following instructions

September 9, 2014

In order for this to work, you will need to do (A).

User: Help, I need my application to work!
Me: Have you followed the instructions?
User: Yes, I’ve done (B) and (C).
Me: Have you followed the instructions and done (A)?
User: Yes, I’ve now done (B) and (C) twice and it’s still not working. I’ll try (D) next.
Me: You just need to do (A).
User: (D) didn’t work, you’re wasting my time.
Me: Can we go back to the initial instructions, please. Read them carefully and follow all the steps detailed there.
User: I’ve asked around and I’ve been told to do (D) again, and then follow it up with (X), (Y), and (Z). Twice.
Me: Perhaps you could try (A)?
User: (D), (X), (Y) and (Z) didn’t work. You know nothing.

maths for this week*

June 22, 2010

Courtesy of BigBlueSturge:

Cruel budget today = Deeply discontented country
Cruel budget today + Football win tomorrow = Mildly grumbly country
Cruel budget today + Football loss tomorrow = Riots

  • Does your country embarrass you as much as ours embarrasses us? Send a comment and we’ll organise a fight in the car park behind Asdas to find out which country is the most hopeless!

*Add 20% VAT from 1st January 2011.

mccartney will be spinning in his grave

June 21, 2010

Further to my Twitter feed, I completed a song, entitled:

Intranet Writer
(Lenin and McCarthorse)

Dear Sir or Madam, I’ve erased my site
I need it back, It took me hours to write,
If the boss finds out, I’ll be out of here
And I need a job, and I want to be an intranet writer.

Although all talent’s absent, I have found a niche
Writing crappy copy, which I self-publish
But I clicked a button, now the whole lot’s gone
It’s an easy job, and I want to stay an intranet writer

Intranet writer (Intranet writer)

I get one hundred hits, and some days even more
From my friends in sales on the second floor
And I’ve told them when they should refresh the page
It’s a lovely life, when you’re falsifying intranet hit rates

All my writing’s stolen from a press release
Which I’ve hacked about just how I please
And my spelling’s wrong, and my grammar too
I’ve an easy job, cos I’m the only one with editor access

Intranet writer (Intranet writer)

pub discussions (in a series of discussions)

December 4, 2009

Last night at the pub, BigBlueSturge asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I said an astronaut, a fireman who rescues burning kittens from trees*, and something else I can’t remember as I was drunk (but not that drunk**).

Obviously, life chucks shit at all your aspirations and here I am a lowly computer fixerer. Still, one needs to have a goal to focus on, something to attain, something that, at your funeral, people can think, “Wow, he actually did that!”***

So, readers, what do you want to do when you get sent into the world to “make it big”?

*Last night, it would seem, the worms were not in the right author. But think of those poor burning kittens!
**In case Mother is reading.
***There was further discussion along related lines, but perhaps that is for another post.

invention corner (with Prof. Heinz Wolf)

December 4, 2009

My lightening-fast brain has come up with a cunning-oh-so-cunning invention.

People are always saying that they will send me food parcels in the post. Which is lovely and generous of them and everything, but what if they wanted to send me some stew? Or soup? Or a goodly portion of crumble and custard?

The invention, then, is this: A Jiffy bag which allows the transport of liquid and semi-liquid foodstuffs. A handy feature list also tells you that it can be hermetically sealed to ensure leak-free transit (even when suffering the throwings, stompings and attempted openings that the Royal Mail will no doubt attempt).  Upon receipt, the package can immediately be put into the microwave and the recipient can open the envelope and dive straight in (no need for a bowl or plate) with a spoon to enjoy the supplied treats.

It’s a real seller, I’d say, and I’m looking for an investment of about three million quid. Cash only. And I’ll pick it up from one of the lockers at Liverpool Street Station.

normal service will résumé

September 18, 2009


My apologies for no recent updates. There’s not a lot to report when one spends all day writing one’s CV and trying to make oneself look brilliantly fab. Not that I would ever condone creative writing being used to tempt a future employer.

So don’t do it, kids. Just don’t. It’s wrong and deceitful.

Do drugs instead.


May 22, 2009

I appreciate people who can spell. I appreciate people who can use grammar. I appreciate people who can use punctuation.

But in case someone isn’t quite so good at any of that, I appreciate people who can use the fucking spell checker. Especially when claiming that their made up job has been put on hold. So witness this slightly unedited delight from the people who bring you cv-library:

Dear Alf Boredofjam

Thank you for your recent application Infrastructure Domain/Systems/Software/Support Expert (reference: AS2495IDE.

Please excuse any delay in our response.

Unfportunately the client has put this role on hold.

We will be intouch as soon as we know more and we will certainly keep you details for any other suitabel roles.


Aspire IT.

I am hoping that suitabel roles mean finding a newspaper and smacking the crap out of whoever wrote the above. I do hope they earn under the National Minimum Wage.