new! game of thrones text adventure

March 15, 2015

WELCOME TO THE GAME OF THRONES TEXT ADVENTURE.

Do you wish to play a MAJOR or MINOR character?
> major

You are a Major player in the Game of Thrones! Your actions will be far reaching, and your decisions will affect the lives of millions.
You are dead.
Play again?
> yes

WELCOME TO THE GAME OF THRONES TEXT ADVENTURE.

Do you wish to play a MAJOR or MINOR character?
> minor

You are dead.
Play again?

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alan bennett’s war of the worlds

October 30, 2014

Who would have thought that at the start of the twenty-first century, jealous eyes were studying us from afar, like that time we watched Fatty Thompkins from the fifth grade standing, drooling at a pie shop window for an entire afternoon?
Slowly they gathered and drew their plans against us. But us Yorkshire folk are clever and cunning, so we turned all the signposts around to point in the wrong direction. That fooled the Martian invaders.
They thought they were invading Hartlepool, but most of them ended up confused and disoriented in Scunthorpe. The place was decimated.
No one noticed.
The chances of anything coming from Mars are a little more than evens, I reckon. Knowing what we now know.
I should have put a pound on it. I’d be everso slightly up on the day.


different episode i guess

April 4, 2010

I watched the first episode of Doctor Who last night. So did IO9. Except they appear to have watched a totally different episode to the one I watched.

1. Matt Smith is not yet the Doctor. His interpretation – for this episode at least – was flimsy, but obviously it requires some time for him to bed down into it. Unlike David Tennant who spent most of his first episode in bed.
2. The story was excellent. A proper story-teller’s tale. And it didn’t involve wheelie bins eating people. This means, by default, without even trying, it was far better that RTD’s opener, “Rose”.
3. Amy’s Aunt knew the Doctor’s face because Amy has been drawing him and building little versions of him all her life. Pay attention.
4. Yer new version of the theme is just wrong.

That’ll do.

PS. Oh yes, apart from the bit which went against everything this British Institution stands for, and had The Doctor say “Who’s da maaaan?” Fuck off Moffat. The Yanks can sort themselves out for that kind of twat language if they want it. I know it was a joke and I know The Doctor said he’d never say it again, but in the entire world of acting, I’ve never seen a line said with less enthusiasm by an actor. And I’ve been to a lot of local amateur dramatics shows.


new year greetings

December 31, 2009

Mes amis boredofjammians

Have a splendid new year celebration. I wish only that I could be at your houses celebrating with you (mainly as I’m assuming you have free whisky).

In 2010, we’ll be:

Living on the moon
All motoring around in flying cars
Wearing silver jumpsuits
Eating food from little foil packets (to be fair we do already, it’s called “take away”)
Employing  robotic home helpers
Teleporting everywhere (except Cronenberg fans)
Solving the energy crisis — and more! Just hang around to find out what!

(Shit, that’s “The Jetsons”, ain’t it?)

We will not be:

Held to ransom by our increasingly arrogant governmentalists
Told that for our freedom to continue, we need to have some freedoms taken away
Taxed beyond tax. And beyond!
Seeing energy and food bills increase
Listening to yet more shite from Simon Cowell and his chums
Falling back into recession
Spending more billions keeping bankers in nice suits and cigars
Seeing Take That finally reunite with David Walliams
Seeing fuckwit voters in the UK decide that extreme right wing candidates are what this country needs
Relying on the NHS to be clean

Now fuck off 2009, you were a total waste of my time.


avatar

December 23, 2009

Right, Mr Director man, David Cameron, whatever your name is, explain this:

On a world which appears to be mainly GREEN, why are the main inhabitants MASSIVELY TALL AND OBVIOUSLY BRIGHT BLUE?

Survival of the fittest ring any bells, shit-for-brains?


thoughts on transformers

June 24, 2009

Before we get started, I should mention that I’ve not seen the new Transformers film. It is the way of quality critique-ing to not go see what you’re slagging off. I’m waiting for Buz to come along with me. Maybe next week, as I am not busy at the moment.

I thought the first Transformers film was suckier than a packet of lozenges. A confused and frantic mess, much like a Saturday in Primark, but with fewer 16 year olds wearing crop-tops and thongs pulled up above their jeans waistband.

I had no idea which were the “bad” robots and which were the “good” ones in the fight scenes, only to be told later that the “bad” robots weren’t the ones all painted in pretty colours. Hell, I must be getting old.

Indy le Beefs was about as interesting as speedway, and there was the standard and expected Michael Bay scene of some aircraft carriers. Which I believe is also in the new one.

So, if Buzza wants to go see the sequel – and they’re already talking about a third outing – we can. But I’d rather sit at home and hope for a Citroen advert.

Oh and just in case you think the world hasn’t gone mad – the new film has a robot in it with huge testicles. As you would. In a kid’s film.


star trek 11: kirk hangs off stuff

May 14, 2009

Hands up, you caught me, I like sci-fi. I grew up enjoying the Original Trek movies. I liked Next Generation Trek, and I enjoyed the first few serieses of Deep Space 9.

Most importantly – most importantly – I like Shatner. Oh, I also like Nimoy and Kelley and Nichols and, er, Sulu and Chekov and Scotty (just not to the same extent). And the other ones (if there are any other ones, I don’t pay a lot of attention to what goes on on the screen): There are spaceships (pew-pew)! There are men with laserguns (pew-pew)! There are two of the Trumpton firemen (Pugh-Pugh)!  All good.

Etcetera.

So I rather went into the new Star Trek movie wanting desperately to hate Chris Pine and his take on Kirk. He isn’t Shatner, and nor does he try to be (to his credit). He kinda gets Kirk. For about 8 minutes throughout the entire film. Right at the beginning and in the scene with the Kobyashi Maru, which is a lovely homage to The Wrath of Khan. After that he reverts to pretty boy in a big-budget movie, but not to such an extent as that kid in Transformers/Indiana Jones 4.

I thought that the movie was great. A lot of the reviewers in the press are also saying this. The Onion did something amusing on a web video about it last week. I spit on The Onion and call them simple Iowa farmboys (get me with the reference, eh?). But they’re  the ones with the big famous website, and this is just my blog. And you, my dear friend, are my only reader.

Bless you (pew-pew).

Now, they’ve restarted, rebooted and reimagined the franchise. This could go two ways: towards Planet of the Apes (the best irony of that particular heresy is the removal of the “You Blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!” line), or in the direction of The Dark Knight. I’ll not mention Batman Begins, as it was a shockingly awful waste of celluloid.

And so to “Star Trek: See Kirk Dangling Into Pits, Crevasses and Multitudinous Deep Holes”.  No kidding, we start the film off with young Jim dangling from the edge of a cliff and it goes from there. Four or five times, I lost count. I have a nasty feeling that it’s a metaphor for something, but I can’t be arsed to look for it beyond an exasperated cry of “Dear god, stop doing that, we get it, you’re alluding to something. And we don’t care.”

There are two quite outstanding performances:

  1. Karl Urban as Bones. My god, Jim, he’s got it right on the nail. Having seen him in “Doom”, where he couldn’t have acted his way beyond the “Exit” sign above the cinema door, this was some kind of freaky casting. But it works. The scenes that he and Pine share are some of the best, and Bones gets all the good lines.
  2. Sylar as Spock. Although he just comes across just on the wrong side of being a wee bit effete.
  3. Uhura in her pants.

Then there’s the part in the film where the entire cast turn to the camera and say something along the lines of: “For Our American Audience And To Make Sure We Get A Sequel, Let Us Explain That We’re Now In A Totally Different Timeline To The One That Would Have Been,” exposition, exposition, the story comes to grinding halt the music stops, everyone looks at each other, nods, takes a breath and we’re off again.

I was looking forward to seeing Simon Pegg as Scotty. I’m afraid, though, he is rubbish. And appears to believe that SHOUTING is the best way to be Scottish. Simon, Si Pegg, Si Pe: No. No darling. It’s not big and you’re not Brian Blessed. Stop it. And while you’re about it, get rid of the sidekick.

Nero, the villain of the piece, is less threatening than Evil Edna off Willo The Wisp. Maybe that’s down to Bana, the world’s most bland actor.

The guy they got for Sarek looks funny and Chekov sounds like Austin Powers. Replace whoever he is immediately.

The effects are lovely, except when they used little CGI men in one scene, they still suffer from looking like they’ve been generated by a PS2.

Oh and the Cloverfield monster appears, as does that other JJ Abrams staple, Slusho.

The film is over 2 hours long, and is very silly, but it just whips through. Go see.

Oh, and look out for the other Wrath of Khan nod between Spock and Nero.

Lovely.