day made: 8:15am

March 9, 2011

Posh looking old bird in a big, expensive Audi, driving around a roundabout singing along to Jessie J’s “Price tag”?

Priceless.

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the internet – still spazzy

March 3, 2011

Friday’s coming, folks, and that can mean only one thing. A trip to London Town to Tallulah Rendall‘s album launch.

For this, I required a number of things:

  1. A ticket for the event (done)
  2. Somewhere to kip (done)
  3. A ticket for the train (done)
  4. Trendy album-launch-style duds  (done. I shall be attending in my best polyester slacks, acrylic shirt and clogs).

My experience purchasing a ticket for the train gave me pause for thought last night. I chose my trains and selected the Buy Now button, at which point I was instructed to set up an account.

Here are some FACTS for you, National Express East Anglia:

Fact 1 – You can’t effficiently/correctly/properly run a train service which involves the simple forward propulsion of a vehicle invented in 1829 down two parallel tracks.

Fact 2 – There are naughty hackers out there who would very much like to have my personal details from anywhere they can get them.

Considering FACT 1 and FACT 2, why would I trust my personal address and personal credit card details to your website? Why do I need to create an account on your website to purchase a ticket? What’s wrong with a “I don’t want to set up an account, here are my details, let’s checkout now” button.

I do not want to have to supply you with my title, first name, surname, telephone number, email address, email address again, password, password again, postcode-and-then-click-on-the-appropriate-address-for-the-postcode-in-this-annoying-pop-up-window (all the houses in my street have the same frickin’ postcode). And if I don’t want to have to do that, why in God’s name would I want to tick a box to tell you and your “approved third parties” not to spam my email account? Oh, and don’t play that “You didn’t fill in a field quite right” game and untick the Do Not Spam Me box, just in case I don’t notice what you’ve done. If you do this, you are not a business with which I wish to be associated. With.

By the way, who approved these third parties? Because I know that I didn’t. Could you send me the list and I’ll decide whether they should be approved or not? I suspect I am more choosy than your marketing gurus:

Guru 1: Like, they get on a train, so they must want to hear from Reader’s Digest!
Guru 2: And Kay’s catalogue!
Guru 1: And they must need a new phone contract!
Guru 2: And a new laptop!
Guru 1: And those fake scratch cards!
Guru 2: And information about coach journeys!
Guru 1: And conservatories!
Guru 2: And comfortable polyester slacks!
Alf boredofjam: Wait! Fuck it, I’m signing up.

But seriously, all I’m asking is that you let me buy my tickets, simply and easily, preferably without the hassle of account creation. I bought the cheapest tickets I could get hold of, I am not going to be a big revenue earner for you. Take my details for this transaction, verify my card, sell me my tickets and then ditch my information.

Please, internet people, let me live my life simply. If I’m making a one-off, quick purchase, then that is what it should be: Quick. I don’t have the time or the patience to be told that “Username boredofjam is taken, how about wkerjndvn_22 instead?”

I. Just. Want. My. Stuff.

Now excuse me whilst I go lay down somewhere dark and have a good cry. But first I’d better buy some tissues. Now where’re my Tescos log in details?


chernobyl tours (ice creams extra, da?)

April 29, 2010

It’s funny what the internet will turf up. A fella called Neil Byrne took a trip to tour Chernobyl, the site of the World’s Worst Nuclear Accident (They’ve Told Us About).

You can see his words and pictures here. It is a fascinating article, and if you are of a certain age and can remember it happening, I dare you not to be moved by it.

Of course, reader, this is boredofjam, and so you’d expect the moving to be juxtaposed with the stupid. So here’s what Google maps will show you if you go to Chernobyl in the Ukraine and do a “Search nearby”.

google maps Search Nearby

Perhaps sir would like a tasty biriani to go with his human tragedy?

Edit: Just noticed that the date for the disaster was April 26th, 1986. Twenty four years ago last Monday.


airlines willing to risk your life in exchange for your cash

April 18, 2010

It comes as no surprise to a cynical old fert like me that after only five days of there not being an aeroplane in the skies, the main operators have got itchy shareholders.

Despite all of the initial blah from them about how they weren’t going to put planes up in the air whilst there was the chance a piece of microscopic silica could get into the engine of a plane, it seems that despite there being no let up in Eyjafjallajoekull’s* output, and the now legendary ‘ash cloud’ still being very much lodged over the UK, it is perfectly safe to send planes up in the air.

These are planes carrying you, your relatives, your pets, your stuff.

These are planes being sent up in the sky by people on the ground in safe little offices, who just need to keep the board happy and the shareholders paid well. After all, that champagne reception later this year when the financial results are announced isn’t going to pay for itself, is it?

It’s amazing how all the fluffy PR goes out of the window when big companies start to lose money due to an “act of god”.

I wonder whether they have sympathy for the people whose travel insurance isn’t going to compensate them? I wonder how soon the “desperate” and “cash strapped” air travel industry goes to the government and asks for money to help them out?

You know what I say? I say fuck ’em. Them, and the insurance companies who would rather see people stranded or not be able to to take their vacations because of this problem.

Hopefully they’ll get theirs soon enough. You know, just like how we showed those dreadful bankers who took all that risk with money and bankrupted the country… oh, wait a minute.

*Now known as Volcano Anagram


swine flu (to the tune of “sex bomb” by mousse t and tom jones

May 1, 2009

Swine flu, swine flu
I’ve got swine flu
Got some H1N1
And I don’t know what to do
Swine flu, swine flu
I’ve got swine flu
Gonna cough and splutter
Gonna pass it on to you

(etc)

Further to this, there are now reports of further sicknesses about to hit the world:
Fly flu
Flea flu
Trains Syndrome (Choo-choo flu)
Potato disease (Tuber-culosis)
Teacher flu (aka the Academic Pandemic)
Jetlag (flew flu)


voyeurism in the car

February 9, 2009

This morning, whilst stuck in the traffic on Argyle Street, I decided to eat a banana.

It was a very tasty, fair trade banana.

However, the lady in the car in front of me was enjoying the view in her rear-view mirror far too much.

*sobs* I feel violated!


deutschland, deutschland uber, er…

July 13, 2008

alles?

The things you learn, eh chums?