the camera rarely lies

If your selfies are coming out blurry and I say “You need to clean the lens”, please clean the front-facing camera, not the one that was pointing away from you each time you took a picture that was smeary and blurred.

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i want doesn’t get

User: Hello, I want Uber Expensive Software Package Pro. I need it on my laptop. It’s urgent.
Me: No, you can’t have Uber Expensive Software Package Pro on your laptop. Your laptop isn’t a company laptop, and we have made Uber Expensive Software Package Standard available over the network to people who actually need it. Why do you need it?
User: It’s very urgent that I have Uber Expensive Software Package Pro.
Me: I see. What exactly are you doing with it?
User: It’s very urgent that I have Uber Expensive Software Package Pro because I need to do Very Basic Stuff To Some Files That Can Be Done In A Different Software Package Lite.
Me: Oh, well the funny thing is I’ve written some code for Word that can enable you to do that very easily. It has two buttons, one for Go and one for Stop. Even you should be able to manage that. I’ve added it to your user profile.
User: So I’m not getting Uber Expensive Software Package Pro? ‘Cause I found the install files on the network and I just need the licence key now so it’ll work on my laptop.
Me: Use the code I sent you. I am Software Compliance. I am not easily angered, but you have managed it. And because of this, all of your output files will have the word “client” replaced by the word “penis”. Good day.

question of the day 2

“Hello, a user would like access to XLS Viewer.”

“They have Excel.”

“They need access to XLS Viewer.”

“They have Excel.”

“Yes, but they’ve requested access to XLS Viewer…”

“OK, they can have it. But we have an updated version. it’s called Excel.”

“…”

i mean, seriously…

CHAPTER 1

I’ve just spent two evenings battling with Windows 8. What an awful, awful operating system it is to support and repair.

THE END

today’s finest question

“The code you’ve written?”
“Yes?”
“If it doesn’t load when it’s meant to load, can you make it load?”

elementaryos freya

I was rather pleased to see that there’s an initial Beta release of the new version of elementaryOS.

My main suggestion is that you go and download it. You know, because it’s good and stuff.

Linkington: http://elementaryos.org/journal/freya-beta-1-available-for-developers-testers

XBOX Exclusive

• Lara Croft and the bit where she runs slowly away from a Tiger
• Lara Croft and the bit where she walks through a 3D bush
• Lara Croft and the bit where she walks through walls
• Lara Croft and the Small Rock She Can’t Jump Over
• Lara Croft and the Frame Rate Drop When There’s A Bad Guy Just Off Screen
• Lara Croft and the shooting bad guys whilst running away from them, even though the gamer isn’t aiming at them
• Lara Croft and the Stupid Control Method where It Looks Like You’re Reaching & Jumping For A Ledge 500ft Up But Really We’ll Just Let Her Fall To Her Death
• Lara Croft and the nearly kills herself deviating from the main course because she can see something shiny up on a ledge, but after 30 mins battling with clunky controls, it’s just a small feckin’ medipack or a worthless medallion to unlock a stupid outfit.
• Lara Croft and the Am I Controlling Her In This Bit Or Is It A Bit Where They Try And Explain The Story?