how crap Apple actually are.


PIPEX!

April 1, 2010

Dear Pipex

I’ve previously mentioned how awful you are when things go wrong.

Your inability to collect money from my bank account. Your lack of customer service, including your tendency to blame the customer for your mistakes. And your inability to consider that if one goes to pipex.co.uk, one is not necessarily looking for a business broadband solution. Where is your goddamn home broadband homepage?

I’ll tell you where: It’s offline. It’s down. It’s unreachable through all the browsers. Even Internet Explorer 8, which according to Microsoft can do everything in 8 seconds or less. Or am I missing something from their current round of propaganda?

All I want is my internet back or some way to find out when it might be back. Your message about there being a flood in Paddington (in London) is about as much use to me (in Ipswich) as children’s safety officer in the Vatican. The 7 minutes of hanging on the telephone last night whilst a computer told me “Your call will be answered shortly, Dave” did nothing for my opinion of you, my blood pressure, or my phone when I threw it across the room.

But hey, for fifteen quid a month for all the internet I could possibly eat, OK.

Fuck you. Now let’s snuggle.


the 3d revolution

March 29, 2010

Our blog chum, Neil (from out of HP) will be feeling vindicated with the recent announcement of the next generation of portable gaming equipment.

No no, it’s not another new Sony PSP Go (this time with no screen, no buttons, no sound and even fewer games)*. It’s Nintendo’s intended update of the why-is-this-so-popular? gaming machine the DSi.

Currently being touted as the 3DSi (see what they did there) it will bring three dimensional gaming to the pockets of the masses. Somehow.

Of course, if you wanted to play an actual 3D game you could just get off your tubby Nintendo arse and play some fucking sport. Or a game where you get some friends over and have to talk to them. But don’t take that personally.

*Gaming irony.

(of course, the astute among you will have noticed that there is a clever Nintendo prototype machine pun in the title of this post).