alan bennett’s war of the worlds

Who would have thought that at the start of the twenty-first century, jealous eyes were studying us from afar, like that time we watched Fatty Thompkins from the fifth grade standing, drooling at a pie shop window for an entire afternoon?
Slowly they gathered and drew their plans against us. But us Yorkshire folk are clever and cunning, so we turned all the signposts around to point in the wrong direction. That fooled the Martian invaders.
They thought they were invading Hartlepool, but most of them ended up confused and disoriented in Scunthorpe. The place was decimated.
No one noticed.
The chances of anything coming from Mars are a little more than evens, I reckon. Knowing what we now know.
I should have put a pound on it. I’d be everso slightly up on the day.

occasionally I write, often I don’t write

Today? Both.

listen very carefully

This last Saturday afternoon I listened to a record album.

It was a genuine piece of vinyl, pressed in 1982, 1983. It was Paul Simon’s “Hearts and Bones”, and this copy had never been played before.

It was perfectly clean. No fuzz, no scratches, no pops or cracks. It was lovely, and it’ll never happen again.

i want doesn’t get

User: Hello, I want Uber Expensive Software Package Pro. I need it on my laptop. It’s urgent.
Me: No, you can’t have Uber Expensive Software Package Pro on your laptop. Your laptop isn’t a company laptop, and we have made Uber Expensive Software Package Standard available over the network to people who actually need it. Why do you need it?
User: It’s very urgent that I have Uber Expensive Software Package Pro.
Me: I see. What exactly are you doing with it?
User: It’s very urgent that I have Uber Expensive Software Package Pro because I need to do Very Basic Stuff To Some Files That Can Be Done In A Different Software Package Lite.
Me: Oh, well the funny thing is I’ve written some code for Word that can enable you to do that very easily. It has two buttons, one for Go and one for Stop. Even you should be able to manage that. I’ve added it to your user profile.
User: So I’m not getting Uber Expensive Software Package Pro? ‘Cause I found the install files on the network and I just need the licence key now so it’ll work on my laptop.
Me: Use the code I sent you. I am Software Compliance. I am not easily angered, but you have managed it. And because of this, all of your output files will have the word “client” replaced by the word “penis”. Good day.

luke 2

1 In those days Salmond Augustus issued a decree that a vote should be taken of the entire Scottish world. 2 (This was the first referendum that took place while Cameron was governor of Britain.) 3 And everyone went to their own town to vote.

4 So Jock also went up from the area of Newbank in Glasgow to Edinburgh, the town of Alex, because he needed to get out of the house that belonged to David. 5 He went there to vote with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him, probably, and was expecting a child. 6 While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, 7 and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them, due to all the press being there.

following instructions

Instructions:
In order for this to work, you will need to do (A).

User: Help, I need my application to work!
Me: Have you followed the instructions?
User: Yes, I’ve done (B) and (C).
Me: Have you followed the instructions and done (A)?
User: Yes, I’ve now done (B) and (C) twice and it’s still not working. I’ll try (D) next.
Me: You just need to do (A).
User: (D) didn’t work, you’re wasting my time.
Me: Can we go back to the initial instructions, please. Read them carefully and follow all the steps detailed there.
User: I’ve asked around and I’ve been told to do (D) again, and then follow it up with (X), (Y), and (Z). Twice.
Me: Perhaps you could try (A)?
User: (D), (X), (Y) and (Z) didn’t work. You know nothing.

health and safety books

No Fun and Games In Case Someone Loses An Eye – Christopher Brookmyre
The Restaurant At A Safe And Secure Distance From The End of The Universe – Douglas Adams
Cluedo On The Orient Express – Agatha Christie
It Is Animal Cruelty to Make Cats Wear Hats – Dr. Seuss
Fahrenheit 61 – Ray Bradbury
Humility and Fairness – Jane Austen
To Nurse a Mockingbird – Harper Lee
L’Old Tina – Vladimir Nabokov
Little Puppy of the Baskervilles – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
An Inspector Phones Ahead So There’s No Surprises – J.B. Priestly
Not Hungry, Games Cancelled – Suzanne Collins