opinion piece

November 12, 2012

She texted:
>I see I’ve ticked the pervert box<

I texted back:
>Dear god woman, you can’t do that!<

Her reply:
>Why not<

My reply:
>Well if you put all us perverts in the same box, we’d enjoy it so much we’d never want to leave.<

She never texted back. Which is a good job. I could never love a woman that can’t properly punctuate.

mccartney will be spinning in his grave

June 21, 2010

Further to my Twitter feed, I completed a song, entitled:

Intranet Writer
(Lenin and McCarthorse)

Dear Sir or Madam, I’ve erased my site
I need it back, It took me hours to write,
If the boss finds out, I’ll be out of here
And I need a job, and I want to be an intranet writer.

Although all talent’s absent, I have found a niche
Writing crappy copy, which I self-publish
But I clicked a button, now the whole lot’s gone
It’s an easy job, and I want to stay an intranet writer

Intranet writer (Intranet writer)

I get one hundred hits, and some days even more
From my friends in sales on the second floor
And I’ve told them when they should refresh the page
It’s a lovely life, when you’re falsifying intranet hit rates

All my writing’s stolen from a press release
Which I’ve hacked about just how I please
And my spelling’s wrong, and my grammar too
I’ve an easy job, cos I’m the only one with editor access

Intranet writer (Intranet writer)

ideal christmas gift idea

December 10, 2009

Buz mentioned to me that he wants a Nintendo Wii for Christmas. Buz is a gamer, so this rather confused me.

“Buz,” I said. “You are a gamer. You should want a Playbox or a Station 360. Why oh why do you want a Wii?”

Buz said, “I have a gaming platform. It is my PC.”

“Mmm.” I agreed. Buz plays games on Windows. Like sol.exe and MineSweeper.

“So I just want a thing to play Wii Tennis on.”

“Ah yes,” I said. “Help Mario as he struggles through Half a league/half a league/Half a league onward/All in the valley of Death/Rode the six hundred.”

We laughed. We are scholars.

From: it@aspire-recgroup.co.uk

May 22, 2009

I appreciate people who can spell. I appreciate people who can use grammar. I appreciate people who can use punctuation.

But in case someone isn’t quite so good at any of that, I appreciate people who can use the fucking spell checker. Especially when claiming that their made up job has been put on hold. So witness this slightly unedited delight from the people who bring you cv-library:

Dear Alf Boredofjam

Thank you for your recent application Infrastructure Domain/Systems/Software/Support Expert (reference: AS2495IDE.

Please excuse any delay in our response.

Unfportunately the client has put this role on hold.

We will be intouch as soon as we know more and we will certainly keep you details for any other suitabel roles.


Aspire IT.

I am hoping that suitabel roles mean finding a newspaper and smacking the crap out of whoever wrote the above. I do hope they earn under the National Minimum Wage.

grammar vindication (and pilau rice)

August 31, 2008

I draw your attention to two things.

First off, this. From 2006.

Second off, this. From today.

counting news

November 30, 2006

I was happy to see that Sainsbury’s supermarkets now have their quick-service tills correctly labeled as “Five items or fewer”.

there’re none as so blind #2

November 25, 2006


[Pic: Damn them, no wonder my eyes are so poorly!]