Here’s Sparecat enjoying one of his favourite 1970s conspiracy theory films, Capricorn One. Next stop, The China Syndrome.
Friends, I offer you the following evidence from BT’s latest advert featuring the gurning ginger idiot who left the sitcom “My Family” to extend his career and, er, be in BT adverts.
The message I am taking away from this advert, entitled “Computer experts” (heh), is that if a video on a website doesn’t display in a timely manner, the only reason is that the broadband provided to your house is at fault. All other explanations are pooh-poohed by Kris Thingumy. “Let’s go to my house!” he declares and they have jolly japes whilst the narrator tells us all that 20Mb* broadband is the way forward (and BT’s is the best).
Last night, I had the misfortune to watch ITV1.
I don’t like ITV1. It’s like Channel 5, but with pretensions to being the BBC. At least Channel 5 don’t pretend. The best they ever want to be is ITV4 and don’t try any harder. However, the World Cup was on and as my team, the Germans, were playing, I figured I should swallow my pride and put up with Adrian Chiles’ fat face and an advert break every two minutes.
It was during one of these all-too-frequent advert breaks that the Gold-Blend-wannabe advert came on. So I tweeted my disgust at its deceit:
BT Broadband. Tell me how you can make the internet work faster if the service you are trying to view is overloaded? Like the ITV play[-er]?
Which is a fact. How can a server designed to serve, say, 100 people at a time, possibly manage to serve 200 people better even if those people have BT Broadband (running at 20Mb)*. It doesn’t matter how fast the end product to your house is. If the thing you’re looking at can’t cope with the demand, you will not see what is on there.
Watch the advert. BT Kris says (and I paraphrase) “No no, dumbass, it’s your broadband! It’s stinky like Adrian Chiles’ socks.”
Let’s face it folks, BT Kris is wrong. Still, I felt happy that I’d told BT Broadband off, and went to bed.
[fade out] [fade in]
I was amused this morning to discover this gem from @BTCare:
Well, that seems to confirm what I was saying. So simply pointed this out:
@BTCare: I know this, but your latest advert shown during the World Cup last night appears not to.
A few moments later, I get this:
And then! This:
It’s magic! @BTcare agree with me.
So, the question we have to ask ourselves this evening is, are BT lying to us in their advert? Yes or No.
By the way, BT, how’s that thing going with Phorm? You know, the illegal interception of private individuals’ data?
*Reader, please be aware that 20Mb is not what you think it is. See how that “b” in “Mb” is in lower case? This means that it stands for the computer word “bit”, and there are 8 of those fellows to a byte. Therefore a 20Mb connection is going to be 8 times slower than you think it is, and is actually running at 2.5MB (megabytes). Of course, this is in ideal conditions and won’t be reflected by the service to your door, but this will be glossed over and mainly ignored by your provider – no matter who they are.
Courtesy of BigBlueSturge:
Cruel budget today = Deeply discontented country
Cruel budget today + Football win tomorrow = Mildly grumbly country
Cruel budget today + Football loss tomorrow = Riots
- Does your country embarrass you as much as ours embarrasses us? Send a comment and we’ll organise a fight in the car park behind Asdas to find out which country is the most hopeless!
*Add 20% VAT from 1st January 2011.
Seems I have a hot date with the wife and kids for lunch now… you are welcome to join us at Morrisons if you wish
No no, you go on your hot date with your family
I’ll sit and cry in my car
In a lay by
and take paracetamol until the pain goes away
Ok. Neil’s got some in his drawer if that helps…
1. You look like a twat wearing those stupid fucking 3D glasses.
I forgot my new mantra.
Mes amis boredofjammians
Have a splendid new year celebration. I wish only that I could be at your houses celebrating with you (mainly as I’m assuming you have free whisky).
In 2010, we’ll be:
Living on the moon
All motoring around in flying cars
Wearing silver jumpsuits
Eating food from little foil packets (to be fair we do already, it’s called “take away”)
Employing robotic home helpers
Teleporting everywhere (except Cronenberg fans)
Solving the energy crisis — and more! Just hang around to find out what!
(Shit, that’s “The Jetsons”, ain’t it?)
We will not be:
Held to ransom by our increasingly arrogant governmentalists
Told that for our freedom to continue, we need to have some freedoms taken away
Taxed beyond tax. And beyond!
Seeing energy and food bills increase
Listening to yet more shite from Simon Cowell and his chums
Falling back into recession
Spending more billions keeping bankers in nice suits and cigars
Seeing Take That finally reunite with David Walliams
Seeing fuckwit voters in the UK decide that extreme right wing candidates are what this country needs
Relying on the NHS to be clean
Now fuck off 2009, you were a total waste of my time.
some really cheap “cooking bacon bits” from Tescos
salt, black pepper
a gherkin or 7
Cook the hell out of the bacon bits in the oil, they’re cheap and need telling.
Add all the herbs and spices whilst the bacon is frying and mix it up good, biatch.
Drop in a knob of butter, just to keep the calories up.
Slice the tomato and when the bacon is getting good and crispy, drop that in to cook.
When that’s nearly done, drop in the egg to cook. You can leave it fry or mix it so it scrambles.
Once done, season with the black pepper and salt if it’s needed, to be honest it might not.
Dump the whole lot onto a big pile of mash, with gherkins on the side, and eat the bastard.
Buz mentioned to me that he wants a Nintendo Wii for Christmas. Buz is a gamer, so this rather confused me.
“Buz,” I said. “You are a gamer. You should want a Playbox or a Station 360. Why oh why do you want a Wii?”
Buz said, “I have a gaming platform. It is my PC.”
“Mmm.” I agreed. Buz plays games on Windows. Like sol.exe and MineSweeper.
“So I just want a thing to play Wii Tennis on.”
“Ah yes,” I said. “Help Mario as he struggles through Half a league/half a league/Half a league onward/All in the valley of Death/Rode the six hundred.”
We laughed. We are scholars.
Last night at the pub, BigBlueSturge asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up.
I said an astronaut, a fireman who rescues burning kittens from trees*, and something else I can’t remember as I was drunk (but not that drunk**).
Obviously, life chucks shit at all your aspirations and here I am a lowly computer fixerer. Still, one needs to have a goal to focus on, something to attain, something that, at your funeral, people can think, “Wow, he actually did that!”***
So, readers, what do you want to do when you get sent into the world to “make it big”?
*Last night, it would seem, the worms were not in the right author. But think of those poor burning kittens!
**In case Mother is reading.
***There was further discussion along related lines, but perhaps that is for another post.