my local paper doesn’t want me to tell you the truth

March 13, 2017

Perhaps that’s a naughty headline really, however all my comments seem to be moderated away to a dark place at the moment due to “other”.

http://www.ipswichstar.co.uk/news/new_vision_for_ipswich_cornhill_brings_sculpture_and_water_feature_to_site_1_4925751

The sheer, stunning coincidence that two major big money investments in Ipswich are revealed within a couple of days of each other, and an election just around the corner on 4th May. Hopefully the people of Ipswich can see past the hyperbole and spin to which we are being subjected. My mind is spinning as to the possibilities of the next few days. Will the Borough discover the goose that lays golden eggs? Ben Gummer will probably announce he’s found a field filled with magical unicorns (likely to lie across all the proposed routes of the northern bypass), and the Anglia LEP will suddenly spot that East Anglia is more than just Norwich. Admittedly they are all fantasies – particularly the last one – but this is the sort of nonsense that we as a town have put up with for years. Do you recall that this very paper declared on the day that the logo changed they would hold our local representatives to task over nonsense like this? This is our money. These are people who are responsible to us, and yet they fritter away millions of pounds on pretty drawings and press conferences, then plead poverty every March when the Council Tax bills come in. Maybe Mr Gummer can help his local constituents out in his role as Paymaster General by clearly explaining how his government can justify the massive rises in business tax which are more of a threat to a town like Ipswich and its surrounding villages, than not having some concrete statues on the Cornhill. I’d like to read that in the Star. Perhaps they could send Paul Geater to ask the important questions? Remember who it is that is wasting your money in these times of supposed austerity, and kick them out in May. I have the greatest of respect for Roger Fern as Mayor, but I welcome the announcement that Sarah Barber will soon be taking over. I have no particular political preference for, but my hope is that someone young and enthusiastic can help drag this town into the light and make local government see sense. Ipswich is not capable of competing with Cambridge, Norwich, or even Bury. Once the  idea that we can is out of everyone’s minds and we can develop to become our own centre for shopping and socialising, we can start to shine. Ipswich has been disregarded by the County Council for years and pie-in-the-sky plans for public spaces like this don’t help, especially when it seems like it was handed out to someone’s friends to design.

When growing up I was often told to “keep it simple, stupid”. What Ipswich needs to do is to follow this oft ignored mantra. If you want to attract people into the centre of the town, soften it. Ipswich is a town with more parkland per head than anywhere else in the country, so why is there no greenery in the town centre? All I can see here is concrete which will rapidly become outdated and look tired. Simplify it, soften the area, make it pleasant to sit in and for people to admire Ipswich’s historic architecture. As people have commented, add trees, add shrubs, add benches so people can take time. Keep it simple, keep it manageable, make it pleasant. If you put up concrete “celebratory columns” that people can drunkenly attempt to climb then people will drunkenly attempt to climb it (and if they can’t climb it then they will use it when they are ‘caught short’ in between visits to pubs). Maybe I could get behind the scheme if one of these concrete lumps had a neon sign on it that spelled “The Mill” and pieces fell off it in the lightest of winds? Sure, flatten the area so that it can be used for outside performance, art, theatre, or small concerts, but don’t waste a further £3m on something that will need to be constantly checked up on and repaired. Think Arras Place, but with actual parking restrictions. We can all remember what the thugs of this town decided to do some of the Pigs Gone Wild statues, this would be a playground for them. And forget about putting the market there. We can’t have the area smelling of that fish stall and covered in the filth that market day brings. Ipswich is a mediaeval town and its roads are narrow. How about some ‘outside the box’ thinking and setting up an indoor market somewhere? If only we had a giant, mainly empty department store in town with plenty of room for its current occupants and more small, independent retailers who could do with some town centre exposure in a shared area. It could come with easy access for pick ups, parking and deliveries, and would drive people to an end of the town that needs reviving? If only…


maths for this week*

June 22, 2010

Courtesy of BigBlueSturge:

Cruel budget today = Deeply discontented country
Cruel budget today + Football win tomorrow = Mildly grumbly country
Cruel budget today + Football loss tomorrow = Riots

  • Does your country embarrass you as much as ours embarrasses us? Send a comment and we’ll organise a fight in the car park behind Asdas to find out which country is the most hopeless!

*Add 20% VAT from 1st January 2011.


animal politics

April 20, 2010

The local and general elections are accelerating toward us as we sit here and study our belly-buttons, dunk shortbread fingers into cups of tea, and watch Corrie on ITV.

Here in Ipswich we also have some election stuff going on, but as usual we’re too concerned at allowing fucking monolith supermarket stores to build yet another one of their poisonous outlets in our small town. Here’s some information on why we shouldn’t have The World’s Most Massive Tesco Store Ever built on a one-way system just outside the town centre. Apart, obviously, from the amount of traffic that this would bring to an area which already struggles to cope, the environmental impact and the fact it’s fucking Tescos. Oh, and the Green Party have an interesting and less ranty article on it, too.

Unfortunately, it would seem that the crazy Liberal/Tory councillors in the Borough Council have enjoyed the hospitality of the Cohens too much, allowing the redevelopment to go ahead, and what lovely new cars most of them have outside their houses. Allegedly.

What a sad day for this sad little town. Not only do we get another Tesco store shitting all over the small business economy of fair Ipswich, we are also going to be treated to yet more apartments. Obviously no-one has considered that little more than half a mile down the road is the Docklands redevelopment which is stacked full of flats, most of them empty.

But all this is by-the-by.

The fellow who has represented Ipswich in Parliament for the last few years, Chris Mole, is looking to get re-elected. He is very on-message with his party. You decide whether that’s a good thing or not.

However, there is a glut of signs with VOTE MOLE written on them in large, Labour letters around the town. These hurt my poor eyes. My antidote to this particular curse is here.

I wouldn’t suggest printing it out and gluing it over the existing Chris Mole signs.

(The badger picture used in the PDF, for those who don’t know, is stolen from off of Weebl. Go here for the original truly annoying thing).


is that an erec^H^H^Hlection in your pocket?

March 30, 2010

It’s due to get horribly political in the UK for the next few weeks, what with a General Election on its way (supposedly, although as yet, Gordo hasn’t had the Ed Balls to announce when it’ll be) (d’ya see what I did there?).

In order that you, dear EnglishBritish Reader, are prepared for the onslaught of weasel words and too-good-to-be-true promises which will fall upon your ears in the next six weeks or so, hop over here for a heads-up in knowing where you are on the political scale.

If you want to know more about a particular party, go to their website, or email for a manifesto. Phone up the candidates and get them over for a cuppa so you can ask important questions. They might even like to take you out for a pint at your local, you never know. Remember though, don’t believe the hype, and don’t feed them after midnight (or something like that).

So, come the revolution [Insert date here please – Ed], get out there and vote. Don’t let someone take your democracy from you. Make your mark with confidence on the day. And if you really can’t, just turn up to your local poling station and take a shit in the voting booth*.

It’s probably going to be a very close run thing, and it’s vital that everyone does their part to remind those in Parliament that they are put there to represent us, the British public, and not to fill their bank accounts with “expenses”, or to get a free kitchen for their niece’s new house official second residence.

Best of luck to all candidates, but better luck to all us voters.

*Actually, don’t.


new year greetings

December 31, 2009

Mes amis boredofjammians

Have a splendid new year celebration. I wish only that I could be at your houses celebrating with you (mainly as I’m assuming you have free whisky).

In 2010, we’ll be:

Living on the moon
All motoring around in flying cars
Wearing silver jumpsuits
Eating food from little foil packets (to be fair we do already, it’s called “take away”)
Employing  robotic home helpers
Teleporting everywhere (except Cronenberg fans)
Solving the energy crisis — and more! Just hang around to find out what!

(Shit, that’s “The Jetsons”, ain’t it?)

We will not be:

Held to ransom by our increasingly arrogant governmentalists
Told that for our freedom to continue, we need to have some freedoms taken away
Taxed beyond tax. And beyond!
Seeing energy and food bills increase
Listening to yet more shite from Simon Cowell and his chums
Falling back into recession
Spending more billions keeping bankers in nice suits and cigars
Seeing Take That finally reunite with David Walliams
Seeing fuckwit voters in the UK decide that extreme right wing candidates are what this country needs
Relying on the NHS to be clean

Now fuck off 2009, you were a total waste of my time.


so as not to disappoint: political comment/satire for today

November 5, 2008

*sighs at inevitability of pun*

Can we now claim that the unemployed, turkey-necked, warmongering, soccer-mom obsessive, can’t-stand-straight-cos-one-foot’s-in-the-grave old fella, John McCain, age 72, suffers from electile dysfunction?