XBOX Exclusive

August 12, 2014
  • Lara Croft and the bit where she runs slowly away from a Tiger
  • Lara Croft and the bit where she walks through a 3D bush
  • Lara Croft and the bit where she walks through walls
  • Lara Croft and the Small Rock She Can’t Jump Over
  • Lara Croft and the Frame Rate Drop When There’s A Bad Guy Just Off Screen
  • Lara Croft and the shooting bad guys whilst running away from them, even though the gamer isn’t aiming at them
  • Lara Croft and the Stupid Control Method where It Looks Like You’re Reaching & Jumping For A Ledge 500ft Up But Really We’ll Just Let Her Fall To Her Death
  • Lara Croft and the nearly kills herself deviating from the main course because she can see something shiny up on a ledge, but after 30 mins battling with clunky controls, it’s just a small feckin’ medipack or a worthless medallion to unlock a stupid outfit.
  • Lara Croft and the Am I Controlling Her In This Bit Or Is It A Bit Where They Try And Explain The Story?

infamy

December 21, 2012

My god!

Amnesiac search engine Bing! has referred someone to my blog.

I feel dirty.


Christmas 2012 e-card

December 19, 2012

Hello pals.

We all love this time of year, don’t we? The dark nights, the germs, the price of gas and electricity through the roof.

So for all of us, I’ve made a special e-card which can be printed out and hung either way up to tell everyone exactly what you think of Christmas.

Merry Xmas!

Merry Xmas!

 

Bah Humbug!

Bah Humbug!

 


opinion piece

November 12, 2012

She texted:
>I see I’ve ticked the pervert box<

I texted back:
>Dear god woman, you can’t do that!<

Her reply:
>Why not<

My reply:
>Well if you put all us perverts in the same box, we’d enjoy it so much we’d never want to leave.<

She never texted back. Which is a good job. I could never love a woman that can’t properly punctuate.


minutes from the synod

November 9, 2012

Hello everybody and welcome to the Synod.

I’d like to introduce our new Archbishop who is joining us on a six month rolling contract.

Justin is here to help us transition from The Church of England to our new brand, British Jesus. Our slogan has just been approved, and I’m pleased to unveil it as “Knocking Nails Into The Wrists Of Society”.


watching movies

March 9, 2011

Can someone please advise why, partway through the A Team movie, after they’ve set up that the team are in Frankfurt, there is a random 2-second shot of Cologne Cathedral and the Hauptbahnhof from the air?


day made: 8:15am

March 9, 2011

Posh looking old bird in a big, expensive Audi, driving around a roundabout singing along to Jessie J’s “Price tag”?

Priceless.


ubuntu natty narwhal 11.04

March 7, 2011

Just installed the Alpha 3 version of the next generation of Canonical’s wonder OS.

And all I can say is they’ve got a bloody long way to go before I’ll let it near my computer.

What’s with the theme being ignored? Why does Gnome look like it did in Red Hat back in 2000? And the nasty glitchy shit on the dialogs and menus each time they’re opened? It’s like someone’s de-tuned a television. Still, at least it installed – on the second time of asking.

And the universal App Menu? Ahahahaha, do fuck off. I thought we’d seen the last of FULL SCREEN APPS after Windows 3 was launched.


dear edf

March 7, 2011

Fuck you and your fixed daily charge. WHAT THE FUCK?!

Fuck you and your letter that arrived today, (I paraphrase) “from March 2 we will be putting the prices up ahahahaha”. It’s MARCH THE FUCKING SEVENTH YOU CUNTS.

Fuck you and your “the price of buying electricity and gas has been going up”. No it hasn’t.

Oh. And did I mention… Fuck you.


the internet – still spazzy

March 3, 2011

Friday’s coming, folks, and that can mean only one thing. A trip to London Town to Tallulah Rendall‘s album launch.

For this, I required a number of things:

  1. A ticket for the event (done)
  2. Somewhere to kip (done)
  3. A ticket for the train (done)
  4. Trendy album-launch-style duds  (done. I shall be attending in my best polyester slacks, acrylic shirt and clogs).

My experience purchasing a ticket for the train gave me pause for thought last night. I chose my trains and selected the Buy Now button, at which point I was instructed to set up an account.

Here are some FACTS for you, National Express East Anglia:

Fact 1 – You can’t effficiently/correctly/properly run a train service which involves the simple forward propulsion of a vehicle invented in 1829 down two parallel tracks.

Fact 2 – There are naughty hackers out there who would very much like to have my personal details from anywhere they can get them.

Considering FACT 1 and FACT 2, why would I trust my personal address and personal credit card details to your website? Why do I need to create an account on your website to purchase a ticket? What’s wrong with a “I don’t want to set up an account, here are my details, let’s checkout now” button.

I do not want to have to supply you with my title, first name, surname, telephone number, email address, email address again, password, password again, postcode-and-then-click-on-the-appropriate-address-for-the-postcode-in-this-annoying-pop-up-window (all the houses in my street have the same frickin’ postcode). And if I don’t want to have to do that, why in God’s name would I want to tick a box to tell you and your “approved third parties” not to spam my email account? Oh, and don’t play that “You didn’t fill in a field quite right” game and untick the Do Not Spam Me box, just in case I don’t notice what you’ve done. If you do this, you are not a business with which I wish to be associated. With.

By the way, who approved these third parties? Because I know that I didn’t. Could you send me the list and I’ll decide whether they should be approved or not? I suspect I am more choosy than your marketing gurus:

Guru 1: Like, they get on a train, so they must want to hear from Reader’s Digest!
Guru 2: And Kay’s catalogue!
Guru 1: And they must need a new phone contract!
Guru 2: And a new laptop!
Guru 1: And those fake scratch cards!
Guru 2: And information about coach journeys!
Guru 1: And conservatories!
Guru 2: And comfortable polyester slacks!
Alf boredofjam: Wait! Fuck it, I’m signing up.

But seriously, all I’m asking is that you let me buy my tickets, simply and easily, preferably without the hassle of account creation. I bought the cheapest tickets I could get hold of, I am not going to be a big revenue earner for you. Take my details for this transaction, verify my card, sell me my tickets and then ditch my information.

Please, internet people, let me live my life simply. If I’m making a one-off, quick purchase, then that is what it should be: Quick. I don’t have the time or the patience to be told that “Username boredofjam is taken, how about wkerjndvn_22 instead?”

I. Just. Want. My. Stuff.

Now excuse me whilst I go lay down somewhere dark and have a good cry. But first I’d better buy some tissues. Now where’re my Tescos log in details?