classic wankery

April 28, 2010


Have this link. It made me chuckle thanks to its expert demonstration of a professional wanker demonstrating classic wankery.

Starting off by comparing some in-ear headphones to floor-standing speakers as a way of justifying this hand moistening, self indulgent pocket shuffling, is pure grade-A wank in a gold bucket.

I have a feeling that Steve Guttenberg, whilst not not-starring in Police Academy films is the sort of fella who will spunk out on $1500 HDMI cables. Literally.

But, whatever floats your boat. Enjoy listening to them badly encoded MP3s, y’all.

the wepad

April 21, 2010

Apart from sounding like something middle-aged ladies have to wear when they want to laugh, cough, sit up, stretch for the last packet of Fybogel Orange on the shelf at Boots, or breathe, the WePad, to capitalise its name nicely, looks to be the choice gadget for the discerning technology user in 2010.

No surprises then, that it looks very much like that other thing which Apple launched recently. You remember, the computer they claimed was “magic”. However the abilities and specs of this machine prove that the iPad is made of big cheesy chunks of Far-East-built fail.

For a start, the WePad is widescreen. This is something that Apple appeared to think wasn’t a useful feature for a machine which was specifically built to help you consume media (read: buy stuff off Apple iVideoShop). For a second, it runs an actual magical hybrid of a Linux and Google’s Android. Or something. I don’t know. Dear god, it’s just a computer. There will be icons and a mouse and a keyboardy thing on the screen that will help you type.

I could go on, but the website for the Magical Mystery WeMachine is here. It’s a much nicer experience than reading my anti-Apple bile-filled prose. And Fifi will complain if I keep going on about how crap Apple actually are.

geek (proof)

April 21, 2010

Moore’s Law has been around now for the last 40 years, and every 20 months or so, it gets twice as long and complicated as before (or have I misunderstood this?) In the spirit of its recent anniversary, I present the following:

Table 1: Minimum system requirements for Microsoft Windows, by version:

Version          RAM            Processor            Free Hard disk    Year
3.1              1MB             286                   6.5MB           1992
95               4MB             386DX                  55MB           1995
NT4              16MB            Pentium chip          110MB           1996
98               16MB            486DX66               355MB           1998
2000             64MB            Pentium 133             2GB           2000
ME               32MB            Pentium 150           320MB           2000
XP               128MB           Pentium 300           1.5GB           2001
Vista            512MB           800MHz chip            15GB           2007
7                1GB             1GHz chip              16GB           2009
                                 (+DX9 video card)

the 3d revolution

March 29, 2010

Our blog chum, Neil (from out of HP) will be feeling vindicated with the recent announcement of the next generation of portable gaming equipment.

No no, it’s not another new Sony PSP Go (this time with no screen, no buttons, no sound and even fewer games)*. It’s Nintendo’s intended update of the why-is-this-so-popular? gaming machine the DSi.

Currently being touted as the 3DSi (see what they did there) it will bring three dimensional gaming to the pockets of the masses. Somehow.

Of course, if you wanted to play an actual 3D game you could just get off your tubby Nintendo arse and play some fucking sport. Or a game where you get some friends over and have to talk to them. But don’t take that personally.

*Gaming irony.

(of course, the astute among you will have noticed that there is a clever Nintendo prototype machine pun in the title of this post).

why 3d tv will fail, annotated guide below:

January 11, 2010

1. You look like a twat wearing those stupid fucking 3D glasses.

invention corner (with Prof. Heinz Wolf)

December 4, 2009

My lightening-fast brain has come up with a cunning-oh-so-cunning invention.

People are always saying that they will send me food parcels in the post. Which is lovely and generous of them and everything, but what if they wanted to send me some stew? Or soup? Or a goodly portion of crumble and custard?

The invention, then, is this: A Jiffy bag which allows the transport of liquid and semi-liquid foodstuffs. A handy feature list also tells you that it can be hermetically sealed to ensure leak-free transit (even when suffering the throwings, stompings and attempted openings that the Royal Mail will no doubt attempt).  Upon receipt, the package can immediately be put into the microwave and the recipient can open the envelope and dive straight in (no need for a bowl or plate) with a spoon to enjoy the supplied treats.

It’s a real seller, I’d say, and I’m looking for an investment of about three million quid. Cash only. And I’ll pick it up from one of the lockers at Liverpool Street Station.