cambridge folk festival 2011 – line up leaked

February 28, 2011

So I have my ticket. My LONESOME SINGULAR boredofjam ticket. Yes, folks, even Wifey and BigBlueSturge are abandoning me, preferring instead to take their hideously beautiful family to somewhere that hideously beautiful families go.

Anyway, to cut a long story short (and it was tediously long before I deleted it from the post), I broke into the Cambridge Folk Festival offices and discovered the list of artists playing this year. I present it, below:

JONESY AND COMPANY. As cool and sweet as a pickled cucumber that’s been set on fire, JONESY AND COMPANY play pop music, but one of them once saw someone reading a book on hurdy gurdies, so we let them in this year. They hope to reach the charts sometime in 2015 and have been featured in passing conversation on Radcliffe and Maconie‘s show (off air, whilst a record was playing).
LOUDENKOPF. This year we welcome Germany’s award winning 11-piece traditional party folk music band to the festival. LOUDENKOPF have this year won every single prize at the Deutsche Musik Radioen Zwei Gefolken Awards.
ELIZA CARTHY. Natch.
MOSES AND THE COMMANDMENTS. Reformed after a 2 year split where each member followed their own projects (mainly on a till in Tescos), MOSES AND THE COMMANDMENTS were originally formed after five other bands spilt up so they could all shag each other with no hard feelings. No Hard Feelings disbanded the following week sighting “a burning sensation” when they “peed”. (Suspect these are musical terms? – Ed)
ALL MY FACEBOOK FRIENDS. AMFF are, this year, sponsored by the DHSS. At least it certainly seems that way. No particular emphasis on putting anything out other than their EP, “Oh god Jeremie Kylie!!!! His so cool!!!LMAO!!”. We welcome them to the club tent. Although we suspect they think it’s a tent for clubbing. Gie ’em a squeezebox and see what happens. It’ll be like a backward kitten playing Space Harrier.
DOUGLAS ADAMS’S(tm) FOLKIE’S GUIDE TO THE FESTIVAL. Specially commissioned by someone who never met the man, but had money and no shame, the FOLKIE’S GUIDE is sure to be an ironic masterpiece. Take that as you will.
SUPER-MEGA-DOOPER-GROUPO-FANTASTICO. A one-off performance from all of this year’s bands, groups, acts, singers and musicians. Please note: The audience will be seated on the stage and the band will take up the rest of the Stage 1 tent.
CAR SICK DOG. These guys first came to light in 1954 singing Bob Dylan songs in a Calypso style. These days, despite being on their 27th line-up, they still sing their traditional songs, including covers from Lady Gaga’s latest opus.
iFOLK. This year’s iFOLK is the best iFOLK ever! So easy, it just works. Please note, in order to see iFOLK, you must pay £600, sign over your right to actually hear and see it, and allow iFOLK to enter your home and remove anything from your house they don’t think you should have. No refunds. Next year’s iFOLK is the best iFOLK ever, much better than that shitty fuckin’ 2011 iFOLK, I mean who the fuck bought one of those? Losers! Get this one, it’s got much better stuff. You like better stuff, yes? That’s because you’re cool. £600 is only £600. YOU CANNOT ATTEND iFOLK IF YOU HAVE EVER LISTENED TO ANY OTHER MUSIC IN YOUR LIFE.
SIMONE AND GARTH UNKEL. The most famous folk group to ever rock up at Cambridge, SIMONE AND GARTH UNKEL had a stream of hits in the south-Lancashire folk clubs back in the 1960s. They once played near Rochdale. They have a unique take on most things, including personal hygiene. Join them, just not too close, eh?

So there you have it. A quick run down of some of the acts at this year’s Folk Festival. It’s bound to be a brilliant time. Do say “Hi” if you spot me, alone.

PS. Did I mention the “alone” thing?

Advertisements

bellowhead song generator

December 15, 2009

In a selfless act of writing quite a long, complicated and blindingly funny entry for the 7 Bellowhead fans who have internet access on their hurdie-gurdies, I present:

The All New 2009 10-Point Bellowhead Song Creator

Section 1: The Lyric
(Fill in all of the below)

1.  Choose a name (surname, first name combo):
2.  Are you Old or Young?:
3.  Are you happy or sad?:
4.  Pick a profession:
5.  Pick a town (preferably on the coast, or in Norfolk):
6.  Pick a mode of transport:
7.  Pick an object or person your character would desire:
8.  Walk or Run?:
9.  Pick somewhere to go:
10. The name or profession of your arch nemesis:
11. A type of beverage:
12. A fate:

Section 2: The Orchestration
(Pick 3 from here)

1.  Wah wah pedal on bazouki
2.  Orchestral hit
3.  Funky drum break
4.  Sudden tempo slow-down
5.  Apparent band chaos resolving back into tunefulness
6.  A household object/child’s toy used as an instrument
7.  Sousaphone solo
8.  Random flattened notes from horn section
9.  Harmonies
10. Violin stab

Section 3: The Theatrics
(Pick 3 from here)

1.  Everyone wears a pink tie
2.  Everyone wears an ear-ring
3.  Pointing instrument to draw attention to particular section of band
4.  Complaining there’s not enough room on stage
5.  Vertical dancing (jumping)
6.  Using an Olde Englishe-style voice
7.  Playing ‘statues’ for one bar
8.  Smoke machine
9.  Large flowers sticking out of instruments
10. Singing in a drunken manner
11. Running across the stage behind the drumkit
12. Suddenly leaving the stage

And Now:

For your Exclusive Bellowhead Song, fill in the gaps using your answers from above:

Introduction: <Orchestration option 1>

Oh I am <young/old> <name>
A <happy/sad> <profession> am I
And in my life as a <profession>
I find a little <beverage> goes down well of a day!
A little <beverage> goes down well!

But wait! Here comes my one desire
The thing I desirest most
A pretty little <object of desire>
The prettiest thing from here to the Northern coast

<Orchestration option 2> whilst <Theatrics option 1>

Oh come with me, oh pretty <object of desire>
And together we will be
Away on a <mode of transport> we will go
From here to <somewhere to go> we will go, you and me

And so my <object of desire> set forth and <walked/ran> away
And off we went to <somewhere to go> a life we planned to make
When suddenly upon us came <nemesis>, a swarthy sort of cove
And charmed by lovely <object of desire>, an axe between us drove

<Orchestration option 3>

I went a took a drink of <beverage>
And then I took some more
My <object of desire> was gone
So I took drinks three and four
But then I thought quite long and hard
’bout <nemesis>‘s evil tricks
And so called out to the barman
And had drinks five and six!

<Theatrics option 2> <Orchestration option 1>

Ashamed am I at drinks seven and eight
I worked out <nemesis>‘s terrible fate
Would I kill and stab and murder?
Hang him high from up above?
Make him walk the plank?
Drown in a tank? All for my true love.

<Theatrics option 3>

But no my dear old friends, my plan was simple
All I’d do is <fate> my nemesis til he was dead
and show them that
<young/old> <name> should not be messed with
And they’d die with jus in bello in their head.

<Theatrics 1, 2 and 3 all at the same time> <One random Orchestration from the list>


cambridge folk festival line up 2

May 22, 2009

Last year’s festival was one of the best yet, however this year we’ve got a treat for all you people hopeless enough to sit on the telephone all day last Sunday.

The organisers and sponsors of this year’s The Cooperative’s The Cambridge Folk Festival are proud to announce the following additions to the already extensive and eclectic line up:

SCHRÖDINGER’S CAP
Winners of last year’s South-East Birmingham Roots Breakthrough award, these lively Brummies will get your feet tapping through mindless threats of violence toward your person, or those you know. Their crowd-pleasing double-A sider of “We know where you live”/”Our Mates, Our Crowbars” will make you rush back home and miss the rest of the Festival. They will be both appearing and not appearing on Thursday night.

SEMI_COLON
Formed from the remaining original members of 1940s blues band FULL TRACT, Semi_Colon play lightening-fast rhythm and blues, mainly because their bags need changing regularly. Controversial in the 1970s following their massed lower-gut removal operations in support of people with “glandular” issues,  Semi_Colon are now more laid back than ever (or as much as their commode chairs allow).
Focussing on themes such as the indignity of growing old, aren’t those nurses looking younger, and how come a loaf of bread costs about 40 shillings these days, the Semis will play their set on a rubber mat, just in case of dire need.

LOST PROPERTY
Usually accompanied by a sousaphone, a double-bass, some timpani and a grand piano, the Losts raise high roofs even higher! This year, though, following a time at Heathrow’s arrivals lounge filling in forms to get their instruments back, Lost Property will be singing a cappella.

FRANK IFIELD’S HALF UNCLES
If yodelling be the food of love, this is your night for a slap-up meal, Bro’. These award winning, title holding and exceptionally talented Half Uncles will soothe any sore heads with dramatic soundscapes produced by four uniquely talented men. And a gallon of beer each. Stephen Fry is said to be a fan (look out for him, he may be standing next to you in the queue for the toilet!).
See them after the Festival on The One Show with that lovely bird on the sofa.

THE UNDREACHEEVERS
Achingly beautiful songs make up literally .5% of the repertoire of the ‘Eevers. Brought together by svengali figurine Richard Thompson, the only man in music to make a guitar die from boredom, the band are brought to the stage whilst still asleep in their beds or whilst watching Hollyoaks.
Interviews with Dazza and Yo-Bizzle (Brian), the band are very keen to expand their expertise in COD5 and will demonstrate their l33t 5k1llz live on stage by throwing an XBOX-360 controller through £10,000-worth of giant plasma screen before declaring that their parents are “bloody bastards” and that they “never get nuffink nice no more” before “goin for a faaaaag ain I?”.