Please excuse some of the grammar and mis-spellings. I was in a hurry. However, I present today’s advert for our team’s cake sale in aid of UK charity Children In Need:
Hello everybody and welcome to the Synod.
I’d like to introduce our new Archbishop who is joining us on a six month rolling contract.
Justin is here to help us transition from The Church of England to our new brand, British Jesus. Our slogan has just been approved, and I’m pleased to unveil it as “Knocking Nails Into The Wrists Of Society”.
So I have my ticket. My LONESOME SINGULAR boredofjam ticket. Yes, folks, even Wifey and BigBlueSturge are abandoning me, preferring instead to take their hideously beautiful family to somewhere that hideously beautiful families go.
Anyway, to cut a long story short (and it was tediously long before I deleted it from the post), I broke into the Cambridge Folk Festival offices and discovered the list of artists playing this year. I present it, below:
JONESY AND COMPANY. As cool and sweet as a pickled cucumber that’s been set on fire, JONESY AND COMPANY play pop music, but one of them once saw someone reading a book on hurdy gurdies, so we let them in this year. They hope to reach the charts sometime in 2015 and have been featured in passing conversation on Radcliffe and Maconie‘s show (off air, whilst a record was playing).
LOUDENKOPF. This year we welcome Germany’s award winning 11-piece traditional party folk music band to the festival. LOUDENKOPF have this year won every single prize at the Deutsche Musik Radioen Zwei Gefolken Awards.
ELIZA CARTHY. Natch.
MOSES AND THE COMMANDMENTS. Reformed after a 2 year split where each member followed their own projects (mainly on a till in Tescos), MOSES AND THE COMMANDMENTS were originally formed after five other bands spilt up so they could all shag each other with no hard feelings. No Hard Feelings disbanded the following week sighting “a burning sensation” when they “peed”. (Suspect these are musical terms? – Ed)
ALL MY FACEBOOK FRIENDS. AMFF are, this year, sponsored by the DHSS. At least it certainly seems that way. No particular emphasis on putting anything out other than their EP, “Oh god Jeremie Kylie!!!! His so cool!!!LMAO!!”. We welcome them to the club tent. Although we suspect they think it’s a tent for clubbing. Gie ’em a squeezebox and see what happens. It’ll be like a backward kitten playing Space Harrier.
DOUGLAS ADAMS’S(tm) FOLKIE’S GUIDE TO THE FESTIVAL. Specially commissioned by someone who never met the man, but had money and no shame, the FOLKIE’S GUIDE is sure to be an ironic masterpiece. Take that as you will.
SUPER-MEGA-DOOPER-GROUPO-FANTASTICO. A one-off performance from all of this year’s bands, groups, acts, singers and musicians. Please note: The audience will be seated on the stage and the band will take up the rest of the Stage 1 tent.
CAR SICK DOG. These guys first came to light in 1954 singing Bob Dylan songs in a Calypso style. These days, despite being on their 27th line-up, they still sing their traditional songs, including covers from Lady Gaga’s latest opus.
iFOLK. This year’s iFOLK is the best iFOLK ever! So easy, it just works. Please note, in order to see iFOLK, you must pay £600, sign over your right to actually hear and see it, and allow iFOLK to enter your home and remove anything from your house they don’t think you should have. No refunds. Next year’s iFOLK is the best iFOLK ever, much better than that shitty fuckin’ 2011 iFOLK, I mean who the fuck bought one of those? Losers! Get this one, it’s got much better stuff. You like better stuff, yes? That’s because you’re cool. £600 is only £600. YOU CANNOT ATTEND iFOLK IF YOU HAVE EVER LISTENED TO ANY OTHER MUSIC IN YOUR LIFE.
SIMONE AND GARTH UNKEL. The most famous folk group to ever rock up at Cambridge, SIMONE AND GARTH UNKEL had a stream of hits in the south-Lancashire folk clubs back in the 1960s. They once played near Rochdale. They have a unique take on most things, including personal hygiene. Join them, just not too close, eh?
So there you have it. A quick run down of some of the acts at this year’s Folk Festival. It’s bound to be a brilliant time. Do say “Hi” if you spot me, alone.
PS. Did I mention the “alone” thing?
This year’s boredofjam ecards are here.
Enjoy ’em, yo? (it’s a PDF, be warned)
Further to my Twitter feed, I completed a song, entitled:
(Lenin and McCarthorse)
Dear Sir or Madam, I’ve erased my site
I need it back, It took me hours to write,
If the boss finds out, I’ll be out of here
And I need a job, and I want to be an intranet writer.
Although all talent’s absent, I have found a niche
Writing crappy copy, which I self-publish
But I clicked a button, now the whole lot’s gone
It’s an easy job, and I want to stay an intranet writer
Intranet writer (Intranet writer)
I get one hundred hits, and some days even more
From my friends in sales on the second floor
And I’ve told them when they should refresh the page
It’s a lovely life, when you’re falsifying intranet hit rates
All my writing’s stolen from a press release
Which I’ve hacked about just how I please
And my spelling’s wrong, and my grammar too
I’ve an easy job, cos I’m the only one with editor access
Intranet writer (Intranet writer)