my local paper doesn’t want me to tell you the truth

March 13, 2017

Perhaps that’s a naughty headline really, however all my comments seem to be moderated away to a dark place at the moment due to “other”.

http://www.ipswichstar.co.uk/news/new_vision_for_ipswich_cornhill_brings_sculpture_and_water_feature_to_site_1_4925751

The sheer, stunning coincidence that two major big money investments in Ipswich are revealed within a couple of days of each other, and an election just around the corner on 4th May. Hopefully the people of Ipswich can see past the hyperbole and spin to which we are being subjected. My mind is spinning as to the possibilities of the next few days. Will the Borough discover the goose that lays golden eggs? Ben Gummer will probably announce he’s found a field filled with magical unicorns (likely to lie across all the proposed routes of the northern bypass), and the Anglia LEP will suddenly spot that East Anglia is more than just Norwich. Admittedly they are all fantasies – particularly the last one – but this is the sort of nonsense that we as a town have put up with for years. Do you recall that this very paper declared on the day that the logo changed they would hold our local representatives to task over nonsense like this? This is our money. These are people who are responsible to us, and yet they fritter away millions of pounds on pretty drawings and press conferences, then plead poverty every March when the Council Tax bills come in. Maybe Mr Gummer can help his local constituents out in his role as Paymaster General by clearly explaining how his government can justify the massive rises in business tax which are more of a threat to a town like Ipswich and its surrounding villages, than not having some concrete statues on the Cornhill. I’d like to read that in the Star. Perhaps they could send Paul Geater to ask the important questions? Remember who it is that is wasting your money in these times of supposed austerity, and kick them out in May. I have the greatest of respect for Roger Fern as Mayor, but I welcome the announcement that Sarah Barber will soon be taking over. I have no particular political preference for, but my hope is that someone young and enthusiastic can help drag this town into the light and make local government see sense. Ipswich is not capable of competing with Cambridge, Norwich, or even Bury. Once the  idea that we can is out of everyone’s minds and we can develop to become our own centre for shopping and socialising, we can start to shine. Ipswich has been disregarded by the County Council for years and pie-in-the-sky plans for public spaces like this don’t help, especially when it seems like it was handed out to someone’s friends to design.

When growing up I was often told to “keep it simple, stupid”. What Ipswich needs to do is to follow this oft ignored mantra. If you want to attract people into the centre of the town, soften it. Ipswich is a town with more parkland per head than anywhere else in the country, so why is there no greenery in the town centre? All I can see here is concrete which will rapidly become outdated and look tired. Simplify it, soften the area, make it pleasant to sit in and for people to admire Ipswich’s historic architecture. As people have commented, add trees, add shrubs, add benches so people can take time. Keep it simple, keep it manageable, make it pleasant. If you put up concrete “celebratory columns” that people can drunkenly attempt to climb then people will drunkenly attempt to climb it (and if they can’t climb it then they will use it when they are ‘caught short’ in between visits to pubs). Maybe I could get behind the scheme if one of these concrete lumps had a neon sign on it that spelled “The Mill” and pieces fell off it in the lightest of winds? Sure, flatten the area so that it can be used for outside performance, art, theatre, or small concerts, but don’t waste a further £3m on something that will need to be constantly checked up on and repaired. Think Arras Place, but with actual parking restrictions. We can all remember what the thugs of this town decided to do some of the Pigs Gone Wild statues, this would be a playground for them. And forget about putting the market there. We can’t have the area smelling of that fish stall and covered in the filth that market day brings. Ipswich is a mediaeval town and its roads are narrow. How about some ‘outside the box’ thinking and setting up an indoor market somewhere? If only we had a giant, mainly empty department store in town with plenty of room for its current occupants and more small, independent retailers who could do with some town centre exposure in a shared area. It could come with easy access for pick ups, parking and deliveries, and would drive people to an end of the town that needs reviving? If only…

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XBOX Exclusive

August 12, 2014
  • Lara Croft and the bit where she runs slowly away from a Tiger
  • Lara Croft and the bit where she walks through a 3D bush
  • Lara Croft and the bit where she walks through walls
  • Lara Croft and the Small Rock She Can’t Jump Over
  • Lara Croft and the Frame Rate Drop When There’s A Bad Guy Just Off Screen
  • Lara Croft and the shooting bad guys whilst running away from them, even though the gamer isn’t aiming at them
  • Lara Croft and the Stupid Control Method where It Looks Like You’re Reaching & Jumping For A Ledge 500ft Up But Really We’ll Just Let Her Fall To Her Death
  • Lara Croft and the nearly kills herself deviating from the main course because she can see something shiny up on a ledge, but after 30 mins battling with clunky controls, it’s just a small feckin’ medipack or a worthless medallion to unlock a stupid outfit.
  • Lara Croft and the Am I Controlling Her In This Bit Or Is It A Bit Where They Try And Explain The Story?

Christmas 2012 e-card

December 19, 2012

Hello pals.

We all love this time of year, don’t we? The dark nights, the germs, the price of gas and electricity through the roof.

So for all of us, I’ve made a special e-card which can be printed out and hung either way up to tell everyone exactly what you think of Christmas.

Merry Xmas!

Merry Xmas!

 

Bah Humbug!

Bah Humbug!

 


watching movies

March 9, 2011

Can someone please advise why, partway through the A Team movie, after they’ve set up that the team are in Frankfurt, there is a random 2-second shot of Cologne Cathedral and the Hauptbahnhof from the air?


day made: 8:15am

March 9, 2011

Posh looking old bird in a big, expensive Audi, driving around a roundabout singing along to Jessie J’s “Price tag”?

Priceless.


cambridge folk festival 2011 – line up leaked

February 28, 2011

So I have my ticket. My LONESOME SINGULAR boredofjam ticket. Yes, folks, even Wifey and BigBlueSturge are abandoning me, preferring instead to take their hideously beautiful family to somewhere that hideously beautiful families go.

Anyway, to cut a long story short (and it was tediously long before I deleted it from the post), I broke into the Cambridge Folk Festival offices and discovered the list of artists playing this year. I present it, below:

JONESY AND COMPANY. As cool and sweet as a pickled cucumber that’s been set on fire, JONESY AND COMPANY play pop music, but one of them once saw someone reading a book on hurdy gurdies, so we let them in this year. They hope to reach the charts sometime in 2015 and have been featured in passing conversation on Radcliffe and Maconie‘s show (off air, whilst a record was playing).
LOUDENKOPF. This year we welcome Germany’s award winning 11-piece traditional party folk music band to the festival. LOUDENKOPF have this year won every single prize at the Deutsche Musik Radioen Zwei Gefolken Awards.
ELIZA CARTHY. Natch.
MOSES AND THE COMMANDMENTS. Reformed after a 2 year split where each member followed their own projects (mainly on a till in Tescos), MOSES AND THE COMMANDMENTS were originally formed after five other bands spilt up so they could all shag each other with no hard feelings. No Hard Feelings disbanded the following week sighting “a burning sensation” when they “peed”. (Suspect these are musical terms? – Ed)
ALL MY FACEBOOK FRIENDS. AMFF are, this year, sponsored by the DHSS. At least it certainly seems that way. No particular emphasis on putting anything out other than their EP, “Oh god Jeremie Kylie!!!! His so cool!!!LMAO!!”. We welcome them to the club tent. Although we suspect they think it’s a tent for clubbing. Gie ’em a squeezebox and see what happens. It’ll be like a backward kitten playing Space Harrier.
DOUGLAS ADAMS’S(tm) FOLKIE’S GUIDE TO THE FESTIVAL. Specially commissioned by someone who never met the man, but had money and no shame, the FOLKIE’S GUIDE is sure to be an ironic masterpiece. Take that as you will.
SUPER-MEGA-DOOPER-GROUPO-FANTASTICO. A one-off performance from all of this year’s bands, groups, acts, singers and musicians. Please note: The audience will be seated on the stage and the band will take up the rest of the Stage 1 tent.
CAR SICK DOG. These guys first came to light in 1954 singing Bob Dylan songs in a Calypso style. These days, despite being on their 27th line-up, they still sing their traditional songs, including covers from Lady Gaga’s latest opus.
iFOLK. This year’s iFOLK is the best iFOLK ever! So easy, it just works. Please note, in order to see iFOLK, you must pay £600, sign over your right to actually hear and see it, and allow iFOLK to enter your home and remove anything from your house they don’t think you should have. No refunds. Next year’s iFOLK is the best iFOLK ever, much better than that shitty fuckin’ 2011 iFOLK, I mean who the fuck bought one of those? Losers! Get this one, it’s got much better stuff. You like better stuff, yes? That’s because you’re cool. £600 is only £600. YOU CANNOT ATTEND iFOLK IF YOU HAVE EVER LISTENED TO ANY OTHER MUSIC IN YOUR LIFE.
SIMONE AND GARTH UNKEL. The most famous folk group to ever rock up at Cambridge, SIMONE AND GARTH UNKEL had a stream of hits in the south-Lancashire folk clubs back in the 1960s. They once played near Rochdale. They have a unique take on most things, including personal hygiene. Join them, just not too close, eh?

So there you have it. A quick run down of some of the acts at this year’s Folk Festival. It’s bound to be a brilliant time. Do say “Hi” if you spot me, alone.

PS. Did I mention the “alone” thing?


films are circular

February 28, 2011

Well, DVDs are, aren’t they? See what happened to me, totally by chance, this last weekend:

1. Watch Hollywoodland (Adrien Brody, Ben Affleck)
2. Watch Lonesome Jim (Casey Affleck, Mary Kay Place)
3. Watch City of Ember (Mary Kay Place, Bill Murray)
4. Watch The Darjeeling Limited (Bill Murray, Adrien Brody)
5. Sudden realisation that I shouldn’t watch The Brothers Bloom (Adrien Brody).

Afterwards I got very drunk.