dear edf

March 7, 2011

Fuck you and your fixed daily charge. WHAT THE FUCK?!

Fuck you and your letter that arrived today, (I paraphrase) “from March 2 we will be putting the prices up ahahahaha”. It’s MARCH THE FUCKING SEVENTH YOU CUNTS.

Fuck you and your “the price of buying electricity and gas has been going up”. No it hasn’t.

Oh. And did I mention… Fuck you.

are bt a bunch of fibbing whatsits? you decide.

July 11, 2010

Friends, I offer you the following evidence from BT’s latest advert featuring the gurning ginger idiot who left the sitcom “My Family” to extend his career and, er, be in BT adverts.

The message I am taking away from this advert, entitled “Computer experts” (heh), is that if a video on a website doesn’t display in a timely manner, the only reason is that the broadband provided to your house is at fault. All other explanations are pooh-poohed by Kris Thingumy. “Let’s go to my house!” he declares and they have jolly japes whilst the narrator tells us all that 20Mb* broadband is the way forward (and BT’s is the best).

Last night, I had the misfortune to watch ITV1.

I don’t like ITV1. It’s like Channel 5, but with pretensions to being the BBC. At least Channel 5 don’t pretend. The best they ever want to be is ITV4 and don’t try any harder.  However, the World Cup was on and as my team, the Germans, were playing, I figured I should swallow my pride and put up with Adrian Chiles’ fat face and an advert break every two minutes.

It was during one of these all-too-frequent advert breaks that the Gold-Blend-wannabe advert came on. So I tweeted my disgust at its deceit:

Alf Fairweather boredofjam

BT Broadband. Tell me how you can make the internet work faster if the service you are trying to view is overloaded? Like the ITV play[-er]?

Which is a fact. How can a server designed to serve, say, 100 people at a time, possibly manage to serve 200 people better even if those people have BT Broadband (running at 20Mb)*. It doesn’t matter how fast the end product to your house is. If the thing you’re looking at can’t cope with the demand, you will not see what is on there.

Watch the advert. BT Kris says (and I paraphrase) “No no, dumbass, it’s your broadband! It’s stinky like Adrian Chiles’ socks.”

Let’s face it folks, BT Kris is wrong. Still, I felt happy that I’d told BT Broadband off, and went to bed.

[fade out] [fade in]

I was amused this morning to discover this gem from @BTCare:

@boredofjam If it is overloaded it has reached capacity and you would not be able to make it run faster. Try it again at a later time. about 7 hours ago via Debatescape

Well, that seems to confirm what I was saying. So simply pointed this out:

Alf Fairweather boredofjam

@BTCare: I know this, but your latest advert shown during the World Cup last night appears not to.

A few moments later, I get this:

@boredofjam It doesn’t matter how fast your Broadband is if the web site you are trying to connect to is overloaded then it will be slower about 6 hours ago via Debatescape

And then! This:

@boredofjam This is the website which is slower not your Broadband speed. about 6 hours ago via Debatescape

It’s magic! @BTcare agree with me.

So, the question we have to ask ourselves this evening is, are BT lying to us in their advert? Yes or No.

By the way, BT, how’s that thing going with Phorm? You know, the illegal interception of private individuals’ data?

*Reader, please be aware that 20Mb is not what you think it is. See how that “b” in “Mb” is in lower case? This means that it stands for the computer word “bit”, and there are 8 of those fellows to a byte. Therefore a 20Mb connection is going to be 8 times slower than you think it is, and is actually running at 2.5MB (megabytes).  Of course, this is in ideal conditions and won’t be reflected by the service to your door, but this will be glossed over and mainly ignored by your provider  – no matter who they are.

animal politics

April 20, 2010

The local and general elections are accelerating toward us as we sit here and study our belly-buttons, dunk shortbread fingers into cups of tea, and watch Corrie on ITV.

Here in Ipswich we also have some election stuff going on, but as usual we’re too concerned at allowing fucking monolith supermarket stores to build yet another one of their poisonous outlets in our small town. Here’s some information on why we shouldn’t have The World’s Most Massive Tesco Store Ever built on a one-way system just outside the town centre. Apart, obviously, from the amount of traffic that this would bring to an area which already struggles to cope, the environmental impact and the fact it’s fucking Tescos. Oh, and the Green Party have an interesting and less ranty article on it, too.

Unfortunately, it would seem that the crazy Liberal/Tory councillors in the Borough Council have enjoyed the hospitality of the Cohens too much, allowing the redevelopment to go ahead, and what lovely new cars most of them have outside their houses. Allegedly.

What a sad day for this sad little town. Not only do we get another Tesco store shitting all over the small business economy of fair Ipswich, we are also going to be treated to yet more apartments. Obviously no-one has considered that little more than half a mile down the road is the Docklands redevelopment which is stacked full of flats, most of them empty.

But all this is by-the-by.

The fellow who has represented Ipswich in Parliament for the last few years, Chris Mole, is looking to get re-elected. He is very on-message with his party. You decide whether that’s a good thing or not.

However, there is a glut of signs with VOTE MOLE written on them in large, Labour letters around the town. These hurt my poor eyes. My antidote to this particular curse is here.

I wouldn’t suggest printing it out and gluing it over the existing Chris Mole signs.

(The badger picture used in the PDF, for those who don’t know, is stolen from off of Weebl. Go here for the original truly annoying thing).

airlines willing to risk your life in exchange for your cash

April 18, 2010

It comes as no surprise to a cynical old fert like me that after only five days of there not being an aeroplane in the skies, the main operators have got itchy shareholders.

Despite all of the initial blah from them about how they weren’t going to put planes up in the air whilst there was the chance a piece of microscopic silica could get into the engine of a plane, it seems that despite there being no let up in Eyjafjallajoekull’s* output, and the now legendary ‘ash cloud’ still being very much lodged over the UK, it is perfectly safe to send planes up in the air.

These are planes carrying you, your relatives, your pets, your stuff.

These are planes being sent up in the sky by people on the ground in safe little offices, who just need to keep the board happy and the shareholders paid well. After all, that champagne reception later this year when the financial results are announced isn’t going to pay for itself, is it?

It’s amazing how all the fluffy PR goes out of the window when big companies start to lose money due to an “act of god”.

I wonder whether they have sympathy for the people whose travel insurance isn’t going to compensate them? I wonder how soon the “desperate” and “cash strapped” air travel industry goes to the government and asks for money to help them out?

You know what I say? I say fuck ’em. Them, and the insurance companies who would rather see people stranded or not be able to to take their vacations because of this problem.

Hopefully they’ll get theirs soon enough. You know, just like how we showed those dreadful bankers who took all that risk with money and bankrupted the country… oh, wait a minute.

*Now known as Volcano Anagram

awards season is here

March 27, 2010

Reader, you will not have failed to notice that there is the smell of gold in the air. People all over the world are out there winning awards for being the best at what they do (or, in the case of some, not being the worst at what they do).

This has led me along the path of jealousy. For frickin’ years I’ve been doing this blog, and not a single glimmer of recognition has it ever received. So bad has this become I now cheer when I get crawled by the Googlebots on the web.

This terrible oversight has to end. And so I’ve decided to invent awards for the blog. Yes – make them up, lie, deceive. That sort of thing. You can see one over there, in the column to the right. However, I’m sure you, my fair, beautiful, sexy reader, can come up with more for me. All you have to do is to come up with an icon and a description for the award and I’ll add it to the medals wall.

Add them to the comments, or put them in the post. Or fax me. Whatever, hop to it.

why 3d tv will fail, annotated guide below:

January 11, 2010

1. You look like a twat wearing those stupid fucking 3D glasses.

new year greetings

December 31, 2009

Mes amis boredofjammians

Have a splendid new year celebration. I wish only that I could be at your houses celebrating with you (mainly as I’m assuming you have free whisky).

In 2010, we’ll be:

Living on the moon
All motoring around in flying cars
Wearing silver jumpsuits
Eating food from little foil packets (to be fair we do already, it’s called “take away”)
Employing  robotic home helpers
Teleporting everywhere (except Cronenberg fans)
Solving the energy crisis — and more! Just hang around to find out what!

(Shit, that’s “The Jetsons”, ain’t it?)

We will not be:

Held to ransom by our increasingly arrogant governmentalists
Told that for our freedom to continue, we need to have some freedoms taken away
Taxed beyond tax. And beyond!
Seeing energy and food bills increase
Listening to yet more shite from Simon Cowell and his chums
Falling back into recession
Spending more billions keeping bankers in nice suits and cigars
Seeing Take That finally reunite with David Walliams
Seeing fuckwit voters in the UK decide that extreme right wing candidates are what this country needs
Relying on the NHS to be clean

Now fuck off 2009, you were a total waste of my time.

cambridge folk festival line up 2

May 22, 2009

Last year’s festival was one of the best yet, however this year we’ve got a treat for all you people hopeless enough to sit on the telephone all day last Sunday.

The organisers and sponsors of this year’s The Cooperative’s The Cambridge Folk Festival are proud to announce the following additions to the already extensive and eclectic line up:

Winners of last year’s South-East Birmingham Roots Breakthrough award, these lively Brummies will get your feet tapping through mindless threats of violence toward your person, or those you know. Their crowd-pleasing double-A sider of “We know where you live”/”Our Mates, Our Crowbars” will make you rush back home and miss the rest of the Festival. They will be both appearing and not appearing on Thursday night.

Formed from the remaining original members of 1940s blues band FULL TRACT, Semi_Colon play lightening-fast rhythm and blues, mainly because their bags need changing regularly. Controversial in the 1970s following their massed lower-gut removal operations in support of people with “glandular” issues,  Semi_Colon are now more laid back than ever (or as much as their commode chairs allow).
Focussing on themes such as the indignity of growing old, aren’t those nurses looking younger, and how come a loaf of bread costs about 40 shillings these days, the Semis will play their set on a rubber mat, just in case of dire need.

Usually accompanied by a sousaphone, a double-bass, some timpani and a grand piano, the Losts raise high roofs even higher! This year, though, following a time at Heathrow’s arrivals lounge filling in forms to get their instruments back, Lost Property will be singing a cappella.

If yodelling be the food of love, this is your night for a slap-up meal, Bro’. These award winning, title holding and exceptionally talented Half Uncles will soothe any sore heads with dramatic soundscapes produced by four uniquely talented men. And a gallon of beer each. Stephen Fry is said to be a fan (look out for him, he may be standing next to you in the queue for the toilet!).
See them after the Festival on The One Show with that lovely bird on the sofa.

Achingly beautiful songs make up literally .5% of the repertoire of the ‘Eevers. Brought together by svengali figurine Richard Thompson, the only man in music to make a guitar die from boredom, the band are brought to the stage whilst still asleep in their beds or whilst watching Hollyoaks.
Interviews with Dazza and Yo-Bizzle (Brian), the band are very keen to expand their expertise in COD5 and will demonstrate their l33t 5k1llz live on stage by throwing an XBOX-360 controller through £10,000-worth of giant plasma screen before declaring that their parents are “bloody bastards” and that they “never get nuffink nice no more” before “goin for a faaaaag ain I?”.

lines from the new poet laureate

May 12, 2009

I’ve been given a new job
usually it belongs to one of those un-women with a nob
just like everything else they
ejaculate their bitter wars across their oppressive world
a depressive world, no longer an impressive world

Given a new job by Lizzie Regina
Used to know a girl nicknamed Lizzie Vagina
She was in luff with
The muff did
All the girls at Uni
Except, guessed it, me

Given a new job
Will write when I like
signed: Carol Ann Duffy (determined poet dyke)

swine flu (to the tune of “sex bomb” by mousse t and tom jones

May 1, 2009

Swine flu, swine flu
I’ve got swine flu
Got some H1N1
And I don’t know what to do
Swine flu, swine flu
I’ve got swine flu
Gonna cough and splutter
Gonna pass it on to you


Further to this, there are now reports of further sicknesses about to hit the world:
Fly flu
Flea flu
Trains Syndrome (Choo-choo flu)
Potato disease (Tuber-culosis)
Teacher flu (aka the Academic Pandemic)
Jetlag (flew flu)